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when does it all end ?

(51 Posts)
Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 06:53:26

I am a single mum. My dd is 8. Since she was 6, I've had depression, ptsd, dysthmia and the symptoms of bpd / traits that come out when I'm stressed. This is what psychology say anyway. I've had 2 psychotic episodes, tried to end my life multiple times and recently ended up in hospitAl for the first time after trying to end my life. I am also doing a master's degree. I get phases of psychosis and paranoid thoughts followed by depressions, and I can feel myself slipping into a depression. This is my first time being so ill and I just wanted to know that it gets better, somehow, somewhere.....

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 16:39:24

No one?

EssentialHummus Sun 27-Dec-15 16:46:40

Hey OP, didn't want to read and run. I suffer from depression, and when I'm in a bad way it sometimes helps me to remember that these episodes are cyclical - things get worse, things get better, and if you're in a "worse" period right now you need to try to do things for yourself sometimes (not just for your DD / job / studies).

Try to do something every day which is for you - an extra few minutes in the bath/shower, something good to eat, a haircut/outfit if your budget allows. I bet you take good care of your DD and make sure all her needs are met - please do the same for yourself. flowers

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 17:09:08

Thank you essential. I'm finding it really tough going today and home treatment aren't keen on me having larozapem, which helps.

EssentialHummus Sun 27-Dec-15 17:21:06

No worries OP - I think the rest of MN is engaged in threads about xmas toiletries and the like, but please don't assume that there's no one here to listen! Is there anything you can do today to settle yourself a bit?

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 18:56:34

I had a bath and did a bit of uni work, but finding the flashbacks unbearable.

MagpieCursedTea Sun 27-Dec-15 19:15:48

It does get better. It won't feel like it when you're in the grips of an episode, but there will be a time when you're well again.
It sounds like you're working very hard to be well and that you have good medical support. Do you have good personal support as well?
As for the lorazepam, it can be very easy to become reliant on it and it can have some nasty side effects if taken too much such as memory loss. I have it as a PRN so I understand how helpful it can be as well! Have they offered you an alternative for when you're in crisis and need something to calm you down?

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 19:17:31

They haven't offered me anything no. I..think I am entering a depressed phase.. ended up on the floors crying earlier and my body feels like dead weight and I'm so every, very tired.

MagpieCursedTea Sun 27-Dec-15 19:20:06

Try to get some sleep. Have you been sleeping okay? Are you getting regular visits from home treatment?

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 19:36:39

I see home treatment every couple of days. I have zoplicone to help me sleep, but still awake in the elderly hours. My medication also makes me very sick and I've not got any anti sickness meds at the minute. Plus horrendous fibro pain.

MagpieCursedTea Sun 27-Dec-15 19:56:58

That sounds tough. Are you seeing them tomorrow? If not, can you get an appointment?

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 20:27:42

Yeah I'm seeing them tomorrow, I just don't know how much help they are.

MagpieCursedTea Sun 27-Dec-15 20:33:24

Have they not been very helpful so far? They should at least be able to help you sort out your anti sickness medication.
Maybe different teams work differently, but I used to have nurses come see me and if I needed a med, they'd get the psychiatrist to prescribe it.

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 20:41:21

They just seem to spend five minutes with me and then go away again. I feel as though they are just checking I'm not dead.

MagpieCursedTea Sun 27-Dec-15 20:58:16

I imagine they're a very overstretched service with a lot of people to see. That doesn't help you though! Do you get regular reviews with the psychiatrist? Might be worth asking for a medication review.

Neverletmego27 Sun 27-Dec-15 21:42:46

I do get regular reviews yes. I really don't feel well tonight, feel suicidal. Just trying to get through the night with zoplicone to blitz me and forget everything. Well and truly fed up. Very scared. I felt safer in hospital.

MagpieCursedTea Sun 27-Dec-15 22:16:25

Night time is always harder. Are you on your own? Can you call someone to come sit with you?

Neverletmego27 Mon 28-Dec-15 06:52:38

Sorry I didn't come back. I took a zoplicone and fell asleep! Really struggling with flashbacks this morning and I'm still in bed. Feeling very low. Hope home treatment can help me.

ProfessorPreciseaBug Mon 28-Dec-15 07:24:41

Well I woke up early for some reason and couldn't get back to sleep. Please accept my apologies for not replying earlier, there are so many storys similar to yours that it takes time to get to you.

I am happy that you got a good night sleep. Shat ate your flashacks about?

ProfessorPreciseaBug Mon 28-Dec-15 07:41:09

I must be more careful ...
Fir shat ate... please read... what are!!

Neverletmego27 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:39:47

Sexual abuse and rape I suffered as a child. There was also a lot of domestic violence, but that comes up less.

MagpieCursedTea Mon 28-Dec-15 11:15:01

Glad to hear you got some sleep! What time are the HTT visiting you?
It could be worth writing down some of the symptoms you're having and what you're struggling most with, it'll help keep you on track when they visit. I know it can seem like a bit of an overwhelming blur.

Neverletmego27 Mon 28-Dec-15 12:07:56

Home treatment have just been. They are a bit worried about me and so are sending a Dr to asses me at 2.30 They are talking about respite, but I'm going to try and avoid it if I can.

MagpieCursedTea Mon 28-Dec-15 12:14:27

It's good that they're giving you extra support. What would you like the outcome of your doctors appointment to be?

Neverletmego27 Mon 28-Dec-15 12:19:23

Hmmm...well home treatment were adamant I should see a Dr...but I don't feel ill. I suppose maybe I could ask for more frequent visits from home treatment or something. Whatever it is, I don't feel 'ill' just low. I don't really want respite or to go into hospital or anything.

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