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Is this me forever?

(10 Posts)
Indigomontoya Fri 22-Jan-16 23:52:17

I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 4 years ago. Ive had panic attacks/anxiety throughout my life.

Its just all become too much.

After a fairly lengthy "good" spell I have crashed. I realise that this is me forever now, I'm not the person I was before my depression and I never will be again. Its going to be a continuous cycle of feeling better and coping to feeling out of my depth and hopeless.

How on earth do I cope with all this pain, everyday. I have a family who love me but don't really understand. To them I'm not too bad because I don't self harm or not be able to get out of bed. The only reason I do get out of bed is that I can't stand being "the centre of attention" and I'm also a chronic people pleaser.

I have to carry on. I can't stop the pain. I'm just terrified that this is all there is now.

dangermouseisace Sat 23-Jan-16 08:43:02

indigo it always feels like it will be forever when you're on a low. You sounds like me' "I'm always going around in circles!" Have you seen your Dr recently? As it sounds like you need some help. It doesn't have to be like this.

Indigomontoya Sat 23-Jan-16 08:55:56

Hi danger Im reluctant to back to the doctors because although they did help and the citalopram I'm on brought me back from the abyss, what more help can they give?

I feel like its a case of "oh no not her again". Realistically I know she won't but it's maybe just how I feel about it. I FEEL like an attention seeker.

Thanks for replying

FaithAscending Sat 23-Jan-16 17:01:47

I definitely understand that thought pattern - I was first diagnosed with depression as a consequence of chronic anxiety in 2003. I've had SSRIs, counselling including CBT type therapy. The thing that's helped me the most though is doing mindfulness. I use the Headspace app - on android and App Store. It's essentially guided meditation. It's made a huge difference to how I think about things. I'm able to let thoughts come and go in a way I never could before. If you haven't already tried it, I highly recommend it. The first 10 sessions are free and I have a discount code for a free month if you'd like it.

NanaNina Sat 23-Jan-16 20:43:23

Indigo I think that's the trouble with depression, it recurs just when you think you're better, which makes us feel worse of course. It's a deceitful illness because it makes us think things about ourselves that aren't true, like convincing us that we're never going to get better, which is a symptom of depression.

Please don't worry about going to the GP (about one third of all GP consultations are mental health related) and they choose to do that job and are very well paid. You have every right to see them again.

When you say you have a family, do you mean parents or an H/P and children. We cope with the paid because we have to - there's no option. BUT the GP might be able to try you on another AD so please make an appointment.

charliesweb Sun 24-Jan-16 07:56:59

I've been wanting to post here also, but haven't known what to say. I really identify with your post. I'm also going through a really low point and struggling. I'm away for the weekend with my mum and sister and it breaks my heart that I'm not enjoying it as I should be. I know what you mean about feeling like you'll never fully recover. That's exactly how I feel. Everything feels pretty hopeless at the moment. Something which has helped a little bit is a letter written by Stephen Fry. I'll try to link to it.

Indigomontoya Sun 24-Jan-16 11:31:59

Thanks faith I've downloaded the app and will give it a go, at this point I'm so cynical about everything but I know I need to do something.
nana I have a husband and two kids (9 and 4). I work full time and it's just so much. It's ridiculous because I see people dealing with life and I feel pathetic because I can't. Trying to hide it all is exhausting but I have to because my husband doesn't cope well with me being ill ( last time he had to go on ADs because everything got on top of him).
charlie that's how I feel, one of my closest friends just got engaged and asked me to be bridesmaid and I felt nothing except dread that this was another responsibility! What kind of friend am I?! I'm going to have a read of that link and I hope you manage to enjoy your weekend xxx
Thanks everyone x

charliesweb Sun 24-Jan-16 16:19:35

I wish there was a magic cure. You sound so much like me. I'm currently on Citralopram and I've accessed some councelling. I'd rather be in traction than have this, so I could have something wrong with me that could be seen and understood. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive and understanding. But it impacts on them and that just adds to the guilt I feel. I also question whether I am genuinely ill, I feel like I'm attention seeking and weak. Like you say other people seem to cope with genuinely horrible situations. There isn't actually wrong in my life. If anything I'm very fortunate.
I'm sorry I can't be more help but hopefully it's reassuring to know that you're not alone.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Sun 24-Jan-16 16:26:13

I am actually thinking about going back to my psychiatrist and asking for EST, as I am sick of thinking that I have eventually managed to get to a place where I am stable and then being floored by something that comes out of nowhere.
Like you, OP, I get up and I function but on the inside, it just seems like life is pointless and that anything added to my load is just too much to cope with.

moopymoodle Sun 24-Jan-16 16:38:04

Op try to remember nobodies feelings are all good. Even those without anxiety disorder get anxious. Have you looked at the work of Claire Weekes? Some free audios online, she's amazing.

Progress can always be made, but never when trying to rid yourself of anxiety. Progress is made when you accept it. Wanting to be rid of it creates it aswell as depression. Well that's my take on it

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