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Where do I go from here?(2 Posts)
I don't know where to start. Every so often I lose it totally. It had been about 10 months since the last time until last night. I just totally lost it and had a complete meltdown.
This time I knew it was coming and documented my moods/symptoms. It started with insomnia for much of October and the first half of November. I couldn't really be bothered to do anything then either. Then that stopped and my sleep went back to normal but I became angry at everyone and everything. I was so, so snappy and was perceiving every slight as much worse than it was. I was convinced everyone hated me.
At the same time as the anger I felt worthless. My anxiety was through the roof. On a night out I sat in silence for large chunks of the night because I felt so totally worthless. The day after that I felt so, so guilty and even more worthless. All of that lasted until 24/11 when I felt a change (I kept notes the past week or so). Then came even worse anxiety but with it a lot of productivity - I actually got stuff done at work, which I hadn't for ages! I was having all sorts of great work ideas and following through on them. Then I started having racing thoughts and feeling frustrated. I was chatty and excitable. I described it to my husband that it felt like I had taken some sort of class A drug - I was so excitable and euphoric. All of this terrified me as I when this happens it eventually leads to a meltdown.
Last night it came. I had a meltdown. I had get agitated and restless in the day time. My husband suggested we went for dinner. We did and then had a couple of drinks after. But we bickered about stupid things. Then I became nasty. I didn't mean to but I did. It felt like my head was malfunctioning and I lashed out verbally at him. Then I got home and had a meltdown. It was worse than its been before. I cried and shouted and threw things (my phone, my glasses) on the floor. I physically hurt myself when I get like this. I hit myself. I'm scared of leaving bruises and that people will think it's my DH who has done it. He has never and would never hurt me in my life.
It ended. We went to bed. I woke up at 6.30 feeling awfully guilty about everything I had said and just cried. My DH is still sleeping but woke up and hugged me.
I'm a bad person. I've hurt the person who I love most in the world. I had felt so well for most of this year and thought I could control this, whatever it is. We were going to start a family. We can't while I'm like this.
I feel totally lost now. These meltdowns sort of reset me. I reset then I'm ok for a while but it must feel like a time bomb for my DH.
I need to go back to the doctors don't i? I have been on sertraline before and should have been referred for CBT but the referral never happened.
I feel so lost, bewildered and embarrassed this morning. Most of all I feel complete sadness that I've hurt the person I love most in this world and don't know why he would want to be with me anymore. I don't even want to be with myself!
Sorry this is so long.
I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment: you're not a bad person, though - you're ill.
Please go back to your GP, and also push for the CBT referral - you deserve the help you need to get better.
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