bipolar resulted in two pregnancies hate myself don't know what to do

[Littlenala17]

Hi
I need some advise please. I have bipolar and the symptoms have effected me since I was around 13 but have got worse around the age of 17. I always knew I had it because my dad does and we are so similar, but I was too scared to go to the doctors. 6 months ago I went and was diagnosed with bipolar straight away. I was put on medication which made me throw up 24/7 and they switched me to another which just made me sleep all day.

I have a one year old son. I wasn't with his dad. I fell pregnant with him literally a week after I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years (bipolar issues caused us to break up) I slept with someone to "get over him" and I fell pregnant. In a way I was happy because I was excited and I had thoughts that this could change me as a person. I was only 18 when I found out I was pregnant with him. I thought now I had a meaning. I also had attempted suicide in the past and I thought being pregnant would make me safe from myself. Anyway the babies father wasn't happy although we we started "seeing eachother" briefly it never worked out and he doesn't see his son.

Now I'm 18 weeks pregnant again. Truth is the father is out of two possible people. At the time I conceived this baby I was extremely manic. My son was on holiday with my mum and step dad in Paris for 2 weeks. During this time I was extremely manic and had just started my second term at uni. I was speaking to a boy and we really felt for eachother (one of the possible fathers) I then decided to drive up and see him as my son was away. I knew some of his friends through mutual friends. He couldn't meet me till later on so I text one of his friends who invited me over. I then ended up sleeping with his friend and 2 more of them who where also there (at different times) all wore condoms although I know there is a slight chance. I then went to his house and had sex with him with a condom which had broke after he came so it failed. I then told him about the friends I had slept with before him and he was so angry at me and told me to get out. He hasn't spoke to me since really. The following day a different 1 of his friends I also slept with unprotected. At the Time I felt so desperate to get pregnant. I subconsciously wanted to be pregnant. Didn't care who by didn't care about anything other than making sure I would have a positive test at the end of that month. I felt I needed a baby for security from myself so I couldn't hurt myself, so I had someone who loved me. I was so manic I can vividaly remember it. What I can remember shows a different side to me, I even let them record most of the stuff (sometimes I even told them too or did it on my own phone!!) a week later I reflected on it, I felt sick I hated myself I just can't believe I did it.

I didnt even test until Christmas time. I was too scared that my "wish" had came true. My periods where all over the place anyway. I tested at Christmas as was feeling odd and I was pregnant. The scan confirmed it and my dates. Fully formed little baby with a heartbeat. Couldn't abort I felt too guilty considering I wanted this at the time. Came home after abortion consultation cried and cried and cried didn't know what to do.

Found out I was having a girl on Friday. Kept my pregnancy away from the nhs still I was 18 weeks which got me in to some trouble with my midwife. Just have no idea what to do. I feel so bad I feel awful. It's not this babies fault and she should not have to put up with me as a mother just because I couldn't control my feelings. I will now have two babies by two different men none of which are my boyfriends or ever will be. when I'm not manic or depressed I'm fine but I can't control the extremes. Before I had my son I self harmed a lot and had thought about suicide. I started considering it again which is why I wanted to be pregnant because I know I won't feel alone or hurt myself if I've got a baby inside me.

Just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just move away start fresh and bring up both my babies and consecrate on improving the future and forgetting the past but so many what ifs like what if I never get better

[dontrunwithscissors]

OP, I'm also bipolar & it sucks, doesn't it? I'm not sure what to say that would be helpful. Are you getting help from CMHT/CPN/pdoc? You were not well when these things happen. I know it's easy for someone to say you need to 'forgive yourself.' But clearly none of this is how you would be thinking when stable. Is there any chnace of psychological help?

[Littlenala17]

Yes it does :( I've only been diagnosed 6 months and they put me on two different meds. One that made me sick 24/7 so much that I lost over a stone in two weeks so I went on a different one that basically meant I slept all day, although good as away form my thoughts it wasn't practical being a mum and studying too. I went back to change but as I was about to ask for an alternative docs said to come off it because I was pregnant and safer option. I haven't really been back. Truth is I have lied to all health care workers (doctors, midwife, hv) they all think I'm some independent mother with my life sorted and planned out. I've lied about this babies dad (told them same dad as my son and that we started seeing eachother again) have pretended to be really happy about the pregnancy to her. Parents don't even know I'm bipolar. If I feel depressive I'm in bed and pretending I have a migraine if I feel manic then I'm probably not even home. Told doctors all that it's just mild and I feel fine most the time which isn't the case at all.

I really hope I can get better after I've had this baby. Even though I've had two children by two different dads in horrible circumstances I hope I can make this good for them and consentrate on getting stable so I can provide them with a good future and forget what has happened :( just don't seem very do able right now

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

Bless you
The fact that you wanted this baby at the time doesn't mean you are obliged to keep it. You're not too late for termination, and there is the option of adoption. I know they are both extreme options but maybe given the very early stage you are in your mental health recovery it might be the best for you and the baby.
Whatever happens, when the baby is born you must get some long acting hormonal contraception as soon as possible.
It sounds so distressing.

[Littlenala17]

I don't think I can get an abortion. If I had acted earlier yes but truthfully think that would mess up my mental health even more than if I was to keep or adopt her out, especially as I know the sex and can feel her move. After I have decided I will be getting IUD straight away, something I can't take out. Pill is not an option because if I feel like it again I will just stop taking it

[dontrunwithscissors]

I was on lithium and it made me sick constantly (along with many other unbearable side effects.)

Was it quetiapine that made you sleep? I take it (along with lamotrigine and Agomelatine). It's really helped me. I'm now on 775mg and it doesn't leave me sedated. I take the instant release, not the extended release and it's much better.

You sound like such a strong and committed mother. But some support and maybe meds that are OK to take jn pregnancy could really help you. I have a CPN who is fab, doesn't judge and has helped me loads. I knew MH services aren't great though.

You could ask to see a perinatal psychiatrist. I spent time in a mother and baby unit after DD2. The expert pdoc in maternal health was really good.