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I've messed up so bad I don't think I can come back from it.

(49 Posts)

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Scaredofmyownshadow Thu 24-Dec-15 00:44:19

I've messed up everything.
I hate Christmas for what it is, hate what it makes me remember.
Everything at home has gone wrong. My daughter has moved in with her friend and won't speak to me. She has been gone 4 weeks and she has made it clear she won't be coming home.
It hurts so much.
My youngest is still here and is trying so hard but he shouldn't be, he should be being a child.
Her behaviour was bad but social work told me it's normal, but my normal is so different to their different. She wasn't going to school, she was drinking and working too many hours.
My normal growing up was being abused by my mum and dad and their friends, checking under cars for bombs, having armed guards on the school bus and at the school gates, that's my normal.

My head is a mess, I can't cope, can't go out, I can't stop crying. Everything is hopeless.
The thought of Christmas fills me with dread. They were always so cruel to me, watching my sisters open their presents and I had nothing, or they would give me some but take them back. I had to earn them and if I got it wrong they would hurt me real bad.
I want out, life's to hard and it hurts to breath.
I'm sorry if I've said the wrong thing but thank you for reading this.

Kelsoooo Thu 24-Dec-15 00:47:32

Have you sought help for this? Therapy?

There are many things you can do and people to ask for help.

I'm sorry youre going through this. Take one minute at a time, and try to think of one happy thing every hour. Just keep plugging away.

Scaredofmyownshadow Thu 24-Dec-15 01:46:54

Yes, I have a cpn, psychologist and psychiatrist and they do help, I'm just struggling really bad just now. I can't function or think straight.
It's jus t to hard.
The thoughts, the feelings, it's all too much.
I hate the word control but it feels like I'm losing control over everything.
I can't sleep, I'm struggling to eat, I'm panicking over everything, even watching tv sends me into a panic.
My GP gave me diazapam last week but I'm even panicking over who to take that, what if I take it at the wrong time and I should have taken it later, or I should have taken them earlier.
It all feels a mess sad

ProfessorPreciseaBug Thu 24-Dec-15 07:49:05

Do the social workers know anything of the abuse you suffered as a child?
Does your daughter?

Such things make it difficult to act as a "normal" parent. It is possible you have done things or behaved in some way that seems very odd to a teenage girl.

Scaredofmyownshadow Thu 24-Dec-15 09:22:50

Social work know most of what happened to me.
My kids know bad things happened to me as a child but I was always told they were never to know the details and I agree with them on that part.
I know I've messed up with her, I wanted to protect her from all the bad things that could happen but I think I got it wrong.
I probably do act odd to them compared to their friends parents but I do the best I can with what I know.
I've just messed everything up and if I wasn't about they could all have a normal life with out a fucked up mum.

Rosenwyn1985 Thu 24-Dec-15 10:22:05

Like you, although different, I come from an abusive home. What I would say is this: your daughter might be angry now but if my mum had said sorry and really tried (even if she'd messed up) that would have counted for a lot. It was the not caring that got me as much as the abuse itself. She might not be ready to hear it, I don't know how old she is, but if you just say you're there for her, apologise for any odd behaviour and try you can do no more. As she matures she'll realise that's all she can ask, with a bit of luck. Keep seeking help. Don't give up. Life is worth fighting for. And I won't let my abusers beat me.

Scaredofmyownshadow Fri 25-Dec-15 00:57:06

I have apologised , feel like I'm constantly apologising.
I wanted my children to have a better life than I had and in a way they have but i still feel like I've failed them.
I don't know how to be a good mum, I know what not to do as in the abuse I suffered but I don't know what to do in the normal sense.
I've messed everything up.
It's Christmas Day now and I'm already panicking, feel sick, can't stop shaking.
It shouldn't be any surprise it's the same day every year but it still manages to get me, all the feelings, the fears they all come flooding back.

Everything feels so dark and pointless.
I'm supposed to happy and excited after all it's Christmas it's a happy time when in reality I just want to end my life. sad

BrokenGirl1 Fri 25-Dec-15 06:23:25

Oh honey, 'unMumsnet' hugs ((((*scared*))))
flowers

dippydeedoo Fri 25-Dec-15 06:46:04

That was then,this is now.
You are doing the best you can with what experiences youve had and whatever emotional trigger has brought this about.
You are allowed to be anxious you are allowed to be irrational this is why you have the support of the mental health team and medication.
Your fears wont magically disappear but they wont always be so prominent in your mind,your nurse and therapists will help you.
The doctor gave you diazepam last week so you were struggling then,no wonder by today youre on the ceiling kid xx
Theres routes of action you can take now you can lie in bed and keep repeating to yourself the mantra that was then this is now,you can practice your breathing technique and be mindful about how you can cope with the day ahead (because thats what it is a day,a day you can presumably lock your doors and know you are safe from the fears you once had.
You could take the diazepam its not going to be a huge dose and it wont make you numb it will just help ease the edge of your spinning mind, im not sure how you take it but even if you do it 'wrong' there wont be any horrific consequence.
Your daughter im presuming is older and perhaps not as supportive (selfish teens or early 20s.....ive got one of them too ...) shes old enough to celebrate christmas day her way,wether or not its with you this year is her choice,youve done what you can.
If its really bad you can fone the crisis team and they will be there for you.
Its one day out of 365,it doesnt have to be perfect-you cannot berate yourself for being poorly.
I take pro panolol for my anxiety its a beta blocker and helps me a lot - maybe you could ask your gps thoughts on you trying it.
You will feel better it wont always be so bad as this x

Scaredofmyownshadow Thu 31-Dec-15 01:30:57

My youngest is away and I'm home alone til Saturday.
I picked up my eekly meds today and had to hide them because I don't want to be here when my son comes home.
I used to take propanol but it effected my heart so they had to take me off it.
I don't have anymore diazapam left and won't be allowed another prescription for a while.
I feel so alone, so empty. I don't have anything left to give.
Even today hearing the wind terrified me, taking out the bins, every day life scares me.
I can't keep doing it. sad

ProfessorPreciseaBug Thu 31-Dec-15 08:43:36

You think you have messed up... Can I ask if you are comparing yourself to some idea of "normal"?

Scaredofmyownshadow Fri 01-Jan-16 17:21:42

I don't know what 'normal' is.
Well I know what my normal is and I know what everyone tells me their normal is and that there's is right.
I had 25 years of my normal and now 18 years of not having a clue, living with ghosts.
I know no-ones life is perfect and things go wrong.
I'm tired of thinking, talking, breathing, living.
I I shouldn't even be here now, I shouldn't have woke up but unfortunately I did sad

janethegirl2 Fri 01-Jan-16 17:31:28

I'm not sure anyone is 'normal', it is just a term to describe average or typical. It's an amalgamation of everyone.
Sorry you are struggling so much but I think you may need your meds adjusted as they don't seem to be working for you.
Have you a friend you can call or visit for support? brewcake

ditherydora Fri 01-Jan-16 21:19:37

I hope this doesn't sound trite but when I had a traumatic incident recently .y counsellor told me to repeat 500 time - This is not my fault. I am doing the best I can. This too will pass

It sounds as though you have had the most incredibly difficult times in your life. You are doing your best and have chosen not to harm your children the way you were harmed. That is a brave and hard thing to do
You should be proud of yourself.

flowers

ohmagosh Sat 02-Jan-16 07:59:03

Shadow
Where do wanna be when your son arrives back?

In the words of my own ds
"you haven't messed up it's not over, you still have today tomorrow and the future"
From the mouth of babes
Keep keeping on yes it's challenging managing teens/ our offspring
But stay safe... Don't let depression talk you into any unsafe decisions

Scaredofmyownshadow Sat 02-Jan-16 19:58:49

I want to be dead, to not be breathing.
My kids aren't enough anymore, nothing is.
My meds make know difference but when I tell the psychiatrist this she tells me that I would be much worse without them.

My youngest comes back tomorrow, it should have been today but the trains still are that great.
My time of making it happen has come to an end and now I have to put a cheery face on when inside I'm crumbling.
It just hurts so much. sad

KubelkoBondy Sat 02-Jan-16 20:22:47

You can get through this. You are getting through this. That is what you are doing, right now.

It's too much to think of everything all at once and try to control it - of course you are feeling overwhelmed - you are trying to deal with so much - the future, and your awful past, and your DC and the rest of all your lives together.

You don't need to deal with all of that now. You CANT deal with everything now. It's too much. No-one could. Just deal with how you are feeling NOW and what you can do NOW to start feeling better.

Deal with this moment. And the next. And the next. That's all you can do anyway.

You sound so panicky and scared. Look after yourself. Put your hands on your belly. Breathe in. Feel your belly rise. Breathe out through pursed lips, like you are breathing out through a straw. Very very very gently. Make the out breath as long and as gentle and as quiet as possible. Calmer and calmer. Breath quieter and quieter. In breath gentle. Out breath slow.

Phone Samaritans if you want to speak to someone - that is what they are there for. You don't have to be feeling suicidal. You're feeling utterly shit and worried and sad and overwhelmed - you can tell them everything and they will listen without judgement.

You can deal with everything else when you are feeling a bit stronger.

Scaredofmyownshadow Thu 14-Jan-16 22:50:29

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Feel like I'm going mad, or madder as the case should be.
Everything is a panic, feel like my chest is being crushed.
My son wants a new bed but I can't get him it as it's just going to be a waste as he wont be living with me because I will be dead, but how do I tell him that?
I just feel so sad, have this ball in the pit of my stomach that won't go away.
I haven't slept for 4 nights and I can't stop shaking, feel sick.
Why doesn't it stop?
I need it to stop, the thoughts, the fears, everything is impossible and pointless.
I'm scared the thoughts will win, they won't be quiet sad

ditherydora Fri 15-Jan-16 00:05:55

Scared - you need to access real life support now. Please phone the Samaritans.

You need to do this for two reasons.

First, you need to be kind to yourself - and you need to speak to someone who can help you do this.

Second, you need to do whatever you can to help support your son. And to do that you need to heal.

Scaredofmyownshadow Fri 15-Jan-16 01:04:14

I spoke to out of hours, to my cpn the other day but it feels like they can't hear me, or they don't believe me.
I'm tired of telling them, I don't have the energy, it doesn't change anything.
I thought writing it down here would make it real and maybe scare me into staying, but it doesn't, it just shows me what a screw up I am and the world would be a better place without me.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 15-Jan-16 01:10:06

No, it wouldn't be a better place without you. I say that emphatically having only read your last post.

I'll say it again:

The world will not be a better place without you.

Please call the Samaritans.

You can get through this, I know it's hard and you don't feel able, but you can.

ditherydora Fri 15-Jan-16 05:17:38

Your illness is lying to you. It's distorting your perception of reality.

These feelings are very difficult to battle on your own.

The FACT is your children are better with you being here for them. We, all of us, make mistakes as parents every day. But that doesn't make us bad parents.

Have you spoken to the Samaritans?

AdrianlovesPandora Fri 15-Jan-16 05:43:47

I agree I am a mum who has also made mistakes everybody does.

You are very worthwhile keep reaching out to people on here keep talking and do contact the Samaritans they are there to help you because you matter.

X

BeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 15-Jan-16 10:03:36

Hi Scaredofmyownshadow - we're so sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We're wishing you all the best OP flowers

Scaredofmyownshadow Fri 15-Jan-16 11:53:24

I'm sorry for worrying people, it wasn't my intention, I just struggle to say things out loud for fear of people's reaction.

I phoned the Samaritans but they didn't have any female workers available, I did try talking to the male worker but I couldn't and hung up.
Am waiting on the duty cpn phoning me back.

I'm still struggling to be here and if I'm honest I don't want to be here and I'm not sure my kids are enough to keep me here but I'll wait for the cpn to phone me and see if she has anything to suggest.

I am sorry for worrying anyone sad

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