I've tried, but I'm so tired now

[Criminy]

I've posted on here before under several different names, but this is the one I tend to use for my own mental health problems.

I have a long history of mental health probs - anxiety, depression, BPD.

I'm not doing very well at the moment. All I could think of a few days ago was killing myself, so I would go places to do with that. I couldn't help it, it was like I was on auto-pilot to that place. Now all I can think of is damaging myself - SH.

I've given in and done it. Calm for a bit. But now I need to do it worse, I need it to keep escalating or I'm a failure.

Stupid BPD manipulative attention-seeker. That's what they all think. So there's just no help. No help at all. Somebody help me, please!! I can't carry on like this!! Why are you making me suffer so much?!

Somebody help my poor children work through the issues they must have with their useless, defective mother. They deserve so much better.

Not really sure what I wanted from this post - maybe just somewhere to let loose a bit, and be a bit angry as to how things are. Maybe to write down the truth - that I've tried to resist doing these things but I'm just so tired, I haven't the strength to resist any more, I give up.

[gamerchick]

Would writing stuff down help?

I do feel for sufferers of a PD, I care for someone really poorly now with one and it's still hard for me to understand why she does the things she does and I know she can't help it.

Are there services involved with your children? You and them need some extra support.

[Criminy]

Thank you for your reply.

I wouldn't know what to write.

There's no services involved with the children. I was in hospital for 4 months last year, but I think they thought the kids would be fine because they still had DH, my parents and my ILs. So have heard nothing from nobody.

Had a CPN last summer after discharge. Last autumn she said there was nothing she could do for me so discharged me. I've seen psychiatrist twice since discharge - once last summer and then a few weeks ago. He said I need to have the CPN again. I reminded him that she said she couldn't do anything, and he said yes, he remembers that but she's wrong.

I don't even know who to call about anything. I'm confused between the crisis team and CMHT, and none of them seem to realise that I hate to use the telephone. I get panic attacks from having to use the telephone, but there's no other option. I don't have the bloody numbers anyway!!

I know what they think of BPD people, so not sure there'd be any point contacting then anyway.

[Wombatinabathhat]

I don't think you are useless or defective. You are unwell. Would it matter which one you ring? They are there to try and help you

[Wombatinabathhat]

Do you need medical treatment now if you have harmed yourself ?

[Criminy]

I can't find any numbers for anybody, and even if I could I don't think I'd be able to have a conversation, or get across that I'm struggling. But then, what, anyway? There's nothing can be done.

Idon't need medical treatment, I can patch myself up, thankyou though.

[gamerchick]

I know my darling I understand where you're coming from. If I hadn't actively fought, backed doctors into a corner literally and threatened the press along with other things my young lady would have died from this horrible, misunderstood mental illness. There's so little help for personality disorders because it's so hard to treat and dismissed as attention seeking.

What about meds? I know the combination is hard to get right and that's even if meds are the right thing to do.. Each sufferer is different.

I'm concerned for you because you have children, are there other caregivers for the times of crisis when you need to decompress?

I literally don't know what to suggest because it's been tough for me who doesn't have MH worries to navigate MH services.. I can't imagine what it's like if you're trying to access them yourself.

I do understand though, it's a special kind of hell I think.

[Marchate]

You feel medical staff don't like/understand PDs? I take it you have had bad experiences

You don't need us to say what you know anyway - your children are precious and they love you. I know SH is not aimed at other people and you do everything you can not to worry them. I'm not being critical. Obviously we see you as a unit. What hurts one hurts all, indirectly

Have you ever found health care workers you can communicate with?

I hope you have a period of calm for a while. We all care about you

[Broken1Girl]

Hi criminy. I can completely relate. Struggling myself rn (as you saw on my thread, I think we chatted on there). I don't have any words but I hear you and

[Criminy]

I'm on meds, loads of meds! I have physical health problems too, so I rattle.

Last night was bad. DH was out, I managed to get the DC to bed, but then I just wanted some peace and I ended up SH. Feeling like I failed because I didn't do it badly enough.

When I was in hospital, the psychiatrist bluntly said there is no treatment for BPD, and I just need to grow up. (I'm 30 ffs!) I heard some of the nurses talking about me, and they were saying I'm just attention-seeking, among other things.

The stupid thing is, I don't want attention. If I could just run away and hide then I would. But unfortunately I'm part of this world, so I can't. So I just need some help. But there isn't any. And then these thoughts just spin round and round my head, always.

[Marchate]

There are good websites for most MH problems. Do you read or contribute to forums for people with PDs?

How sad that staff made you feel even worse

[AliceScarlett]

When I was in hospital, the psychiatrist bluntly said there is no treatment for BPD, and I just need to grow up

Horrendous. There is treatment and it is possible to get a lot better they just have no money to offer it.

Ever heard of dbt?

[Criminy]

I don't go on any other websites, I'll have to have a look, thank you for the idea.

Tbh I struggle to relate to a lot of other people with BPD (for example, those I met in hospital) because I had a very lovely, normal childhood, and have been married for 11 years. I don't think I'm very impulsive either - if anything, I over-think things. I stayed in contact with two people from hospital - one of them killed herself just before Christmas, the other is still struggling and being refused all funding for treatment.

I've heard of DBT, but my county don't fund it for BPD.

I know there are people far worse off, but I wouldn't wish this illness on anyone, it just seems like a death sentence.

[Criminy]

I just feel totally stuck. I think my SH is getting a bit out of hand, and I could already do with some advice on how to treat it. But if I ask anybody then they just say I'm attention-seeking. If I don't ask anybody, then I'm not sure what will happen - what's already there could go bad, and I'm escalating anyway. I feel so completely stuck, whatever I do is the wrong thing, there's no right thing. And that's when the suicidal thoughts come thicker & faster - it ends up seeming like the inevitable conclusion.

[Wombatinabathhat]

Hi Criminy I have no experience of the issues that you are going through but it seems so incredible that there is no support for people who are struggling with BPD or SH problems.
I'm sorry that you overheard medical staff talking about you that way. I'd like to think that they are not all the same.
Perhaps I could google some services for you, say Samaritans? Would it help you to talk to them?

[Criminy]

I struggle calling anybody because I'm either in house with DC or DC and DH.

I was supposed to have my first CPN appointment since September tomorrow, but they've just called to cancel it.

[Criminy]

Thank you for the offer though!

[Wombatinabathhat]

Ok. Does DH know you are struggling at the mo? Is it worth trying to talk to him?

[Criminy]

I dont think DH knows. A couple of months ago I said I thought I was starting to struggle again, he just said that he couldn't cope with another year like last year, with me being in hospital, it was too stressful and too difficult. He always goes on about how I have to talk to him more and be more honest, which is something I really struggle with. But if I tell him this then he'll leave me! He can't find out.

[Wombatinabathhat]

That must be difficult Criminy but if he is telling you to talk more, then surely now is the time before you hurt yourself so badly that you need admitting to hospital

[AliceScarlett]

Try www.dbtselfhelp.com

It is very expensive to offer and it is disgusting that there is no treatment being offered.

What about a recovery college? Is there one near you?

Could you afford private therapy?

If you don't identify with your diagnosis could you ask your cpn to get a consultant to review it?

[Criminy]

I don't know how to talk to him about this without him getting angry at me and leaving/threatening to leave, as he has done in the past. Tbh, I'm not sure he even really cares about me very much.

I've never heard of a recovery college before, can't afford private therapy.

Years ago my diagnosis was Aspergers, with depression. Then I became very suicidal, ended up in hospital. The consultant psychiatrist there doesn't believe in Aspergers so diagnosed me with BPD. So that's what I'm stuck with now.

[Marchate]

I'm kind of reading between the lines so forgive me if I'm getting this wrong

You are currently suffering a severe MH crisis. Last summer you were so unwell you were admitted. Your partner doesn't want to go through 'another year like last year' so you are having to keep your current problems to yourself, or at least downplay them? Despite this, he suggests you should be more honest with him. Is that a reasonable summary?

Maybe he wants to help but can't actually cope when things get difficult? Is he caring in other ways? So many people cannot face psychological illness in a family member. They get afraid

SH is such a difficult subject for those of us who don't. I have a young relative who SHs. It's not attention seeking. I would say it's more to avoid attention. Keep the pain to yourself, be left alone

[Marchate]

I've read your next post. He's angry and unsupportive. Not what you need right now

[MummySparkle]

Oh Criminy, I remember you from before

I have a BPD diagnosis too and I hate it. It feels like suddenly lots of doors get shit in your face. Have you ever had an autism assessment? I vaguely remember it being mentioned before. Will your CPN be the same lady as before of somebody else? I know and my CPN knows that she can't 'help' me (as in 'cure') But the fort nightly sessions give me some structure and just a bit of space to offload.

Have you been offered any CBT? My trust have just started offering mindfulness based CBT. Mindfulness is the first module in DBT and is a really useful skill to have.

I've rambled a little, but I remember you, I know you're struggling sweetie and I'm here to listen

[Criminy]

MummySparkle Nice to see you!

I saw a peri-natal psychiatrist for a couple of years before this, did tonnes of assessments and was diagnosed easily with Aspergers (or now ASD). That all got ignored and swept under the carpet with new psychiatrist.

The CPN will be the same as before - I can't see the point as she's already said she can't do anything for me. I get quite bad social anxiety (hence I hate the phone), and having to see her again is making me feel a bit sick.
I've never had CBT or anything. I've been involved with mental health services since I was 13, and in all that time I've never had any type of therapy. Just meds, lots of meds. My parents did pay for me to see someone last Summer, to try and get me out of hospitsl though, but I could only go a few times as was very expensive.