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need hand hold... not coping with past

(14 Posts)
elementofsurprise Sat 12-Dec-15 19:43:42

Don't really want to go into it, but was massively lied to in the past but someone who has significant mental issues themselves, we had a relationship (of months, luckily not longer) then it came out they were lying about everything. They even seemed like a different person, different personality. Now it makes me feel sick, I feel abused that we were together, I feel shamed for falling for it and just eeeuuughhhhhhhhhh and I can't even explain the feeling. I cant deal with that being part of my past, think I've sort of blocked it out but it came back today.

I still know this person, mostly its ok cos they seem gentle and sorry and I view them as a different person to what happened, (they look different, sound different, carry themselves different etc) and objectively we get on really well actually... (I mean, he notices stuff like pointed out the irony when some mutual male friends were dismissing my opinion when talking about sexism!) So we'd probably be good friends if it wast for the horrible sickening past. He is also the only one who's bothered standing up for me while others turn a blind eye.

But he does this thing where he starts to act a bit different when someone else is around (he is clearly chronically lacking in confidence), sort of an act of a person in a way, and it makes my skin crawl and I want to scream... it's so hard to put into words and then he does this kindly voice asking if I need help as I seem stressed.... arghhh... when it is just me and him he can be genuinely helpful and kind when im low though.

God ive written a lot, sorry. Anyway i've just lost it today, I feel sick and disgusting and just cant deal with my past and everything. My flat looks unfamiliar and everything is just covered in a dark horrible atmosphere, everything inside feels sick and dirty and terrified. I have nowhere to turn really, been trying to get myself together a bit so can make new friends as people moved away and other stuff (was already feeling bit distant/different from people), but dont want to talk bout that really just would really like a hand hold and maybe some advice bout dealing with past. I can go to see someone in a bit for a while but not people who are usually around iyswim.

I know i'll be told to get professional help, have been over this in previous thread, I'm in the lost souls lounge too, professionals not an option (they just won't), plus so many traumatising expereinces with them too that sitting in A&E or calling the crisis team is horribly triggering and I just dont have the strength for it right now. Btw I saw the crisis team after this relationship broke up/the truth came out about the lies, and they said "not to worry, we think the relationship is repairable". So wrong on so many levels.

Sorry for the long post, I just need a hand hold really, everything feels frightening and sick

elementofsurprise Sat 12-Dec-15 19:45:41

ps. thing happened few years ago, services cut even more since then.

hefzi Sun 13-Dec-15 22:27:34

Sorry to read this - I know how horrible this can be, and today am dealing with a similar situation. I don't have anything useful to add - but just wanted to give a quick handhold: I don't have advice, but please know you're not alone.

elementofsurprise Mon 14-Dec-15 02:27:27

I'm sorry to hear that hefzi. Thanks for the reply; I did end up posting in chat last night cos got a bit spun out by it all. I hope you manage to find some peace with your own situation; do write more here if you'd like <off to check main MH board in case you've posted>.

FlowersAndShit Mon 14-Dec-15 18:56:08

Hi element, are you feeling any better now?

elementofsurprise Mon 14-Dec-15 23:15:52

Trying not to think about it tbh... keeping busy. How are you getting on?

FlowersAndShit Mon 14-Dec-15 23:42:45

I always find keeping busy and distraction helps. I haven't been feeling great lately, going to the support group again on friday.

hefzi Tue 15-Dec-15 13:34:36

Bless you element - you sweetie! No - I just had a massive crying jag until I threw up (always works to stop the crying, for some reason) and then went to bed!

How are you doing today? And how are you, Flowers? Being busy helps a lot, I agree - too much time to think is always dangerous!

elementofsurprise Wed 16-Dec-15 02:26:06

Posting in the middle of the night, being a night owl again...
I'm just trying not to think tbh. I know I can't keep this up indefinitey, am likely to have a big crash after Xmas when things slow down. Haven't spent any time with anyone for three days which is my record sad. Have done a shitload of shopping though... (presents and necessities.)
Seeing a friend I've not seen for ages tomorrow - that'll be nice.

What's the support group, flowers? A MH one? I need to get my GP to sign a form then I'm maybe allowed to join a MIND group... if there is one (they won't say what groups there are until I have form signed!) Bit worried I'm seen as too much of a risky nutter and he won't sign it...
Btw any news on your cat?

hefzi bed is good. Throwing up isn't. Take care flowers report back if it helps x

hefzi Wed 16-Dec-15 11:48:17

Hope you're having a lovely time with your friend, elements - and well done on the shopping! I did nearly all of mine online: the postman has been cursing the last few days grin: I hate being surrounded by people, though - it really sets my teeth on edge, so it's the lesser of two evils really.

Thanks so much for the flowers - back at you: and keep hanging in there! It's always a worry, though, after a busy time - you know you are going to drop your guard for a moment and then get ambushed. Remember, though - MN is always there: and it sounds like a MIND group would be good (seriously - they won't tell you if there's a group in your area without the form?!) - it's nice sometimes to be with people who understand without you having to explain (and it can often sound a bit mad to someone without MH issues - well, I mean, I know I'm a bit mad, obviously, but I don't always want to go into the ins and outs, and explain that yes, I am aware this is unreasonable etc etc). There's none in my area - but I'd be bloody cross if I'd had to get a form signed to find that out!

Have a great time today - flowers to you and flowers

FlowersAndShit Wed 16-Dec-15 15:40:50

Thanks hefzi I'm feeling better today. I've just wrapped some presents and decorated my little gingerbread house.

element I hope you feel better soon flowers. It's an anxiety support group - we meet once a fortnight for coffee and cake. The women there are so nice. Good luck with the MIND groups!

elementofsurprise Wed 16-Dec-15 18:15:02

There's no MIND groups in my area either. I hae to go to the next town - they're not even sure if that's allowed but said it should be as the one here closed.
My friend didn't come. I can't stop crying. She also informed me she's moving abroad for 8 months next year.
I feel so alone, I can't keep this up anymore. I haven't had a conversation with anyone/spent time with anyone for four days now. I can't bear it, I lost my last vague group of friends one by one and finally it all drifted apart cos one I thought I coud trust got a partner and turned into a wanker who dropped everyone instantly.

FlowersAndShit Wed 16-Dec-15 22:34:21

Hugs element Do you ever see family? My mum and I are pretty close and she always checks in on me as she's all I have really.

elementofsurprise Thu 17-Dec-15 03:40:23

Rarely. Not close - left at 18. Don't live close either. Going to see them next week - I get on well with one sibling.

Just keep remembering horrible events sad
I can't believe my life.

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