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Feel dead inside

(15 Posts)
tuffgingernut Sun 13-Dec-15 18:20:48

Just that really, feel so empty and emotionless. I have pnd, I'm on medication and have been for several months. I've had cbt for long term anxiety too. I'm over eating and hate myself for it but don't care enough to get back to my usual healthy self. Even making a drink feels difficult today. Can't wait to get the children to bed, take a sleeping tablet and escape from myself for a while. Not sure what advice I'm asking for, just wanted to vent really. Just feel so flat.

WorriedWoman1234 Sun 13-Dec-15 20:07:42

Oh Tuff I feel for you - I know only too well that "feeling dead inside" and the flat empty feeling that can't really be explained to people who are fortunate enough not to suffer from MH issues. Don't worry about your diet - plenty of time to fix that in the future. How many children do you have. I know so many young mums struggle with depression and I just don't know how you do it - suppose because you have to. I'm a grandmother so no LOs to look after. I am working my way through the entire pharmaceutical "remedies" with little success.

Do you think it's worth changing meds or upping the dose.

I understand how making a drink is an effort. There will be brighter times ahead.

AnxiousAlice Mon 14-Dec-15 12:33:32

I'm with you Tuff, I'm suffering depression again - have done on n off for 11 years. I feel like I'm on the outside of life looking in, I want to feel happy and be enjoying life but I feel empty. I feel even sadder when I catch myself in a situation, like playing with my daughter, that I should be enjoying and realise I'm just going through the motions. My medication has just been increased and I have a MH assessment later this week, I'm off work n I feel like a failure at life. I hop things get better for you soon xxx

willowcatkin111 Mon 14-Dec-15 14:18:39

Cannot help, but do sympathise. Feel like just getting in the car and driving till I run out of petrol ...

tuffgingernut Mon 14-Dec-15 22:31:43

Thank you for your replies. I have 3 dc and have recently returned to work, part time, after maternity leave. I feel like this is a catalyst for how I feel right now. I need to see my gp soon for a review so I'll have a chat about medication. I'm reluctant to change anything as I had a difficult first few weeks on AD's and was severely suicidal. The tablets make me twitch terribly so increasing the dose worries me. I'm so sorry that so many others know how dark this situation feels and I thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

tuffgingernut Mon 14-Dec-15 22:34:38

Willowcatkin11 I often have a similar day dream, it's cruel. I know deep down that my dc would miss me and that stops me for now. Have you anyone in real life to talk to?

tuffgingernut Mon 14-Dec-15 22:39:38

Alice. Good luck with your assessment, please do let us know how you get on. You are not a failure. Like so many of us you are afflicted with a serious medical condition. I sincerely wish you the best. I know how you feel about looking in on your life. My children deserve the best of everything, as they all do, I have let them down.

AnxiousAlice Tue 15-Dec-15 08:34:17

Tuff. I have just increased my meds and like you it makes me twitch, my jaw locks with tension and I feel like I want to rip my skin off - sorry not a nice image sad I know it will pass but its hard to see past the end of the day. My DH has just begun to acknowledge that I have relapsed, his hugs are helping. I am sure you give your children the best you can give, remember they love you unconditionally, you are their world. Lets promise never to give up, I will keep checking in here, can't hurt. Going to try n attach a pic I came across today, it helped x I hope today is a better day for you, do see your GP and explain your worries.

tuffgingernut Tue 15-Dec-15 15:50:01

Hi Alice. That's a great quote, think we all often forget how much we've achieved just by getting where we are today. Sorry to hear you've needed to up your medication, hope the initial side effects wear off soon. I've gone from feeling empty to being very wired today and incredibly anxious which is more like how I'm used to feeling when I'm going through a bad patch. Can I ask, is it Citalopram that you take? I've never had depression before, it began when dc3 was just a few days old, she's 10 months now and I hoped that this would be behind me now, I'm scared that this is going to be a long term part of my life.

AnxiousAlice Wed 16-Dec-15 07:40:31

Morning. I have taken Citalopram in the past but the initial side effects are so horrendous for me I requested something different when this started earlier in the year; So I am on Sertraline and it has been much more gentle with me. Have you been offered any talking therapies? They have helped me in the past, this time I am hoping for some cbt as I need to change my thought processes. I think for me, the reason it has become long term is that I don't look after myself, I push myself to the limits and don't recognise when things are going downhill. I work in the medical profession and forget that if I don't look after myself I can't look after anyone else. I hope today is a good day for you and for me x

AnxiousAlice Fri 18-Dec-15 16:05:30

So its the end of school, half day, so I took DD and the dog down to the stream/river by our house and she played on the makeshift rope swing n the dog had a ball. I did feel more enjoyment this time, but still that sense of emptiness around the edges. I'm going to a xmas 'sleepover' with some friends I trained with tonight, I could so easily just stay at home, I even genuinely have a upset tummy, but that could just be the anxiety or the upping of meds. I had my MH assessment yesterday and I have moderate to severe depression with mild to moderate anxiety - didn't really need telling that! Frustrated that I will now have to wait a further 6-8 weeks for CBT treatment, but its out of my hands. Hope your out there and winning Tuff xx

AnxiousAlice Mon 21-Dec-15 18:21:52

DD is away for a few days n I went to the sleepover on Friday and did have a mostly good time, there were moments where I retreated inside but my friends were so caring and lovely. Drank far to much but had a chance to just be me and be open n honest with how I was doing. It seems to have helped lift my mood and I am looking forward to xmas morning, seeing my beautiful DD open her gifts. I know things will be up n down, but I'm happy to take that.

LittleHag Thu 24-Dec-15 14:29:39

Please, please google Professor John Studd (world renowned expert on hormonal depression, PMS and PND).

His website is a huge eye opener and he talks at length about the difference between clinical depression and hormonal depression. He strongly advocates the use of hormone therapy for PND and PMS etc.

He has been advocating this for years, and the NHS have finally got on board too. The latest NICE guidelines now state that GPs mustn't offer ADs as first level treatment for women suffering with menopausal depression and anxiety. I stead they should offer hormonal therapy.

I suffered dreadfully with PND and spent 3 years on ADs feeling like an empty husk but 'functional'. I eventually recovered and was well for years afterwards.

Then just after my 42nd birthday it started to feel like I had PND again which was bizarre as my 'baby' was now at secondary school! But the panic, depression, anxiety and irrational thoughts were all just the same.

Just have a read of his website and you will probably recognise yourself in the case studies he provides.

Fedup83 Thu 24-Dec-15 21:55:40

I've been here. It's a weird, horrendous feeling. How are you now? Have you had the thing yet where you look in the mirror and it feels like a stranger?

LittleHag Sun 27-Dec-15 12:57:47

When I am feeling bad I avoid looking in a mirror, don't know why as usually I'm quite vain blush

But I really dislike looking at myself when I'm feeling low and anxious.

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