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I'm really struggling at the moment.

(8 Posts)
anonymous67 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:40:48

I have PTSD and an eating disorder - Bulimia to be specific. I recently got discharged from hospital in Hampshire. Someone sicker than me needed the bed. I'm not allowed outpatient treatment due to funding issues. My Mental Health team have completely abandoned me. My OH is dead. I have remained single since he died in 2009. He is the only man I will ever love and I have no desire to move on and betray him in that manner. I really really miss him at the moment and I don't know what to do. I just want me and him to be together here. My father is also dead. Me and him had a very difficult relationship, which I struggle to talk about but he was not very nice to me. I really miss him too. In fact, most of the people I love are dead. Everyone I come into contact with seems to die. I am just so so sad and I want it all to go away. I want these feelings to go away. I am not someone who talks about feelings in person. I don't want to talk about feelings - it doesn't change anything. I want to just sleep. I don't want to cook, clean, care for other people, go to work, eat, drink or any of the things I have to do. I've had counselling and it hasn't helped.

I recently suffered another bereavement. A very traumatic one at that. Three days after I left hospital. They are aware. I emailed the consultant, got no reply. I called my GP. No appointments. I have friends but they would crumble if I told them how I really feel. I just don't know how to move on from all of this. Every time I get back on my feet, something knocks me straight back down. I feel so alone. Like i'm falling apart. I really hate myself and I really hate the world. Everyone else can manage in their lives but not me. All I do is cry.
Has anyone felt like this and come out the other side? Is there hope for me or am I destined to lead a miserable life?

NanaNina Tue 09-Feb-16 13:35:21

Can't write much as am in the depths of depression - it comes and goes - mostly it comes - none of the meds work. Sorry you are feeling so crap but some words jumped out at me "Everyone else can manage their lives but not me" and that's not true. 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives and about one third of GP consultations are MH related. This is my 7th year of struggling and quite honestly I would love to have a heart attack or something similar as I've had enough of this illness. Like you I don't want to do anything, just lie on the sofa and cry!

dangermouseisace Tue 09-Feb-16 18:41:52

sounds like you've been through the mill OP flowers It's awful when people get pushed about in the MH system with beds- it isn't conducive to getting help. Are you getting support from a crisis/home treatment team since you have been discharged from hospital? If not, can you get an emergency appt with your GP by phoning early in the morning?

Bulimia is a really lonely illness. I had anorexia, then bulimia, and it was awful, but it took a long time and I got through it. The bulimia was the worst as it is so secretive. It is certainly possible to get better but it is very hard work and unfortunately it's a battle with step forwards, two back, four forwards etc etc. I've been better for around 15 years now and am fine with food- something I remember thinking would never happen.

The thing is, all your knock backs will ultimately make you stronger. The thinking everyone else can manage but not me is a typical depressed thing…as Nana says it's not true. There are probably people you know who think that you are one of those people who are coping, whilst they are breaking apart inside! Have you tried telling your friends a little bit about how things are…just sometimes saying actually, I'm finding things really difficult at the moment without going into massive detail can be helpful?

anonymous67 Wed 10-Feb-16 09:45:10

Sorry for my late reply. No, no support. I was completely discharged from the hospital and they said my local MH team can't see me because they can't see people with a BMI below a certain number, which mine is. I have anorexia with bulimic tendencies - so I am basically an underweight bulimic, but I have symptoms of anorexia as well.

I can see my GP but they are not brilliant at dealing with MH issues and I don't really know what they will do for me. I'm not brilliant at talking about how I feel because I feel vulnerable and I don't like it.

I had a friend I could talk to. She was my best friend, but she just died a few weeks ago in very tragic circumstances. I do have other friends but i'm cautious of speaking to them. One of them will always be in a worse situation than me - I said I had bulimia to them and weeks later they "have it as well and are receiving help for it". My best friend died and the next day their best friend supposedly died too etc.

I just don't know where to go from here really. I am glad you are better now dangermouseisace and you are fine with food. That gives me hope that it can happen one day. It is so lonely and I do wish people didn't know I was unwell sometimes because it makes things difficult if I go out. Food always seems to be topic of conversation etc..

Owllady Wed 10-Feb-16 09:54:03

Would going to a cruse meeting help? I understand the nature of your mental illness and eating disorder are complex, so you need more extensive help. But you are bereaved, it seems you've lost lots of people close to you and you are finding it difficult to cope with that - which is understandable. I just wondered if it might help to talk amongst people who understand? People don't talk about death and grief and it can be so isolating.

I'm really sorry you've been let down by mental health services. Is your GP aware of it all?

toastandbutterandjam Wed 10-Feb-16 10:35:43

Owllady My GP is aware that I have been discharged etc but the hospital have told me and the GP to wait 12 weeks after discharge before I go and see them again (see the GP that is).

I did go to a grief support group in hospital (there was one there) and every week, there were only 3 people that went, so they stopped it. My PTSD is because of the deaths and things in my past - my fathers death hit me hardest but I can't go into why. I pretty much got told to join an online grief forum by the nurses in hospital because they "couldn't dedicate their time to me and me only". I'm no longer prepared to talk about my feelings face to face because I always get shoved to the side. It's so difficult for me to do. To bare my feelings to another is so hard for me and I don't know why. It's probably because i've always been rejected/pushed to the side/told to just "deal with it" etc.

Thank you for your reply

Owllady Wed 10-Feb-16 15:35:56

I'd try cruse bereavement, they have groups in all sorts of places in the community. I know they have one at our local Baptist church for example.

If you need to see your GP you must go. I wouldn't listen to this wait so many weeks malarky.

toastandbutterandjam Fri 12-Feb-16 15:00:04

I will look into it, thank you.

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