very ill and nowhere to turn, everyone hates me

[elementofsurprise]

MH team wont help, long history there, they've told GP not to re-refer me. They think/act/tell me i'm a terrible person, they wanted me to put up with abuse and blamed it on me in the past, the want me to be calm and docile in the face of their lies and bullshit. I have nightmares about what they have done in the past, latest horrible memry resurfacing is of when I was homeless and under their team and they told the council not to help me, they said I could sort it out myself. I was 23 btw.

They want me to go away and die. Im 30 now, I cant cope with anything, trying to do a course atm but got v behind cos ill, been unemployed 5 years, cant improve my life at all cos everything pushes me over the edge/is too much energy/cnt cope when depressed. I've tried and tried and want to give up now. there is literally nowhere to turn, dont really have friends I see much. Cant make new ones cos too unwell/can only just manage to feed myself/get up and shower once a day. Actually someone had to help me, cook my tea last week cos too confused/crying to think/cope.

But he is very patronising, he can be very kind but drinks too much and gets argumentative, always mansplaining and stuff, drives me mad(der). Am very alone, must be a shit person. MH team think so too. I would never be so cruel and neglectful as people have been to me, but apparently im fundamentally worthless and cant expect the same treatment others get. Lots of this seems to be or parallel to feminist stuff - i'm expecting to alwys smile, be patient, be kind and caring, please others - but not get it in return.

Can't call anyone, there is no-one. Crisis team, A&E, etc will tell me to call GP. Spoke to GP last week who cant do anything cos no-one will agree to help me. Cant cope. Samaritans will just be depressing. I need real people, real help and support, but its too late for me.

[wuckfit]

OP your post is very concerning I have no idea what to say I am hoping someone comes along who does . Sending positive vibes to you

[elementofsurprise]

I realised a long time ago they wouldn't help me. That didn't stop me having a complete breakdown.

I DO need help. Apart from anything else, who will supply evidence for benefit forms? (My private therapist won't write appropriate letters. Part not understanding what is needed and part refusal.)

I have had to rely on support from someone MNers advised me to stay away from, because there has been no-one else (not abuse.) It's frightening when it reaches the stage of not being able to look after yourself at points.

Plus any attempts to get support, or just anyone seeing how bad things are, means people are constantly trying to get me into services. I can't get help with anything practical, or let the mask slip to anyone, because they just say MH services need to be involved and refuse to accept that services WON'T. I have to be careful no-one calls the police on me out of worry because spending hours in A&E just to get sent away is more than I can cope with.

I did the whole "I dont need thse bastards" thing, but actually it doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make me able to cope with life. I've tried again and again and again for over a decade... and that was after spending my teens depressed and trying desperately to hide it and please everyone. I understand so much more and have had real moments of happiness and some lovely experiences, but on balance the future is not good, and the pain now is so bad. I need love, and you cant just get that, can you?

Also, yeh I see someone privately on money from PIP. But government benefits are unreliable and likely to not exist in future. I can't live.

Also therapy had reached a sort of stalemate - I understand things better, can see clearly, but it's all so desperately sad and hopeless. I no longer have the support I had when I started therapy cos some people didn't like me changing and not being a doormat, plus the friend I could always speak to got a partner and basically dumped all their friends. So I don't have the support outside therapy for therapy to work anymore - i'm basically paying just to have someone to speak to who won't hurt or belittle me, it's not getting anywhere anymore. I have started to dread it cos it reminds me how lonely and hopeless everything is, I wondered about stopping it but then I'd have nothing.

I'm getting urges to hurt myself, I'm not used to dealing with this. Usually i'm just very low, or something in particular is making me anxious/frightened and sick. This is like compulsive urges to hurt myself, I feel like I'm mentally going down the path and through the stages for suicide and Im trying not to but there is no-one and nowhere to turn. I'm so sorry.

[lougle]

This is so sad. Do you have any other support networks? Have you tried your local church? If you could find an active church that has activities throughout the week, you may find some support there. The people won't care if you believe or not, so don't worry about that, but I just think that being in the company of good people makes you feel better and less isolated.

[elementofsurprise]

I did wonder about that, but I grew up going to church and I know what it's like. The active churches with stuff going on are always trying to convert you. I don't mean obviously, but there's sort of niceness that seems a bit fake co they are trying to "spread the word" rather than want to know you personally, iyswim.
I do actually believe in god and stuff, it's just I can't deal with that whole side of things and not knowing if friendship is true.

[lougle]

I can understand that. But in my experience, people will be fine with saying that you're not interested in that side of things.