I am mostly making this post because I need to get it off my chest. I hope thats okay.
I have what I think is social anxiety. While I was a busy student and working at a local shop, it didnt affect me so much as at uni I was quite happily antisocial and somehow made it through the full four years without mking any friends - and I was completely happy. I am an introvert and I don't care if others think that's weird. I have a partner and a couple of close friends who I can be social with. Socializing with people I don't know well stresses me out, and as i have my circle, I have not bothered to try to expand it. I did try more as a teenager (I'm 25) but one day I stopped, just relaxed and embraced the introvert life - and I have been happier for it. My job also kept me functioning in a way. Working at a busy till forced small talk to become a bit easier and because I had to talk to strangers on a regular basis, it has kept me able to do so in everyday life. WITHOUT my cashier job, I was more likely to:
- use self checkouts at the supermarket in case the cashier at the manned ones tried to make conversation
- not answer the house phone in case it was someone I didn't know or someone I felt I needed time to 'prep' myself for talking to (ie walk through possible conversation scenarios in case I couldn't think of what to say)
- pretend I was not home if someone rang the doorbell when I was not expecting anyone.
However, like I said my job kept me in practice and the above situations were not a problem, though the thoughts sometimes still ran through my head.
Now that I'm at home with the baby though, the problem has come back. Socialising is no help. I do get out with my friends but when it comes to dealing with strangers I am so anxious. Meeting up with local mothers I barely know won't help. It'll just end in awkward conversation and it'll bring me down further. My mild stutter is slowly resurfacing.
I feel like I need my job back.
The thing is, I LOVE my SAHM life. My baby boy is a joy to care for, and after initial boredom I've thrown myself into housewife mode and actually weirdly enjoy keeping the house clean. I also have the golden opportunity of an excuse to get a degree home studying. As I like studying anyway, and need a new career, in a way I NEED this stay at home time. Leaving my baby at a childminder or nursery is just not an option I want to consider. I am relishing every moment of his childhood as he will probably be my only child, and I don't want to share him with other carers - at least, not yet (he's 7 months old).
This all just recently seemed worse to me when I found myself getting needlessly anxious over little things. I am feeling anxious over arguing with an ebay seller over email about a return. Theres about 6 giant bags of hay (my pet rabbit died) sitting in my living room because I want to donate them to the local SPCA but they don't reply to my emails and I am dreading the task of calling them on the phone. I still feel worked up because earlier today I got a card through the door saying the postman had left a parcel for me at a neighbour's who I don't know. I put off collecting it to the next day and instead the lady kindly brought it round but I felt anxious at the unexpected visitor.
What a mess I am!
Is there anyone else out there who has experienced this?