No help, no energy.

[SuchNC]

I'm just so tired. Tired of every day just being about coping until the night, and every night just coping til the morning. Tired of trying and failing to get help. Tired of fighting.

I've had a host of MH diagnoses in the past, but currently I'm very depressed, and really struggle with horrible instrusive thoughts and voices, insomnia, and an eating disorder. My GP regularly gets worried and refers me to the services, but nothing ever happens with that. The speedy phone assessments are triggering and upsetting and I never seem to be able to explain myself properly, and the ADs and short courses of CBT they offer really make no difference to me. They ask me what exactly it is that I'm wanting from them then, but I honestly don't know anymore... So I've given up trying, and have stopped seeing the GP too, because I somehow feel I've failed her.

I care for DH who has lots of health needs, and I've promised him I will absolutely not kill myself. That's the only thing keeping me alive today. But my voices are unrelenting, telling me I have to die, so I have come off all my medications, and have no energy now to look after myself. I know what I'm doing isn't wise, but it feels right.

It's been comforting to see the news today. Maybe the lack of help isn't about me, but about the system. I wish I knew what to do about it, though.