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I am Jekyll and Hyde - a complete phoney

(6 Posts)
Openup41 Thu 19-Nov-15 23:12:57

I can cope when at work or when out and about. I can pretend to be someone else who is happy go lucky. I can support my peers, laugh and joke with them.

As soon as my foot hits my front door, I am a wreck. I scream, shout, am miserable. My children do not bond well with me. I cry all the time. My dh ignores me as he does not know what else to do.

I have had depression for over 25 years. No medication to manage it. My dm did not seek help. I just got on with life, never actually enjoying it even as a teenager. I have hated myself all this time. On the outside I appear confident, assertive, calm but I feel like a failure for many reasons I cannot go into on here. I try to overcompensate assuming people will not like the real me. When I am befriended I do not understand why anyone would choose to know me. I am a nobody. A complete mess. I am weak - always have been. I allowed my peers to bully me at school and that certainly contributed to my mental health issues.

It is absolutely awful - just awful. sad

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Thu 19-Nov-15 23:27:08

If you have not gone to the GP to talk about this, now is the time. As a first stage, I would say you need to be on anti-depressants.
As a second stage, you NEED therapy, if for no other reason, than to stop you from making your kids lives a misery.
If you don't start trying to get this sorted, then they will end up paying the price, both in the long term and the short term.
I speak as someone whose mother did not seek help and whose mental health has suffered BADLY as a consequence.

Openup41 Thu 19-Nov-15 23:40:11

Room 101 - thank you for being so truthful. I do need help. I cannot carry on like this.

Wolfiefan Thu 19-Nov-15 23:45:17

If it is awful then it can only get better.
I speak as someone who had CBT and meds. But I was probably suffering a very long time before I realised it.
Your life can be better.
You can be confident and calm at home.
Please contact your GP.

nickelbabe Thu 19-Nov-15 23:50:25

Is it definitely depression?

I don't know any of the rest of your story, but the bit you've given is very similar to me.
I'm on the waiting list for aspergers assessment.
Please Google aspergers in girls and see if anything else fits - it might be because you've got the wrong diagnosis.

(Disclaimer: this might be way off the mark but it's worth looking even if it just rules it out)

nickelbabe Thu 19-Nov-15 23:51:49

Ps - you do need ero seek actual help though.
Otherwise it will destroy you.

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