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When a couple are both depressed...

(27 Posts)
Howdoesironmanwee Tue 26-Jan-16 14:37:19

Can it get better?
The other day dh confronted me again about depression, using my non existent libido (and it's impact on his self worth) as a starter.
I eventually admitted that perhaps I am. It's not how I was 3 years ago with pnd, but it is, I now accept, depression. I plan to go to gp on Friday.
He is currently taking ADS, been a few months.
I have been acting irrationally for months, maybe years. 6 months ago, he snooped my messages, concluded I was having an EA. I wasn't. I, very ebatassingly had made it up, as escapism? Or for something non dull to say to a woman I know. I like the man in question, but not like that. If the opportunity for an ea or a real affair presented itself, I wouldn't entertain it for a second. I tried and partially succeeded in convincing dh of this.
This morning he threw this and my lack of trying to make him feel desired or included in my face. Upset me badly. I cried in the playground and have been in bits all day.
He messaged to ask how I was and I told him. He threw that at me again.
I don't know what I'm asking. I feel so hurt and it seems like only his depression/ego matters. Never mind what made me do any.of that in the first place.
Any words of wisdom? Or anything.

Howdoesironmanwee Tue 26-Jan-16 15:04:22


sugarplumfairy28 Tue 26-Jan-16 15:19:15

I'm not sure what EA is in all fairness, but my husband suffers with Bipolar disorder, so have had my fair share of depressed husband arguments.

I wish I could offer something of use, but from what you're saying his attitude is fairly normal for depression. I think whatever it is you've done he is using as a 'reason' for this period of depression. In an attempt to break the cycle, he is confronting you in some hope that you can offer a response that will increase his feeling of self worth.

When someone is depressed asking them to be able to emphasize with anyone else is asking too much, they can't see out of the black box they're in to be able to understand.

If you are both depressed, it may be making things a lot worse. Can one of you stay somewhere else for a little while, give each other some space? Can you get to the GP any sooner? If you start getting some help, that would be the first step.

Marchate Tue 26-Jan-16 18:15:49

I am sorry if I am reading the post wrongly...

Your husband snooped your messages? He is saying your (lack of) libido causes his depression? Only his depression/ego matters?

Unless I am missing something crucial - I'm not a medic! - I think you should look at this:


Howdoesironmanwee Tue 26-Jan-16 18:31:53

You are reading it correctly. I know how awful it is. It certainly hasn't helped my frame of mind.
I do ften feel suffocated. It doesn't help that I'm a sahm. We've been together for 14 years. I seem to have losty fight.
However, can't see the thread you linked as it won't load for me. What was the gist!

Howdoesironmanwee Tue 26-Jan-16 18:39:41

I Googled and it came up.
Thank you.
His perspective is that I treat him like shit. I don't think I do.I cook all his meals, Inc packed lunch, do all the cleaning, 70% of the laundry, all tidying, gardening, shopping, meal planning, sorting out tradesmen, buying family gifts etc etc But I don't show him gratitude or express my love. Our dcs are 3 & 6. I'm knackered.
He tried to spice things up in the bedroom, he mis judged it v badly.

I'm in a very confused place at the minute. Not thinking very rationally.

I will go, get meds, don't really know where to go from there.

Marchate Tue 26-Jan-16 19:03:26

Tell GP what is happening at home. If they are clued up they will realise you are in an abusive relationship. But maybe not on the first visit. They only know what you tell them, so say everything you feel you can

You may get meds. The experience makes you feel really low. But the next step, once your mind is clearer, is to get help from maybe a counsellor. NOT COUPLES' COUNSELLING - in your situation it is always a bad thing. Your partner will act the 'poor soul' to get the counsellor on his side

Final bit! If the GP doesn't get it, see another one later this week. Don't leave thinking that's the end of it. Hopefully that won't happen but be prepared!

LWC Tue 26-Jan-16 22:32:38

He sounds very ungrateful. You seem to have assumed the role of parent while he is acting like a spoilt teenager.
It's also not acceptable that he read your messages.
Apart from your shared history and of course your children, is there anything positive you can say about him? What does he do for you emotionally?
I hope he does have his plus points. From my experience, when I've gone through periods of depression, it has been hard to remember these without instead focusing on the negatives and getting into a horrible downward spiral. What you are feeling is very normal so don't beat yourself up about it.
I have found medication to be quite helpful, but you need to be able to talk through your feelings as well. Medication should only be viewed as a temporary solution.

AnotherEmma Tue 26-Jan-16 22:36:50

"He tried to spice things up in the bedroom, he mis judged it v badly."

What did he do?

There are some warning bells ringing from you posts. Please can you read these signs of emotional abuse and let us know if any ring true?

Either way, I think you going to the GP is a good idea, but can I suggest that you ask for counselling rather than meds?

Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 08:25:38

Your partner might have started a thread?

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 27-Jan-16 08:30:30

Depression is contagious. Good luck at the GP, will you tell him or her about the made-up emotional affair? That is quite unusual and should be a flag that yours is not a mild case.

Is it possible for you and your dh to take a small break from each other? Or agree to put a bit of distance between you temporarily while you work on your individual mental health?

Howdoesironmanwee Wed 27-Jan-16 12:38:10

I don't think he's an abuser.I really don't. emma a lot of things on that list could easily apply to my treatment of him.

I feel that he loves me.I love him, very much. I don't know what extra support he could give me in order to make me feel better to be honest.

But, I do feel like I can't do anything wit out explaining myself. I truly don't know if that's down to him or me.

I feel insecure as a sahm. But it was my choice and ds goes to school in Sept. I'm terrified of reenter the world of work.I feel utterly useless, having been in quite a senior role pre babies.

I am in a negative spiral, that has become more apparent to me recently. I feel terrible about my frame of mind.

I want to spend more time, just us,but im conscious of every penny, childcare isn't easily to hand and quite frankly, I've forgotten what it is I enjoy doing.

We used to laugh and connect but I feel like such a 'mum' and never ever feel like I'm off duty.

I don't want time apart. I want us to make this work. I know it's going to be difficult, we are neither of us in a good place mentally and I feel like I have to be responsible for his happiness when I can't even manage my own.

I'm feeling more psitive. We cuddled up on the sofa last night and it felt really good.

I hope that I can unravel it a bit at a time and find a new way for us to be happy.

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 27-Jan-16 12:44:17

It all sounds very difficult and I'm so glad you have an appointment with your GP. Perhaps going back to work will be a really helpful step in improving your mental health?

I only mentioned a bit of breathing space, some time apart. Nothing like an official separation. You said in your op you feel suffocated. But I'm glad you feel a bit better today.

Howdoesironmanwee Wed 27-Jan-16 12:48:33

Marchate oh my god, yes, I do believe you're right. He started it this morning whilst I was upstairs getting the kids ready!
Which means, in all liklihood he has read/is reading this.
Mainly because I didn't accuse him of emotional abuse. I told him I felt upset about yesterday morning.

Right feeling sick now rather than positive.

Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 12:51:46

Time to lock him out your accounts. Search the Relationships boards for advice on doing this. I'm no expert, although spying has happened to me

Howdoesironmanwee Wed 27-Jan-16 13:22:20

I feel shaky and have no idea how to approach this.
Has he logged in as me or coincidentally read my post and realised it was me?
I'm gutted. I stupidly thought that we'd started to turn a corner lat night.

AnotherEmma Wed 27-Jan-16 13:29:32

It is rather strange that he has posted on MN too? Does he know that you use MN? Has he used it before?

I can understand if you feel that he has violated your right to privacy and a private source of support. Perhaps you could discuss that with him.

Is there any chance you could bring your GP appointment forward? It would be good for you to get support and find out about possible counselling ASAP.

We are still here for you but I understand if you don't feel comfortable posting here any more. Feel free to PM me if you like.


Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 13:30:47

Step 1 - he logged in as you and read your posts

Step 2 - he logged out & started his own account

I searched the user name. That is their only post. I don't know if it's something you can report to Mumsnet as starting an account is not illicit! But you could ask for this thread to be deleted?

You need to protect yourself. People like that think they are entitled to follow your every move. I read somewhere that spying never stops, no matter what he promises. Why would he stop? It gives him great power with minimal effort

Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 13:34:15

AnotherEmma, he wouldn't need to know she used Mumsnet. A 'scan' for her passwords will also disclose what site they are for. Do not underestimate the lengths some people will go to if they mean to monitor their partner

AnotherEmma Wed 27-Jan-16 13:34:35

Sorry, just wanted to add a response to this:

"we are neither of us in a good place mentally and I feel like I have to be responsible for his happiness when I can't even manage my own."

You are not responsible for his happiness. You might contribute to it, but ultimately you are not responsible. You HAVE to focus on yourself and getting professional support for your own depression, as well as practising self-care, before you can begin to help him with his own depression.

It sounds like if you both look after yourselves, there is hope, but only if you can respect each other's boundaries (which means he stops logging into your online accounts and stalking you on MN!)

AnotherEmma Wed 27-Jan-16 13:37:52

Please change all your passwords, OP

Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 13:42:17

If he has a dodgy app that gets your passwords, he'll know what you change them to

Put some words like spying partner, snooping etc into the search box above. There have definitely been threads with good advice about protecting yourself

Howdoesironmanwee Wed 27-Jan-16 13:48:03

I really doubt it's gone that far.
At least I really hope that it hasn't.

Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 13:48:38

BTW, you should ask Mumsnet to move this thread to Relationships as it has changed course somewhat. The people there will be helpful with the tech aspects too

AnotherEmma Wed 27-Jan-16 13:53:13

You should still change all your passwords just in case.

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