What is wrong with me!?

[1fedupmama]

This may be a bit long winded, so here goes.
This past....year or so, I have been feeling worse & worse, relationship on the rocks, judgemental people, kids that don't seem to behave ever & I think now I have hit snapping point. I have 2 young boys, & I amnt with either of their dads, one is a total joke that doesn't do a thing for his son & the other is actually a bit of a life saver even if he does cause a bit of bother, he takes both kids quite regular so I can have a BT of peace, but then he mucks about being late, swapping days & all that other nonsense, but then I feel like I can't complain about it because he is doing this massive favour of taking on a child that really has nothing to do with him anymore.

I have recently suffered a number of 'fainting episodes' which the doctors have put down to stress, which yeh that does sound about right, but then I started noticing that these episodes only happened when I was in the middle of shouting/telling off my children, as if my body was saying 'hang on a minute calm down'
The other day I caught myself thinking 'god I hate you' after the millionth time of having to put my 3yr old on the naughty step. Now before you judge me, I would kill for my kids, I would jump infront of a bullet for them any day & I would never ever ever in a million years harm them in anyway, but the words 'I hate you' have cropped up in my head a good few times recently. His behaviour has hit a hole new level of bad, he never listens constantly on the naughty step, constantly being shouted at, there has even been occasions where we have walked all the way to nursery & had to turn back because he's been bad & ive used the threat 'do that once more & we are going home' so obviously I have to follow threw, even tho in my head I'm thinking 'please behave so I can get peace for a couple of hours'
God I sound like a terrible mother don't I
by the end of the day I am that fed up I regularly sit in tears on a night time, wether it be because I've had to shout just that one time too many or because there is one mess to many to tidy up, anything will set me off. & heaven forbid the kids do anything naughty when I've broke because that's when I really snap, I've seen myself literally screaming then thinking 'what the hell am I doing' so the crying begins again.
I'm not blaming the kids atall for any of this, but the way they have been going on recently really hasn't helped in the slightest, when they are behaving, omg I love them so much, I could cuddle them all day, when they do something amazing the words 'God I love u' just seem to fall out of my mouth without me even having to think about it.
So it's not as if I completely hate my kids & I want nothing to do with them & all of my life's problems would be solved if they weren't around because i know my life would be empty without them, they are my life. But it isn't fair on either of us me feeling & being like this atall. I am so scared of going to a doctor or any kind of professional for help incase they think I'm a total nutcase or an unfit mother & take them away, that is actually my biggest fear in the hole world.
I feel like I can't go to family for help because I feel I annoy them enough, when I visit my mum even she gets fed up with how the kids behave, so I feel like if I ask for help she will be sick of us before she even hears me out. The same with my new partner, I've asked for advice about things to do with my kids before & felt so judged so I'm scared that I feel the same if I open up about this.
What do I do!? Has anyone else ever felt like this & has some positive feedback about seeking help? I don't want me asking for help to be the worse thing I ever do (I.e. End up losing my kids) but I know if I don't I'm just going to make things worse.

[waitingforgodot]

If you contact home start, they should be able to help
www.home-start.org.uk/
Don't be hard on yourself-you sound (understandably) knackered.

[1fedupmama]

Thanks I had a quick look earlier & will have a better look now I finally have some peace.

[Luckylady202012]

Been there so many times and when I think about it I do think sometimes the children pick up on our 'tired' times. It is a real struggle when you have a multi family but worth the effort. I have packed screaming child one in the buggy before now and just walked round the streets for a distraction which did usually work. But two small children is a handful it will get easier take any help you can get and don't feel guilty. Your Mum will understand. We all put to much into trying to suss how others will react. But most of all be your own cheerleader see every small sucess as a mission impossible conpleted. Hope all goes well and you find your balance its true when they say the kids don't stay young forever. Hugs :-)

[1fedupmama]

Aw I wish it was just 'tired times' right now it feels like it's every single day & has been for a while.
Today I finally felt like I got a break the kids went away from 10am until 7pm & I vanished of on my bike, 10miles of peace & quiet & I still came back feeling crappy. I scrubbed the house & the garden & finally started to feel a bit better but then as 7pm got closer & closer I started feeling worse & worse even though ds2 pretty much went straight to bed when they came home. I'm currently sitting wishing it was 8.30 for ds1 to go to bed aswell, god it actually sounds so so bad when i see it written down but this is exactly how I've been feeling for a good couple of weeks now, maybe more. I count down the days until I'm child free & count down the hours until bedtime. Don't get me wrong we still have amazing times inbetween all the bad times, the last week we've been going to the beach & walks up the wood & had a right good giggle (had a bit more freedom since passing my driving test a week ago which has made everything so much easier!!) then something will put me in an awful mood & I'll just snap.