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Sliding back into suicidal thinking: is it too late to turn my life around?(3 Posts)
Sorry if that title sounds dramatic.
I should be ridiculously happy: I will be having my second child in less than a month. I have somewhere to live, and a job. But.
I've been getting more and more depressed recently. It's a recurring problem; knowing that should help, but it doesn't. I feel like such a complete failure in life. I loathe myself so much I want to hurt myself. I have no-one to talk to. I can say some things to my partner, but am limited because he has his own struggles with depression (which unfortunately makes me worse, because it pisses me off and I want to kick him sometimes for being so apathetic and lazy, even though logically I should accept he can't help it...)
My family is dysfunctional; pretty much always was, growing up. Mix of mental health issues, emotional neglect and abuse, that sort of thing. I've had a couple of quite abusive relationships, having left home at a very young age (left school at 14). Unsurprising I suppose that I'm not emotionally 'normal': I have wondered whether I might also be on the spectrum for ASD- I have strong suspicions my sister is- but that's another story.
What seems to screw me up more than anything else is that I had such hopes and dreams in my early 20s: I desparately wanted to succeed in my chosen career of the time, but made a series of mistakes every time I had an opportunity that made it seem impossible. I retrained in something semi-related, and now see that I never had a chance with that either, as I lack the talent and confidence. I have self-sabotaged in every area of interest I have.
So now I work part time in admin. I'm not stupid, I don't think- but I keep meeting people much more successful than I am, especially in related fields to the ones I trained in (yesterday I was introduced to one such person by my well-meaning partner, because he thought we would have 'so much in common'). I find these interactions so, so bloody hard to deal with. I literally don't know what to say: I just feel even more of a loser and sink into even more self loathing afterwards.
Sorry this is long.
But... I have tried counselling. I have tried medication. They work about as well as a sticking plaster. Ultimately, I am left feeling that it's too late for me to change anything, and that the only solution is to just end my life properly after the baby is safely out.
Has anyone any miraculous advice, preferably based on experience..? I am sorry to ask, but would really appreciate any help at all, as although I can't see any other solution right now than the above one, I am just rational enough to know it wouldn't be fair on my kids and partner- which, ironically, makes me REALLY resent them at the moment. Sigh.
You know there is no miraculous advice sadly. I know what you mean about resenting the people who 'keep' you here. Nothing to say except hang in there and tell someone how you feel - GP, midwife?
No miraculous advice, although I can relate to the having hopes and dreams in your 20's bit and then the career thing not quite working out. I'm a bit career less despite being intelligent etc etc. Kids happened, life happened. I think it gets a bit easier when your kids are bigger and then you can start thinking about those sorts of things again (hasn't happened to me due to circumstances but I know others where it has). Have you tried meditation? I found that useful in accepting the situations that I was/am in, and being ok with it.
And although you may feel like you are a 'loser' I doubt very much that others think that of you. And your kids will absolutely think the WORLD of you. In the meantime….please talk to your GP/midwife…sometimes just having someone who knows that things aren't going wonderfully can help.
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