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Please help

(14 Posts)
Pleasehelpmee Wed 25-Nov-15 15:27:55

I have NC for this.

I have a 5 month old DS who has reflux and high needs. No matter how hard I try I cannot get him into any day time routine so we just stay indoors all day. I hate taking him anywhere as I don't know what to expect or when which normally results in a meltdown from him then eventually, me.

I'm pretty sure I have PND but my doctors are absolutely useless so I've just got by and dealt with things the best I can.

I have just found out that I am 4 weeks pregnant. Motherhood has not come naturally to me and to be honest, I don't enjoy it and crave my old life back so a new baby is not what I want.

Everyone seems excited about our news except for me, I know I am the one who has to do all the hard work. They know I struggle with DS but don't offer any help or support which I know I will need a lot of with 2! DP is good and does his best to help and support me but he is working all hours to keep a roof over our heads.

Every time I think of an abortion, I just cry. I really don't think I could go through with it.

I don't want to be a mum anymore full stop.

Pleasehelpmee Wed 25-Nov-15 15:30:24

I just want to move away and leave everyone behind. All I do is bring people down. I should never have had DS. He never asked to be brought into all this.

MrsLeighHalfpenny Wed 25-Nov-15 15:38:35

Firstly, I have never known any 5 month olds who are really in a routine. The baby will fit with your routine.

Secondly, I would devise yourself a routine to get out at least once a day, even if it's only pushing the pram to the shop and back. If you always go out at, say, 11am, this will start a routine for him. You could also have a set bath and bed time every night (even if you know he'll wake up again). It takes a while, but worth perservering.

I'd try to go to a playgroup of some sort a couple of times a week, or meet other mums for a coffee, invite people to yours etc. This will again help to get a routine going and also make sure DS is tired enough for a really good sleep. You'll also get some support and encouragement with your parenting skills from people you meet- though you're probably better at it than you think you are.

Most of us just muddle along really - don't believe all the stories you hear about babies in routines etc.

Pleasehelpmee Wed 25-Nov-15 15:47:44

All of my friends/family with a babies of a similar age have good feeding and sleeping patterns. Nothing j try works. Bedtime routine is good however.

Whenever I take DS anywhere he just screams and we end up leaving. Friends have stopped inviting us to things. I tried going to local groups but they are all full.

I just don't want this anymore. I'm a crap mum. DS deserves better.

strawberryandaflake Wed 25-Nov-15 15:51:17

You're not crap, you've had a big change. Don't beat yourself up. You could have PND as you say, and with new baby hormones too! You're doing fine. Do you have a health visitor? You just need a break and that's perfectly understandable. Make sure you get your vitamin D as well, this time of year is so bad for SAD sufferers. Most people don't even realise they have it.
Perhaps you could get some time away somewhere? Seaside for the day? Fresh air and new sights? Xx

tuilamum Wed 25-Nov-15 15:57:06

How are you a crap mum? If you were a crap mum you wouldn't care if your DS was screaming. I thought this for a while but it does get better I promise. If he doesn't like the pram could you try a sling? Or if you drive you could take him for a ride as that calms most babies.
Have you been to the doctors about the reflux? The first doctor I saw was a bit crap and just said "they grow out of it" but the next one I saw was great and now I get infant Gaviscon on prescription and its worked wonders on DD, she's like a different baby.
Keep pushing to talk to a therapist/councillor or someone more qualified in mental health.
I promise you you're a great mum, I know how hard it is but you are definitely good enough for your son and he loves you more than anyone in the world.

Pleasehelpmee Wed 25-Nov-15 16:03:48

I've left him crying and shouted at him today. He would be better off without me.

Pleasehelpmee Wed 25-Nov-15 16:06:54

I am disgusted at myself and my temper

strawberryandaflake Wed 25-Nov-15 16:07:43

No he wouldn't. Never tell yourself that. Babies usually cry when they're tired, wet or hungry. If he is none of those he's either just wanting a cuddle or he's teething.

Sometimes you need to walk away for your sanity. Don't shout at him though, remember he doesn't understand yet, he's too tiny.

It's ok to take ten and come back to him. X

tuilamum Wed 25-Nov-15 17:37:02

I've thrown my daughters dummy across the sofa before, I felt awful but that's a sign that you need a break. Take 5 minutes. Google soothing techniques if you're really stuck. I recommend BellyBelly facebook page/website. They're based in Australia but I find their articles really helpful and reassuring, especially about baby sleep.

Pitapotamus Wed 25-Nov-15 17:56:18

reflux is really difficult, particularly if it means they cry constantly. I found going for a walk every day helped. Also, I used to put my ds in a sling and stand and sway in the living room in front of a box set on TV - good escapism and a break from the boredom of your own company. It's just about survival until that phase passes!

Pleasehelpmee Wed 25-Nov-15 17:58:53

I've thrown his dummy too.

I'be tried everything with him from day one but nothing seems to make him happy.

I love him but I don't have any bond with him. I feel awful that he sits there and watches me cry and looks so confused.

As much as it hurts me to say, I think he would be happier and better off with another family.
DP is taking me to the Drs tomorrow, I'm not sure what they will do as they have been pretty unhelpful up to now.

HV is coming on Monday. I need to make sure that DP is there too as I have every intention of telling her how things are but back out and pretend everything is okay when she arrives.

Candlefairy101 Wed 25-Nov-15 18:09:14

Hi OP I suffer from severe depression, I have a 5 year old, a 15month old and I'm currently pooping myself because I'm 6 months pregnant and have no idea how I'm going to cope.

Today I'm having a good day and I know I will cope and love it but yesterday I felt like running away. It is not you that thinks 'I'm a terrible mum',' I'll never cope with 2' it's your depression!

The mind is a very very power thing, it will put those nasty comments in your head and make us believe it, so the solution would be to get the depression sorted before your able to sort your daily routine etc. Unless you get help with the depression your constantly be fighting that depression devil in your head.

I take venlafaxine which is safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding, I've already had a healthy baby while on the maximum dosage so I'm not concerned.

I've also started taking vitamin D, vitamin b6 and B12 and I honestly after 2 weeks feel better.

Even if you didn't have depression a lot of people feel sad this time of year so I'm also going to invest in a lumi light which tackles S.A.D.

I know everyone will say to get out everyday but I couldn't even managed to brush my teeth and the more I was told you have to get out the more angry and frustrated I got with myself. I had to get the depression under control before anything else.

Let us know how your getting on OP because of your anything like me a shut myself away x

tuilamum Wed 25-Nov-15 18:15:34

If your health visitor is anything like mine she will back you up with the doctor and help you get a referral, they're there to help you as well as the baby.
You are not alone in feeling this way, lots of women have felt like you, it doesn't make them bad mothers and it doesn't make you a bad mother.
Having a baby is hard, having a baby that won't settle is beyond hard. Have you tried singing to him? My LO likes the sound of the tap running... Sometimes its ok to think outside the box.
I know its tough but hang in there and you'll be surprised at how well you can cope when you don't have these intrusive thoughts all the time smile

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