Depressed???

[DenTow]

Have just joined Mumsnet to seek advice thinking I may be mildly depressed but after reading some of the experiences others are having now thinking how dare I!
Took the NhS test that said I probably am but my reasons are nothing compared to others on here, i know it's all relative but ....I can't even really explain why. I think I'm probably peri-menopausal and for the first time ever i'm not looking forward to Xmas. I am separated from my husband tho am in constant contact as we have a son and live in the same village. I am sick of the contact but my son needs it. He is adopted at age 13 months, we separated when he was 2, but suddenly, i suppose now he can articulate it, he has proper melt downs about me and his dad splitting up and that he is always missing someone and why can't we all live in one house. It breaks my heart, i feel like such a failure and all i want to to do is tell his dad to fuck off. They, my son and ex have a great relationship and he is full on good dad. We do week on week off which I hate and is probably too long for ds but is probably going to be more unsettling to change again now. But means this year i have ds for xmas week and complete control of what we do and i have included his dad in all of it when i would rather he wasn't around as he is an emotional bully to me and expects me to still sort everything for him which i fucking am, but how can i let my son down and not have his dad around for xmas for the first time ever, i'm not strong enough and hate myself for it. it's also ds birthday on saturday, i've done everything and again dad totally involved on my instigation. My sister has given me a lecture on how to behave at xmas, i.e. no answering back to ex shitty comments. We are usually good friends but she is so concerned at everything been happy cos her own relationship is shit she would hate the thin veneer to crack. I have lost contact with several friends due to being a single parent, working and being at college. i feel like if i don't keep things going no-one else will but no-one really cares anyway.

God this is such a self pitying whinge but i am in tears feeling like i have fucked everything up and as soon as things start to go well they just fuck up again. I am exhausted and should be writing an essay