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What is the point. It's not a life it's just existing... :((11 Posts)
I don't know where to start...
I have woken up this morning and it's back, this awful sadness, feeling lonely and feeling like my children deserve so much better. I had depression a few years ago, I was lucky enough to be able to stop my pills myself and stay off them. I don't see the point, it's not dealing with the real issues it's just plastering over them. However this situation has been building up for years and I now can't see a way out. It's like I have a rope around my neck and it gets tighter every day and there is no way off getting it off.
Mostly it's money that's causing this. Myself and husband have nearly £10,000 worth of debt, my eldest child is in school but youngest is yet to start so I am a stay at home mum for the meantime and it's killing me financially, emotionally and in every other way imaginable. I think what's hardest is I wait until DH payday every week to sit and work out how much we have after bills for food shop, fuel for car and gas in our top up meter. Most weeks I have to manage on £20 for fuel in my car even though I need more half the time, our gas gets £10 even though it's been freezing over winter and even now I am sitting typing this and my hands are froze but we simply do not have the money to put on it. Our food shop for a family of four a week is £50 which just doesn't cover what we need it to, this has to be fridge stuff, freezer stuff, meals, cupboard bits, toiletries and cleaning stuff as well as dog food as we have a dog.
It's absolutely soul destroying that each and every week we are living well under our means and barely making ends meet for bills let alone cinema, swimming, treating the kids etc. I am fully aware that kids need love but it's heartbreaking when we have no holidays, no fun in half term and my eldest goes to school and all her friends are telling her what they did.
Another major issue is when I feel like this I simply can't do anything which DH just doesn't understand. I cried myself to sleep last night, DH isn't here as he's away on a course for 2 days but I didn't take my eldest to school today as I simply couldn't face getting out of bed and facing anyone. It destroys me that I am destroying our family. I have spoken to GP, counsellors and it just makes no difference. This debt we have is killing us. We can't do a debt relief order, an IVA or anything. We just have to muddle through which after weeks of trying to find an answer has destroyed me even more... I am not living, I am simply existing. I serve no purpose and what hurts the most is I was a fairly young mum, I am only 25 and had my first at just 18 so every day on my social networking I see my friends on weekends away, girly holidays, nights out and trips and it makes me feel even worse. I love and adore my children but I missed out on all of that and it's something I'll never be able to get back. I can't even afford socks, bras and make up for myself let alone any extras. I have to rely on my inlaws and parents to get the kids shoes, jumpers, socks and anything they need as we rarely have spare cash unless it's a birthday.
I have tried talking to my mum but she tells me to simply get a grip, I have told her I just want it to end, I want to die. It isn't so much I want to kill or harm myself, I have done in the past with razors but I just simply hate every morning I wake up as it's another day of awfulness. I'd rather just not wake up. My DH comes home later on this evening from his course and I know there is going to be an argument over me not taking our eldest to school, he knows what I'm going through, yet I just get called a useless bitch which hurts my feelings. I sit here every day and I know 100% if it wasn't for the children I would be long gone from this world because I have had enough, I've been strong and fought for so long... I'm clinging on with my finger tips I just want to let go and be done but I can't because it would devastate the children although they are currently playing upstairs because I can't stop crying and I don't want them to see. I know I am not a disappointment and I mean something to them but I see no ways out right now and I so desperately need one.
Firstly you need to see the doctor and address this. Make a list and tick off one thing at a time. If you are so depressed that you cannot get out of bed it needs sorting out for everyone's sake.
It needn't end in a row but if you both feel helpless you turn in on each other.
It's miserable having no money.... why can't you do an iva? There are lots of people you can talk to about this but it's making those first steps. You can do it....
This is what makes me feel worse. I've seen my doctor and they just want to dose me up on pills and I have regular contact with a counsellor but it doesn't ever make me feel better as I know the root of the problems is money, that is what gets me so down and I know there is absolutely nothing that'll fix this issue.
We have spoken to StepChange, Money Advice Service, CAB and I have even been to a couple of local support groups but even though it's good to talk, it helps for a little bit, I soon sink back down when DH gets paid and I realise we can't live. We are some times living on chicken nuggets and rice or noodles and it's so disheartening when he works nearly 70 hours a week.
We cannot get an IVA as our debt isn't high enough it wouldn't be worth us doing, also we have an Amigo loan of £3000 and a car on HP with a good few years left and they are both guarantored by my father in law. However my mother in law knows nothing about this. We got told that they are both debts and we cannot pick and chose what we put into an IVA and that technically the guarantor would need to pay them as we are favouring those two creditors for the car and loan over all our other debts. Literally it's been draining like this for 2 years and I have exhausted every avenue...
That is what makes it worse is because I really have tried everything
Sorry you are feeling like this. It does sound like you are having a bout of depression. It makes everything seem pointless and undoable and paralyses you and prevents you from experienving any good in anything. See your gp and see how they can help, keep us posted on how you are doing. Would add bunch of flowers here but phone can't do it!
OK I don't think you will agree but FWIW here's what I think. The money problem is hanging over you for sure and will make you fed up/worried*/*low spirited etc but it won't make you depressed.
I get that pills won't help the financial problem but they might just lift your mood a bit so you can get out of bed in the morning. You'll still be worrying over the money but you won't be feeling you want to end your life. Well that's if the meds work and they don't always. I suffer from intermittent depression and it's a torment for sure.
The children need love which they're getting - they will thrive without trips to the zoo but they won't thrive without love.
Bouts of crying and not being able to get up are definitely symptoms of depression and you have had this awful illness before and it very often comes back. And you are only 25 - you have the rest of your life to get sorted - the children will grow and there will be brighter times ahead. You will be able to go out on girly weekends in your 40s!
I suppose it's a silly question to ask if you're getting tax credits and anything you're entitled to. Could you maybe have a lodger?
I really hope you will consider taking meds for depression - there's no shame in it - 1 in 4 suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives.
Pills are there to help. You'd take pills for any other illness, why not depression?
Also are you staying home by choice or are you unable to get a job? My own mood lifted when I went back to work (I'm still on the pills though!)
The OP has 2 young children Morrris and the cost of child care is tremendously high unless you can earn big bucks and I'm sure if that was the case the OP would be out there earning!
Sounds like you are having a really tough time.
Could you get an evening or weekend job? While your DH watches the kids? When you are on a very tight budget anything helps.
I take it you couldn't sell the car?
I suffer from depression. I take medication. I take the medication so I can function enough to work in the things causing or effecting my depression. The medication has allowed me to access support because I'm now capable of trying to find help and make contact.
Could you look at medication like that. As a tool to work at fixing things
OP, I could have written your post, although my money worries are over since splitting from my ex and gaining control of my finances. Even though I'm on the social I know exactly what I've got and what I'm going to get, and when. Makes a big difference.
Anyway, I came off my AD's in September of last year, whilst I still had a job. My temporary contract wasn't renewed so as of January this year I've been jobless. I don't know what to do with myself. The days stretch out and I find myself groaning that only an hour has passed. I share my daughter approximately 50/50 with her dad and there was a time I'd look forward to having her, and also then look forward to handing her back to her dad, as I enjoyed both being with her and also time to myself. It was working well.
Since January, however, I have started becoming panicky and anxious. I don't want my daughter. it means I have to find things for her to do. There are no other kids she can play with (I live in a shitpit called Sweden) so I have to provide entertainment but I am useless, I have no interest in anything at all, and I hate to wander around with nowhere in particular to go. She spends all her time on my pc and watching tv. I'm ruining her. Meanwhile, I stare into space.
It's not so much better when I don't have her. When she's gone, I'm at my pc looking up ways to die which are guaranteed to work and the least painful - and also accessible to me. Wonderful. I have too much time to think when I'm on my own so I need my daughter around to stop me from brooding, but that leaves her with a zombie woman who sometimes grunts at her and pushes plates of random food at her.
It took a lot to come off my AD's, both physically and mentally. I'm so angry and upset that it looks like I'll have to go back on them, because it means if there was any joy to be had from life, I'll never feel it.
But I guess there's no point in flashes of joy if I have to deal with stretched out days of desperation and self pity.
Lack of money can certainly be a catalyst to depression and other health problems. In itself being in debt doesn't cause your depression but it can certainly make everything worse
Looking at the whole picture, thinking of future scenarios, never helps. You must look at each aspect of the problem separately. You may find you can deal with something, and that's a positive start
Now, I'm more than double your age but when I was your age I was having similar financial problems. Even now I react badly when someone knocks the door hard. It reminds me of being afraid our electricity would be cut off. So I understand how it feels to have money worries
Having said that, your partner called you a useless bitch? And you expect an argument about you not managing school? And you have attempted suicide (or self harmed) previously? Your mum tells you to get a grip? MrsM, you need help with this aspect of your life too. Sorting out your debts will not make your family more kind
I understand, it's marginally less scary to tackle your financial worries than your emotional problems. No-one is supporting you - the opposite really. You so need help to find yourself again. You are lost in a tangle of worries
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