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Falling down a hole.(9 Posts)
I feel like I'm stuck in a hole, and the ground keeps giving way and dropping further down. I'm not sure where to start but I'm trying to deal with depression while having to be the motivator of the house.
My husband suffers with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder and our situation is making his triggers worse and his moods erratic, and I can't put this on him.
Our situation was never met to be this. In 2012 we decided we wanted to emigrate, to Germany. For many boring reasons our original plan was changed as my parents decided they would emigrate too. The plan changed to this, they would buy the house and carry out essential work to make it work for us (them and us) it is meant to be 2 self contained flats, with a loft area for DH and us to extend into, and DH and I would pay all the household bills, instead of rent. (The house would be my inheritance) I had conditions on agreeing to this particular house as it didn't meet many of our requirements, my parents assured me that the conditions would be met as they didn't want to continue house hunting. (We only viewed 2!)
Key conditions were, to enclose the stairs which divides the properties, as my flat was in two sections, one half enclosed by a wall and a door at the top of the stairs, and the other half is completely open to downstairs. To enclose the garden, so my children can access the garden without having to negotiate the main road, and for the non functioning bathroom to be sorted.
We moved here in July 2014, to date none of my conditions have been met, my parents decided to blow all the money for the work on the house on a Mercedes instead. My bathroom barely functions, it's not sealed, it has no heat and a leaky window. Also in our agreement, my parents were to find sufficient employment to fund themselves, diesel, shopping, trips out etc. In November 2014 after 6 weeks from starting to look, my husband started a new job. By January my parents had run out of money. By March their iffy job seekers money claim was rejected, since then DH and I have had to pay everything! And I mean everything. My parents eventually got a mini job, and pretty much spend all of it within a week of being paid and out and out refuse to tell us on what, even though we still have to then fund them.
I got a job in June but unfortunately was laid off within my probation due to the work force being relocated to Poland. My parents' spending has put DH and I in around 10k of debt, and due to the dates things are paid, many of our own bills have gone unpaid, while their bills have been. DH lost his job too in November due to the relocation (we were in the same company) My parents have not heeded all our warnings about money and the severe lack thereof. My mum is a bully, entering any kind of conversation with her will result in her being abusive, unhelpful and lead to her doing very spiteful things. (She wasn't like this before) DH receives job seekers but it's not designed to support 4 adults and 2 children, so isn't going very far. In any attempt to tell Mum we cannot give her money Mum starts wrecking furniture or more precisely things would have to be repaired at expense to us of course i.e front door, cooker, windows etc
We have to get out of this house and away from my parents, and cut them off, which is easier said than done when neither DH or I have found new jobs and we literally have no money to do anything productive with. We are in such an incredible mess, which means all hope for baby number 3 is gone (which my mum is pleased about, apparently 3 is greedy when you have one of each) It's my 30th birthday next month and we might not even be able to put food on the table, my mum's reaction, was I shouldn't moan that DH can't do or get me anything because she's given me a nice! house to live in. I don't think I can put on a brave face and pretend that my birthday is a pleasant day. The children know something is wrong and are generally unhappy, everyone is miserable, grumpy, arguing and shouting all the time. I have to somehow get everyone out of bed and ready for school and kindergarten, when I all I want to do is hide in bed all day and hope it all goes away. I feel like this is all heading to some huge finale and I can't stop it.
If you have read all of this, thank you. I don't assume or expect anyone to give me the answer, but I just needed to get some of it out, somehow.
Can you leave and either find somewhere else or move back out of Germany?
You'll need to get your parents to sell the house to pay back the 10k debt you are in.
You can find a nice house of your own to rent with your own family (no parents) independently.
No wonder you're depressed. Your mum and dad sound like a nightmare. It'll be a lot of sorting but not impossible.
My mother is of the opinion that in fact we owe them money, for things that were covered by our agreement in getting over here, removal costs etc.
Just for reference, my parents aren't old old, so 30 years isn't unrealistic, DH and I, paying 500€ a month for my parents for the next 30 years that's €180,000 which we agreed would more than compensate them for the removal costs, solicitors etc. Mum has absolutely no intention of paying back what she has spent.
I am beyond appalled at what she has done to us, I think the best we can hope for, is to find our own place and cut them off. We will be removing the last family our children have around them, and it's not an immediate fix because the current sate of things. I just can't see that far into the future.
sounds awful. Focus on one thing at a time, get an action plan in place with planned steps. You need to get away from them at all costs.
can you find work elsewhere then ask for help from the new company in setting you up with a new place to live (maybe cover rent in the first instance) while you get back on your feet?
I feel so ashamed that in nearly 30 years I haven't worked out that this is the true nature of my mum. DH is desperately looking for a job but both of us stuck in a position where it needs to be an English speaking job. We both have a basic level of German, again which I am ashamed of, with me actually being German. DH is looking for jobs within a 3 hour commute and has even applied at McDonalds, so I don't think he is being too fussy.
I have a line I don't want to cross and that's changing our Son's school, this is the 4th place he has been at (nursery in England, moved to a school for reception year where none of his friends were going in England, Kindergarten in Germany and now school in Germany, he has just settled and has a network of teachers and friends who have made him feel at ease at learning German - he is almost fluent. I just can't move him again, he finds it so difficult and upsetting) Am I wrong for having that line? If I have that line, it restricts us to moving within 5 villages, I don't want to cause more upset for the children.
We have to go to the bank and ask for help, which I'm dreading, it's not even for the long term it's just to put food on the table for now.
The overall plan is DH to get a job, then get the money situation under control so we can get out of here, all of which feels completely out of my control.
DH has a job interview tomorrow, have absolutely everything crossed although trying to not pin all my hopes on it. He applied for it yesterday afternoon and had an email first thing this morning asking him to go in tomorrow, so hopefully that's promising.
that's good news! fingers crossed for you.
sounds like you've got a plan together. just keep tapping away at it when you can.
oh and don't be ashamed about not realising about your parents. for the first 30 years of your life you're figuring out who you are etc, it's not until you're that bit older that you realise some of the adults in your life are fallible etc, especially your parents! i'd say it's pretty normal not to realise until your age...
you'll get there in the end with sorting stuff.
Thank you azimazi, DH thinks the interview went well and I've spent the day redecorating our old bedroom for DS in an attempt to bring order to the house.
Trying to distract myself with other things while we sit and wait on news with the big stuff.
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