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toxic parents and money issues

(17 Posts)
fugley Mon 14-Dec-15 13:11:51

I am an only child. I had a mixed childhood happiness-wise, due to my parents poor relationship with each other.

My parents have moved to Spain recently. I am actually thankful they have gone, the bad outweighed the good.

I am in contact with them purely due to wishful thinking and wanting a contented settled life, but being in contact with them stresses me. They only want contact on their terms ie. small-talk, but if I mention anything about getting the finances sorted it kicks off.

the issue now between me and them is money, as this is what all the arguments are about, it was always what they fought over too, round in circles, there were other things too but often it was money.

what I have asked for is the new account numbers, as they most of their money abroad. Just for my records, so that I do not have to hunt for paperwork when I need to access upon death - which given their age might be in the next few years.

I have also asked for copies of their new Wills, they said no there is no need. The wills are apparently with a solicitor in Spain. I do not know if this is true or not. I think that reading between the lines they have put significant money for my kids and bypassed me. I might be wrong, it might be something else worse.

I am thinking of cutting contact as I am sick of the arguments, I am not a thief and I am not asking for any money, we have our own good income and I get the veiled inference of 'why do you want to know this and that'......and so I explain why, again and again.

I know alot of you will say, just explain it and they should see reason, but I have over and over clearly, and then I raise my voice and it escalates.
I understand they have the right to do what they want with their money but is it fair to leave me in the dark? - am I just to accept this and have a potential mess to deal with later in a foreign country bureaucracy?

willowcatkin111 Mon 14-Dec-15 14:16:35

They are right in that they don't need to tell you and in a lot of ways it is a stressful thing to do - thinking about 'dying'. Let time sort itself out and if you do have to worry about things like dealing with stuff in Spain if it happens.
Personally I would cut off contact - have finally realised this is the only way to deal with toxic parents and it has help considerably. Of course still getting the 'you must see her over Xmas' blackmail, but at least on a day to day basis it is relatively OK.

Boredofthinkingofnewnames Mon 14-Dec-15 14:24:18

I don't think you do need to know and you sound quite mercenary. You want to go NC but want to know where the money is?!

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Mon 14-Dec-15 14:43:51

Well in all honestly it never crossed my mind to ask for my dads will or bank account details even when I knew he was dying.

Your parents are right thag it's their business and I don't think it's usual to share contents of a will before they die.

You have to trust that they will leave enough details,of what you need to know. My dad did make a folder with bank account details, etc but I didn't get to see it until after he died. If they don't then they don't but you can't make them,

You've asked them, they've said no. You need to leave it whether you agree with it or not.

OurBlanche Mon 14-Dec-15 14:52:16

Wow! It wouldn't cross my mind to demand such information from my parents - also in Spain.

They have mentioned where they keep their paperwork, but that is it. If they had not mentioned it I would just have had to do what most people expect to do when their parents die, look for information and hope it was easy to find.

Roussette Mon 14-Dec-15 15:23:47

If my adult DCs asked in the way you put across, I would be saying "why do you want to know" too. You sound very cold and business like. When you get a bit older like me you will have a very different outlook I can tell you. It's rude and unnecessary to demand their bank account numbers, copies of their wills etc. Maybe they have left a document somewhere prominent that you will find that details everything you need to know?

It sounds to me that all you want to do is find it if they have bypassed you and just passed on to your DCs and good on them for not divulging the contents of their will to you whilst they are alive. Very bad manners and unpleasant for you to be like this.

I am free and easy with financial information to my DCs but that's because they really aren't interested.

fugley Mon 14-Dec-15 16:36:25

I appreciate the advice and will take it on board and act on it.

The reason I asked is that it was eating me up inside, as I do not think like that. Someone mentioned being free and easy with info - that is how I am. All our household finances are on a document along with wills in the safe for the kids or each other to find. I do not understand the secrecy. I also do not trust that the documents will be left somewhere prominent, I suppose I think they are not organised or will be deliberately evasive, as they are always fighting with each other over money too, they are bitter due to a marriage full of issues.

The people who say they have faith in their parents doing the right thing - I do not have this faith in them and my dad is showing signs of losing his marbles.

I feel as though I have had to keep asking and it makes me look 'interested' in the money - however I am not wanting it now, I am wanting to be able to find the trail at the necessary time.

I will have to trust it will all be ok, maybe I am being too pessimistic.

It is funny how so many people think I am mercenary, to me it makes perfect sense to list everything and have peace of mind. But ok I hear you thanks, it has helped me. I have decided not to as them again and to keep my fingers crossed.

OurBlanche Mon 14-Dec-15 16:41:51

You are going to have to let this go.

The people who say they have faith in their parents doing the right thing - I do not have this faith in them and my dad is showing signs of losing his marbles. Whatever they do with their money, their paperwork will be the right thing for them.

Your way makes sense to you, but you cannot enforce that upon anyone else. The responses you got here give you an idea of why your parents are ignoring your requests for this information. You do indeed sound controlling and mercenary.

You don't have to trust it will all work out OK, you need to forget it. At this moment and until both your parents are deceased or become legally incapable, it is none of your business.

I hope you can relax and let it go.

Duckdeamon Mon 14-Dec-15 16:47:20

Agree with PPs that you should leave it.

Do they have proper arrangements in place for health and social care should one or both of them need this where they are?

willowcatkin111 Mon 14-Dec-15 17:16:23

I understand fugley - it can be so hard if things are not organised. My DMIL learnt that when PIL became ill (early onset dementia), so when she did everything had been set up ready and BIL knew what to do etc. Having seen both sides I know which is better for the family ...

AyeAmarok Mon 14-Dec-15 18:21:27

Quite frankly, what they do with their money, or plan to do with it after they die is absolutely none of your business.

You are threatening to go NC with them but also want their account details! No wonder they're saying it's none of your business.

If you grew up among arguments about money, then maybe that's why you are behaving inappropriately about it - but inappropriate you are. Step back. Forget about the money, don't plan on getting anything.

sugar21 Mon 14-Dec-15 18:28:57

Christ in a bucket you want no contact but you want your Parents money.
Serves you right if they leave it all to charity

RudeElf Mon 14-Dec-15 18:33:54

What do you mean by "do the right thing"?

RandomMess Mon 14-Dec-15 18:36:19

The good news is that their estate can pay for a specialist solicitor to sort it out so stop concerning yourself about it.

Even if you are named as executor you can hand it over to professional and let them get on with it.

Piratespoo Mon 14-Dec-15 18:43:49

Why do you want to know their bank details. What has it got to do with you? Wow, I wouldn't tell you either! They might be planning to leave all their money to the local dogs home and if I were them, I would! It isn't your right to get it, you know?!

Out2pasture Mon 14-Dec-15 19:01:58

I'm sorry, but have to agree although it is useful information they will provide you with it in due time.
please don't confront them too much about their eventual demise, we all face death in different ways but certainly don't want a weekly reminder.
why not go with the flow and just do the small talk, with little chats about nothing on a regular basis (think weekly) you might be surprised what you can pick up on.

fugley Mon 14-Dec-15 19:16:37

actually I do not think it would be left to a dogs home! And yes I would be miffed it it was, and do not agree with spiteful people that do that to their kids. Maybe if their kids were bad to them, perhaps, but I am a good daughter, Ive always helped them with whatever they needed without question, I gave them a semblance of a happy family through access to my own life and the grandkids, if it was not for me they would have been stuck in their void of misery with each other. My kids were exposed to their arguing, but I always hoped their good side would counteract the nasty. So no, it would not be justified! - but that is just a bit of a sad, mean sentiment by that poster anyway.....

no it really is just an organisation issue. If they had agreed, then I would have popped the info in the safe and never looked at it again - really.

maybe I am a glass half empty person, but I always worry about things that can go wrong.

I agree with you guys usually it works out in the end and that if your consensus is that I was wrong, then I accept it - it is why I asked.

I did see a couple of estates that went wrong due to hiding assets abroad, differently to my parents, but I think that has stuck in my mind, if it had been UK I probably would have been less concerned, the system is more familiar and I suppose I trust it more.

Someone asked about their health care, yes they are registered with the local NHS there, and they have options for private care if and when needed by an agency there.

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