Nasty shock

[vxa2]

I am in a job which involves investigating the conduct of individuals - I cannot be more specific for reasons of confidentiality, I have just found out that an individual I was investigating committed suicide yesterday. Although I know it wasn't my fault I just feel dreadfully sad. No one should ever have to feel like that. I know the method used which I wish I didn't because I have images in my mind. Also last week I actually vocalised that I was worried this would happen and now it has. I never even met the individual as they had been in hospital for several months. I am finding it especially hard because I am in the middle of an episode of severe anxiety and I have lots of nasty intrusive thoughts. I also spent some time as an impatient with PND a few years ago. I have support and am taking Sertraline but it all feels a bit too close for comfort. I just needed to vocalise what has happened.

[SageYourResoluteOracle]

I'm not an expert but I didn't want this post to go unnoticed. The way you feel is understandable and an entirely human response to an awful outcome when you had just been doing your job. I'm wondering if you are able to speak to someone at work about what's happened. If your role is to investigate people then can you access counselling as part of the 'debrief' protocols? I'm second-guessing your line of work here...

I suffer from anxiety and intrusive thoughts and am currently taking Sertraline too. Remember that thoughts are just that: thoughts.

I'm here for hand-holding.

[SnuffleGruntSnorter]

Oh that's awful. How terribly sad for the individual, their family and for all the people less directly affected such as yourself.

Does your employer offer any kind of 'debrief' service to talk about events like this?

One thing I am certain of is this: this is not your fault. You did not contribute to this, you could not have prevented it. You are not responsible for this person's health.

[Broken1Girl]

Shit. I'm sorry.
This wasn't your fault.
You reported your concerns - I assume to your boss? They should have acted. You did all you could, and you sound like a decent, compassionate person.
Please get support. Talk to us in here but also IRL. I'm glad you have mh support, talk to them. I'm sure you know the drill if you need more urgent help.
You can always call the Samaritans in the meantime, if course.
I do get how triggering and awful this must be.
I worked as a peer support worker and twice had to report concerns about clients to their mh workers who were utterly complacent, basically said they wouldn't do it Can imagine how devastated I'd have felt if they had.
Take care of yourself

[vxa2]

Thank you all for such kind words. I am going to stay at home today and catch my breath. I was okish until I woke up this morning and remembered it was true. Had a few too many glasses of wine last night which was probably not a good idea so now I feel guilty about that.

[MummySparkle]

Oh OP that must be terrible for you. When I was an inpatient an individual on a different unit in the same hospital committed suicide. We could see their caged balcony from our caged balcony and we quite often used to shout banter across that we were better than them / they were better than us (think 'there ain't no flies on us' type thing) It happened one night after we'd been singing banter at them. We all felt horrendously guilty even though it wasn't our fault and there was nothing we could have done.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Have you got things to keep you busy today?