Anyone else had this?
First sought help as obviously affected by volatile home life, aged 19. Got labelled an attention seeker/waste of time. I'm now 30 and have had various attempts at getting help, now I'm very traumatised... complex trauma, due to abusive relationships, trusting people who hurt me, homelessness and job lossess (due to breaking down). Currently on disability benefits yet still not entitled to NHS help, except some vague behavioural training type stuff that's not what I need.
They didn't even put me on a proper DBT course/do this therapy properly, just had someone vaguley saying we should look at DBT skills together. So I expressed some concern and asked what skills in particular, as it seems to be very focussed on reducing self injury etc, which I don't do. It also all seems to be about "learning to behave" in a certain way which isn't my problem - my problem is I feel so low and awful I can't cope, not I don't know how to behave. They just do not seem to get it at all, they assume I must go round sabotaging my life, rather than constantly trying to stick a smile on and cope when the pain inside and memories and weight of the world crushes me. No matter how I try to be patient with them and explain when they seem to miss the point, they just seem cross with me. There is no kindness or empathy from any of them. They don't even speak to me in a basic respectful manner, and act like me needing help is an irritant.
I have read up a lot over the years about stuff, and am pretty certain of my MH issues/where they stem from/what help I need, but they treat me like an attention seeking idiot. Of course they have said I have BPD from the start, but this seems to be based on the perception of me as "attention seeking" rather than any actual traits iyswim. This makes no sense either - it's a circular definition, really. Asking for help, struggling in any way = attention seeking. And attention seeking = BPD. And BPD = if someone's asking for help, it must be attention seeking.
So I'm stuck whereby I can't fight for the help I need because the very act of doing so "proves" to them I'm attention seeking and don't need help, or need DBT behavioural type training (I know DBT has more to it that this, but the watered down NHS version doesn't). Occasionally, like this weekend, someone else finds out cos it gets so bad, and it ends up with police forcing into my flat, which is a huge trigger for me and sets off PTSD type response, and retraumatises all over again. They then get me assessed and dump me, often quite sneering and nasty about it too. (Although some of the police have been lovely and expressed frustration with the system, and more heartfelt concern than any psych nurse I've encountered). So my main thing is just to stay off the radar, I try to survive but them doing that (police, forced assessment etc) brings me so close to suicide, as well as causing almost constant traumatic nightmares and anxiety attacks for a while afterwards.
Oh, and it is virtually impossible to speak to anyone irl about this, as people just don't believe what the system has done to me (and others). They would refer to believe I was making it up, or tell me I obviously don't really want help etc. It cuts to the core, that last one. People seem to have an amazing capacity for turning away, pretending the world isn't really like that.
I'd give anything to be loved, to have someone just empathise when it hurt, let me have a hug when the memories get bad, treat me like I'm worth something. The NHS won't do that - yet so many people think it does, odd.
I know theres probably a lot of posters here who would be ever so kind and mean well, saying try someone else, or go to your GP or something - please take in what I have written above. I have tried again and again to get help. I have seen the system and spoken to others and know how dreadful it can be, I am hoping someone out there understands. That's why I'm writing this, for solidarity, to know Im not alone and the worthless waste of space they treat me as.
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Mental health
mental health services don't like me, and it makes me feel worse - anyone else?
27 replies
elementofsurprise · 10/01/2016 19:10
OP posts:
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