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I cried so much today ......

(20 Posts)
Acatcalledfluffy Sun 06-Dec-15 23:25:30

Had a meltdown and cried so much I look like I've got 2 black eyes. Its just as well I'm not at work or I would have had to admit my problems with anxiety or make up a lie. I know its wrong but that's how I feel. Don't want to be pitied and I don't want to bring everyone down as well.

I think I'm at the point where I have no alternative but to seek help. I do not want to go on meds as I can't bear the thought of feeling any worse to start with and also side effects. I've been meds a few times before but not sure if they helped tbh. So I have been looking at therapists where I live. I have to do it coz I can't go on like this. I hope I have the courage to take the first step and book an appointment or get myself to the docs for some meds.

I wish there was something gentle out there that did the job quickly and with no other effects. That's what we all want I expect and I don't know what I am rambling on about so sorry. Felt like sharing blush

FlowersAndShit Mon 07-Dec-15 09:25:36

Hi there, please make an appointment with your gp because you don't have to feel this way. I'm on Sertraline and have found it to be pretty good, although my gp gave me some short term diazepam to lessen the side effects of starting new meds. Maybe that is something you could discuss with your gp?

Make yourself a nice cuppa and be kind to yourself flowers

GetSchwifty Mon 07-Dec-15 10:34:05

I just wanted to say you're not alone. I have cried today as my anxiety is so awful. Please see your gp, it's a starting point and could really help. Have you contacted mind to see what they could offer you?

Acatcalledfluffy Mon 07-Dec-15 12:47:17

Thanks. I really need to do something coz I can't go on like this. I am so scared of feeling any worse to start with and that's what is putting me off and part of me still thinks I should be able to sort this out on my own.

I've just started taking 5htp. Yet another one on my list of natural/herbal remedies. I think I am just kidding myself sad

I feel so pathetic.

CrushedVelvet Mon 07-Dec-15 13:01:00

Sorry you feel so down. Do go to your GP for advice/help. Not all antidepressants give side effects to all people. I personally found prozac to be brilliant, no initial problems at all, only side effect slight tiredness, but not a big deal and a heck of a lot better than how I was before!

Hedgehoginthegarden Mon 07-Dec-15 13:46:35

Yes. We rarely get to hear from people who have minimal side effects from antidepressants, just the ones who do.

I'm another one who shies away from medication etc and I've spent a fortune in the past on alternative stuff. None of it has worked but I keep trying in the hope that something might.

I need to go to the go myself but I'm putting it off.

Hope you are feeling a bit better now.

NanaNina Mon 07-Dec-15 13:50:37

Look acat you are saying the things that we all say (or I certainly do) about being pathetic, thinking there should be something you could do to sort it out, not wanting to admit what's wrong. This is why mental illness is a deceitful illness because it makes us think things about ourselves that aren't true - it's another symptom of mental illness. We don't feel these things if we are physically ill.

Is it mostly anxiety or do you get depressed too. I think if you know the underlying cause, therapy can be very helpful, but it might be available on the NHS. Do you have children/partner/husband or someone in RL who can support you. I agree that you need to see the GP - I know drugs have side effects but could anything be worse than how you feel now?

I have recurring depressive disorder and it ebbs and flows but never goes away. Mental illness is a torment for sure.

Acatcalledfluffy Mon 07-Dec-15 14:45:54

Hi Nana. Its mostly anxiety but after a while it does make you depressed too. I dont know what the underlying cause is. It all seems to be wrapped around DD at the moment. I've had quite a year with her but tbh nothing more than any other teen puts you through. I just posted on the health bit about her fainting and breaking a tooth and that was what my major meltdown was about yesterday. It seems as if when she is happy and lovely etc then I am happy.

But if I wasnt stressing about her it would be about something else for sure. I used to have a lot of health anxiety for many years but that has passed now and I just worry about other things. And its not just worry, it becomes like an obsession where I start being anxious about something and then I can not get it out of my mind. I know its not normal.

I dont have anyone in RL that I talk to about all this. DH had enough of me stressing about health matters over the years so I dont really like to bother him about it too much. Unless I explode, like I did yesterday and it all comes spilling out. He has suffered mental health issues himself, however, and is quite understanding, although has not got any solutions. He just gets on with things and uses distraction to cope and he also does not get wound up about stupid things like I do.

I have not told anyone at work about my problems either. Although they would all be lovely about it, I just dont want to be pitied and bring things down as its quite a happy place to work.

Its true that I shouldnt be ashamed about any of this but I just am. But I also realise that I do need help and have to have the courage to ask for it. It helps even writing this down and having someone read it.

NanaNina Mon 07-Dec-15 19:52:19

Have you thought you might have OCD - just wondered

Acatcalledfluffy Mon 07-Dec-15 20:22:22

Yes. That has crossed my mind Nana. Thats very interesting that you should mention that.

I know I dont have OCD in the sense that I have everything just so and all that. I'm not the tidiest person and dont have routines etc but certainly my thoughts could be classed as obsessive. What can be done about that then? Is it treated in the same way as anxiety/depression with medication and counselling?

NanaNina Tue 08-Dec-15 00:32:57

It was just you talking about spiralling negative thoughts that made me think of OCD, and like anything there are degrees of the condition - I don't know a great deal about it to be honest. I think sometimes it can be intrusive thoughts rather than being obsessive about tidiness or having rituals. I think the treatment is probably CBT (which you should be able to get on the NHS) - it's learning a way of replacing negative thoughts with more balanced ones. Have a look on the MIND website for more info.

moopymoodle Tue 08-Dec-15 10:28:58

There really are lots of brilliant therapies for anxiety. My favourite Is acceptance and commitment therapy mixed with exposure exercises. Be kind to yourself, plenty of people suffer and go on to recover. It's hard not to judge yourself when anxious but the truth is its nothing to feel ashamed of. Most people at one point or another have suffered mental illness.

Acatcalledfluffy Wed 09-Dec-15 15:44:46

I feel a lot better today but just wanted to say I have finally taken a step towards sorting this out. I have self referred to local nhs for cbt. Have a telephone assessment tomorrow to see if I am suitable then we will take it from there. If not I will see about paying privately for sessions.

I am a bit proud of myself for doing this and hope I can hold things together during the call. Any tips anyone? I really dont want to cry down the phone.

moopymoodle Wed 09-Dec-15 20:54:11

It's ok if you cry. I think most people do whwn they get help! I did smile

Acatcalledfluffy Fri 11-Dec-15 19:09:44

Do you think its a good idea to tell dd that I am going for therapy? She knows I have a problem with anxiety but not sure whether to tell her. I don't think she will be upset or anything.

moopymoodle Sat 12-Dec-15 13:41:59

I think it would be a good idea yes. You would tell her if you was going to doctors for a chest infection so telling her your going to have therapy is positive. It will teach her that it's ok to ask for help smile

moopymoodle Sat 12-Dec-15 13:43:54

Also OP whiles your waiting for therapy check out the mood gym online. It's free cognative behaviour therapy and very useful, it really helped me to allow mt thoughts and feelings but step back from them and not fight them. That helped them to taper off

Acatcalledfluffy Sat 12-Dec-15 16:36:03

Thank you moopy. She knows I get anxious so I suppose it will be good that she sees I am doing something about it.

I have done the mood gym thing online already. I found it a bit hard to apply it to myself but it was worth a look.

I have received my work book from the nhs to read before I start treatment. I am getting telephone guided self help to start with and then later if necessary (which I think it is) I may be able to have face to face cbt. Ive skimmed through the book and tbh there is nothing in there that I dont know already. I have well researched things in the past, but I am hoping that with help from someone else I will be able to engage with it and successfully carry it out.

The poor old nhs really struggles with mental health and is very under funded so I am grateful that this is available as a first step.

moopymoodle Sat 12-Dec-15 19:52:52

I knew what I had to do with anxiety for a long time yet struggled to impliment it. Sometimes we just need fresh perspective and things start clicking. It took me 8 years of reading about anxiety but the methods never sank in, but once I recognised why and how I made myself anxious I finally started to impliment floating through it and I started to recognise anxiety for what it was. A bluff. So keep at it you will learn ways to face it smile

Acatcalledfluffy Sat 12-Dec-15 20:32:56

Thanks. I am just so sick of thinking "what if" and being scared of uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty and I want to accept it and just be content. Deal with things when they happen and not imagine the worst. Same as everyone I guess. Its time to try and sort it out.

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