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well done social anxiety, you win again

(5 Posts)
tellmeofthetime Fri 04-Dec-15 18:57:25

Sat in my pjs instead of being at the work Xmas do, wishing I'd gone. Wishing I was capable of walking into a noisy restaurant dressed up in my festive best, greeting people, getting a drink, chatting, sitting down to a meal and just enjoying it. Instead I had about four hours sleep last night while my mind raced round the arrangements, feeling like getting to a 5.30pm hair appt would be impossible, that choosing something to squeeze my fat body into would make me sweat and my heart race, even though I have three possible dresses hung up, shoes and tights ready. Anticipating putting my make up on over the sweat trickling down my face, trying to cover the blotchy rash spreading from my neck and despising my triple chin. Remembering that I need to get cash out and put a taxi number in my phone, then becoming acutely undecided whether to drive there and not drink, even though I need to get wine down very fast in order to settle a bit, but then wonder if people are thinking I drink too much.
So I make the decision not to go. I cancel the hair appt, I text the organiser and say I can't make it, she replies hoping I am OK, I don't reply.
It feels better. A massive relief. Then as the day goes on, the beating myself up begins. What's wrong with you, you might have enjoyed it, a lovely meal put in front of you, you made it last time and you did OK, why didn't you try your betablockers again, why don't you book the CBT you've been referred for. What will people think...

StormBraver Fri 04-Dec-15 19:12:37

Sorry you weren't able to go. Be kind to yourself. thanks
Social anxiety is horrible. Do any of your work mates know that you suffer from anxiety? I am sure they will understand either way.

tellmeofthetime Fri 04-Dec-15 19:20:31

I had five months off work last year but was quite new to the team so it was said I was off with 'stress'. I've taken early retirement now, and two weeks in I still haven't managed to pop in with a thank you card and sweets for my leaving present, so in my mind they'll just think I'm ignorant and ungrateful and that not showing up tonight means I'm glad to be gone.

StormBraver Fri 04-Dec-15 19:59:46

Two weeks is not long at all! I'm sure they won't be thinking that, but I totally understand worrying about what others will think of you, I do it too. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your evening, don't know what the weather is like with you but it's pretty wild here, so you're better off being in and cosy. brew wine

tellmeofthetime Fri 04-Dec-15 20:45:31

It's just me and the dogs ! I've made myself a nice supper and am on my second glass of wine. I'm planning on taking them out for a quick wee at half nine then getting an early night. I find anxiety exhausting, on top of little sleep last night, and I've looked after my two little grandchildren for nine hours today ! Thank you for replying.

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