Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Getting help for partner

(10 Posts)
bulbutron Mon 14-Dec-15 09:22:27

Name changed for this.

I've made an appointment with my partner's gp to talk about his mental health. He's been depressed for years and now I think he's on the way to a breakdown.

I plan to tell the gp this, then tell my partner I've seen his GP. He won't mind, but he won't go the dr himself.

My question - has anyone else ever done this and what realistically can the GP do?
We have a new baby and i'm concerned this will be fobbed of as pnd. It's not.

bulbutron Mon 14-Dec-15 21:10:48


TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Tue 15-Dec-15 00:01:30

Can you talk to his GP without him?

AnotherEmma Tue 15-Dec-15 00:05:56

There is literally nothing your husband's GP can do about it if you go without him. In his position I would be annoyed with you for doing behind my back. If you're worried about him why can't you tell him that? Can't you encourage him to go to the GP himself, offer to go with him?

I really don't know what you're trying to achieve by going yourself. You must be desperate? Have you tried anything else?

azimazi Tue 15-Dec-15 00:12:05

i had a real issue getting my ex to the gp with his mental health issues (we had a new baby at the time as well and it was hellish). I nearly went under myself due to his behaviour and refusal to seek help.

it's really difficult but the only thing that worked was ultimatums e.g. you're ill and you need to see a GP, if you don't then you can't see DS...

i'm not sure how different your situation is, but mine was really tricky and he pulled a lot of abusive stuff on me, disguised as his MH issues. I had to step past this and eventually got him to go, he's much better these days (but still not perfect). But it did improve, and only when he sought help.

Just beware that he doesn't bring you down as well, with a new baby it is so hard anyway and it's irresponsible of him not to seek the help he needs as the fall back impact on you and your child can be just as difficult to bear / hard as he is going through.

But yes as far as I am aware, you can't speak to his GP without him being present. The other option is to seek counselling and support for yourself, as it might empower you to find a different way through this. Sounds like you need some support your end so don't hesitate to try to get it - it may help you way beyond what you think at this time.

bulbutron Tue 15-Dec-15 10:05:53

His GP will see me without him present. I'm not expecting his GP to tell me anything or take any action.
I think I want to let the GP know, ask if there are potential ways they can help, then talk to my partner about what the GP said, to show him things can be done. I guess drugs or counselling at best, a GP appointment and being signed off work at the least.
My partner knows he:s not right, and he knows i'm worried. I've been asking him for a long timr to see someone but he doesn't want to. He thinks be should just put up with feeling shit.

Now, after the wprld's worst 18 months which could have killed both
of us he is talking a bit more and has considered, one, going to the go.
Ultimatums and not letting him be involved with the baby are the worst things I could do.

bulbutron Tue 15-Dec-15 10:06:15

GP, not go

SilverdaleGlen Tue 15-Dec-15 10:20:51

I have experience. I just had the worst year of my life, I also have an 18mo. Used to post under another nn but DH came on and read everything, all my support which went down like a lead balloon.

Anyway, he had a breakdown, still has severe depression, I did speak to his GP he could do nothing but sympathise, listen to me and let me offload. Your GP can't give you a cure at the most they can tell you how available MH support eg therapy is in your area (it's shit where we are). That's it. But still go because it sounds like you need somewhere to talk.

My DH eventually went to GP but won't take the tablets. He went to therapy for a while which helped but that ran out. He seems to be getting more stable but it's been a year of destructive behaviour and me trying everything to make him well/get him help.

So from this point if experience. Just STOP. You can't help him. You can listen and reassure him you're there, you're his home but THAT'S IT.

I went down that rabbit hole and you end up destroying your own mental health and the time and wellness you need for your children. And for nothing you cannot force others to change, you can't force them to get help, you have no control. And you going down the hole will ultimately just make him worse.

I left eventually, encouraged by family and MN and DH himself. We are hopeful we will be together soon but it was the right decision at the time. Look after your family and hold the ship steady for when he is well.

The only caveat to that is if you think he reaches the stage he is a danger to himself or others, then call the police. I had to once when I believed he was suicidal

It's shit but it gets better. Hold on x

bulbutron Tue 15-Dec-15 10:40:02

He's not destructive, really. Well sometimes I'm scared he'll go out and lamp someone. He's does get very angry but he is not a danger to us.

I know I can't be his support. He just never thinks anything cam help or will change.

I have had depression so this whole arena isn't new to me.

SilverdaleGlen Tue 15-Dec-15 16:17:51

DH is never destructive in a violent way, I'm not scared of him. It's more emotionally he's so up and down and angry that you become dragged with it if you try to be the only support and they won't get help. He is financially in a mess / destructive with work. Dissapearing for hours etc. That kind of destructive to normal stable family life.

I sympathise it's so hard and heartbreaking.

Having said that he knows it and doesn't want to be that way. They trap themselves in a corner sad

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: