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Bi Polar "boyfriend";-he emotional rollercoaster is killing me [sad]

(24 Posts)
LostSoul74 Mon 23-Nov-15 16:37:07

Apologies but this may be long sad

several months ago I met a guy who seemed really into me...after talking a lot online (we met through a shared interest) we arranged to meet as I discovered he lived locally...
after the first meeting he made it clear he was interested in me but that he couldnt offer a relationship right now and wasnt after something serious.
We lapsed into a friends with benefits arrangement but as time went on, we spent more time together talking about stuff, watching films etc and not sleeping together so I knew he wasnt just after sex, but I noticed his moods were erractic, sometimes he would be charming and lovely, othertimes almost hostile.
I could be round his one eve and he would be telling me how much he cared about me, liked me etc and we would end up in bed, then the next morning it would be as if he couldnt stand the sight of me.
I was bemused by the fact that at 40 years old he seemed isolated, didnt have friends and relied a lot on his parents, he eventually told me he had bi polar but would not treat it which was a worry.
From that point on life with him has been a rollercoaster where one minute he treats me as though Im his girlfriend and really important to him, then next, he will ignore me for a few days with just the odd fb message.
He constantly tells me that we are not together as it were and that he doesnt DO relationships because of his mental health etc..I have accepted that but our friendship has become very close and I usually stay round there at least two nights a week.
Recently I went abroad for a week and I think this made him anxious as he was very lovey dovey with me and even drove me to the airport.
Whilst I was away he messaged constantly and as I was preparing to fly home, messaged saying He would always be my friend for life and that his best thoughts were mine. He told me to hurry up and get home as it was too quiet without me
He collected me from the airport and fussed over me all evening, hugging and kissing me lots saying he had missed me..
fast forward two days..he literally kicked me out of the house..it felt so confusing..I have also recently been diagnosed with a long term health problem which he was supporting me with,
I messaged him the next night and said I was in hospital and he didnt even seem bothered.
Eventally I called round his at the weekend to find him wrapped in a duvet watching films, he looked annoyed I was there but made me a coffee..(he has told me that I am always welcome round his and that his home is my home, he leaves his back door open so I can just walk in )
After a while he said he was sorry but he had had enough of people and was feeling anti social..he said it wasnt personal but asked me to leave.
The next day, I felt worried about him, so called in..he said "Why are you here ?" I said I was worried about him and he started getting uppity saying, more like you came round because you wanted to see me..why are you always calling round? Im not your boyfriend you know Ive spelt that out to you...I hope you arent seeing more in this than there is ..
I was pretty upset by that statement as I know full well he isnt my boyfriend but understandably Im very fond of him.
I tried to explain that I was worried and he started ranting at me saying..why ?? you just called round here to reassure yourself...I told you I didnt want to see anyone yet you still come round!!!
He then proceeded to yell at me saying "This is the exact reason I didnt want people round because I lose my temper and get angry, I told you to stay away and you ignored me " I ended up bursting into tears and he just shouted saying "stop making it a drama!"..as he slowly calmed down he said..I dont think any less of you..you are one of the best people I know..up there with my parents, but seriously, dont ever do this to me again" he then politely asked me to leave, but as I went he said...."look if you really need me, message me, but failing that Ill be in touch in a few days "
I left feeling bereft and upset because I see he is online on facebook (before he goes to work) and is commenting on lots of things, also he is young looking for his age and very attractive so younger women flock round him and he flirts back with them online.

I dont really know what to do as it seems like he cares about me one minute but not the next but I dont want to walk away because I think he needs the friendship sad

NanaNina Mon 23-Nov-15 17:10:28

It doesn't sound like bi polar to me. Yes you can have mood swings but not from day to day. And why isn't he on medication if he has a serious mental health problem. He just sounds weird and I think you have enough to cope with, having your own illness. I'd give him a wide berth.

LostSoul74 Mon 23-Nov-15 17:15:33

Not strictly true as I know in rapid cycling Bi polar the swings can change quickly..most if the time he is depressed and I have seen him in mania and also one night he spent thd entire night rearranging his kitchen. .his sleep pattern is awful and he tells me he has conversations in his head..he refuses to take meds

NanaNina Mon 23-Nov-15 17:23:05

Rapid cycling bi polar means that you have a minimum of 4 episodes (from low to high) in any 12 month period. Spending a night re-arranging his kitchen - is that meant to be a symptom of mental illness - could be OCD. If he refuses to take meds there's not much anyone can do to help. Sorry you didn't find my post helpful.

fedupandtired Mon 23-Nov-15 18:16:43

He may well have bipolar but the behaviour you've described doesn't scream bipolar to me. Yes his moods do sound erratic but not necessarily from high to low which is what bipolar is. Perhaps there's something else going on too.

If he won't take any medication though you've either got to accept this is how he is or walk away.

CloakAndJagger Mon 23-Nov-15 20:16:36

It doesn't say bipolar to me either, and I live with the condition. Rapid cycling isn't mood changing within hours.

To be blunt, he sounds like a twat and if you keep being with him, he'll keep treating you like crap, you'll keep excusing him due to the condition he claims to have and you'll end up miserable.

LostSoul74 Mon 23-Nov-15 21:18:48

Thank you...now I feel sad as does this actually mean that he is just using a so called condition to treat me like dirt ? What about the withdrawing etc ?

CloakAndJagger Tue 24-Nov-15 21:14:58

Whatever his reasons, he's treating you badly.

If he does have bipolar and won't take meds, he'll carry on treating you like crap. If he doesn't have bipolar and is just like this, he'll carry on treating you like crap. Some people are just like that.

I know you'd like to think it was worth it as you like him enough to have not kicked his backside to the kerb already, but he's made it clear where you stand. Don't do it to yourself. You're worth so much more.

LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 21:22:22

Yes its very difficult..as I have very deep feelings for him...sadly I think I'm just a commodity to him..someone he calls on when he feels lonely sad

ptumbi Tue 24-Nov-15 21:22:39

He keeps telling you that you are not gf/bf - and yet... you seem to believe you are in a relationship? Friends with benefits - and yet, you can go round, spend the night, expect him to want to see you, to like it when you are there, to expect more.

Listen to him.

He is really not that into you. Sorry. He's told you enough times.

And no, it doesn;t sound like he is bi-polar to me either

nickelbabe Tue 24-Nov-15 21:24:41

If he knows he has bipolar aand refuses to treat it, then run like the wind.

If he doesn't have bipolar then run like the wind.

TheTigerIsOut Tue 24-Nov-15 21:31:09

Woman, please don't dig yourself into this crappy situation any further, you do not need to fix him or help him, you just need to protect yourself and your future by getting the hell out of there pronto.

gandalf456 Tue 24-Nov-15 21:32:02

He may be bi-polar. He sounds like someone I know but, interestingly, why are you doing this to yourself? For a couple your age, you've not really got a long history and invested a lot of time into the relationship. People sometimes end up putting up with this stuff if they have a lot of ties with a person such as property, children and have been with them for years but certainly not months. As he says himself and 'you're not his girlfriend' unless it suits him, bi-polar or no bi-polar. Mental illness or not, it's still hard being treated like shit and that's the bottom line. If I were you, I'd be kind to myself, be healthy and move on.

OhPillocks Tue 24-Nov-15 21:39:30

Regardless of why he is behaving like he is it doesn't sound like you are getting very much from the relationship. Life is too short for this type of nonsense - I'd move on. There is no need for any drama, anger or analysis. It's time to stop contacting him so much and start concentrating on yourself and your other friends and interests.

If you were in a relationship or if you had kids or other commitments (a house or a business) then it might be more complicated but you haven't so nothing's stopping you moving on.

Good luck.

LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 23:11:42

Thank you everyone.sad He is the one that invites me round..he told me I am welcome round anytime and his home is my home.He is always telling me how glad he is to have met me and what an amazing person I am..only a week ago he was collecting me from my holiday telling me how much he had missed me..sigh..so sadly I kind of took it as read that I actually meant something to him..I'm thinking that the reason for the turn in events is a new woman on the scene sad he also did the whole future faking thing saying he would be my friend for ever and making plans etc into next year

TheTigerIsOut Tue 24-Nov-15 23:14:35

Frankly, it doesn't matter if he is doing the chasing, ehat matters is that he treats you badly after fussing about you.

Remember, when it comes to relationships, trust their actions not their words.

LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 23:23:57

Yes I know..slowly facing up to the fact that I'm just a plaything to him sad

MrsMolesworth Tue 24-Nov-15 23:32:03

I bet you are a lot more to him than that. But as the old cliché goes: when a man tells you who he is, listen. He made it clear from early on that he couldn't get too close, which was honest. Bipolar takes every last drop of energy out of the person who has it.

Stay friends, but don't get closer than he's warned you he's capable of managing. I think he sounds like he's doing his best to be honourable and honest about his limitations. It's up to you to accept them.

LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 23:43:21

Interestingly the first thing he said after we met was don't get attached to me..

TheTigerIsOut Tue 24-Nov-15 23:53:14

So that's clear then, you are falling in love with someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with you. The more of a reason to step out of this.

Clobbered Wed 25-Nov-15 13:28:25

He has made his position very clear, but it seems to me that you want more, and are pushing the boundaries by dropping in on him unannounced when he has clearly asked you not to do that. I don't think he is necessarily being deliberately horrible to you - he has been honest about his condition and what he is able to offer. I think you have to respect his boundaries and accept the crumbs from his table, or get out of this relationship altogether if you want something different, because you aren't going to get it from him.

LostSoul74 Wed 25-Nov-15 13:51:02

Clobbered that's not the case..he told me I was welcome round anytime and that his door was always open..he said I could always call in whenever I liked. .however it was the Sunday when I called in that he became angry with me ..He has never asked me not to call in.

TheTigerIsOut Wed 25-Nov-15 18:38:45

Lostsoul, the only way you can stop him bring that nadty to you is walking away. The more you try to convince him the nastier that he will turn.
Puting it in simple words he is using you, and doesn't want to see you when he is not in the mood. There is no relationship here, it is his way or the highway, sorty.

TheTigerIsOut Wed 25-Nov-15 18:39:09

SorRy

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