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How do you get over real deepseated resentment?

(23 Posts)
ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 21:39:53

where it still eating away at you, years later?

this is a really genuine question.

Ripeningapples Sun 15-Nov-15 21:42:22

Would it be wrong to ask you what you have done to try to get over it so far? What is it you are trying to get over exactly.

I'm sorry you feel like this.

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 21:49:09

I've kept my distance from certain people, one in particular. I fugure time and distance is the only answer.

But it won't go away.

I dont want to go into it, I just want to get over it. I had therapy and talked it all out, but its still inside me.

hesterton Sun 15-Nov-15 21:50:09

You could try mindfulness. Or maybe hypnotherapy?

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 21:54:31

I'd never considered hypnotherapy.

Ripeningapples Sun 15-Nov-15 21:55:21

I can't pretend to understand but as I often say to my children and people at work, you can't change the past only the future.

Was your therapy good enough? Could you try a different therapist to see if they are more helpul/there's a better connection?

I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope a professional will come along who can provide you better advice.

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 22:04:51

thank you for answering.

I cant afford more therapy, unfortunately.

ButEmilylovedhim Sun 15-Nov-15 22:08:05

Have you ever written it all down? I mean, really write, for hours at a time, thousands of words. Thrash it all out, analyse it from every angle, repeat yourself, put it down, come back to it every time you think of something else. Keep it, read it back, nod at your wisdom, add bits you had forgotten and new insights. I have done this and was amazed at its power as a way to take the sting and hurt out of a situation. I slept so well after I did this the first time and dreamt of being free and light. I'm still going back and writing more several months later. I date my entries and can see how I'm moving on. It's looking like a book now! Best of luck, I do hope that helps.

RandomMess Sun 15-Nov-15 22:15:06

I struggle with this too.

Letting myself really grieve and being angry and then forgiving - takes a long time IME.

Sometimes the anger and resentments comes back but it's just fleeting triggered by something good happening in their life which reminds me of the unjustness more than anything else.

Destinysdaughter Sun 15-Nov-15 22:28:05

There is a very powerful technique I once learnt about letting go of resentment, it's a bit hard to describe but I'll have a go.

The first step is to write down what you are getting out of holding onto this resentment.

Examples include:

Being right
Feeling superior
Sympathy from others
Not having to take responsibility for your actions
A sense of power
Not having to feel the hurt
And most powerfully of all, being able to justify your ( often nasty ) actions as a result.

Then you look at the cost of this resentment, things like;

Not resolving the situation
Loss of the relationship
Depression
Inability to move on
Inability to feel love, joy etc
Often manifests itself physically
Bitterness
Can affect your sexual expression, spirituality etc

And many other things, it's different for everyone.

Eventually you realise that your resentment is costing you more than you are getting out of it and not only that, the apparent benefits are actually costs! So there's no real pay off to you at all and you are the one really suffering here.

EDisFunny Sun 15-Nov-15 22:33:45

My therapist used to ask me what I gained from holding on to my resentment. It was a very uncomfortable question and we explored it many sessions.

For me it was not knowing how to let go. I was very bad at getting angry, I felt I needed to be polite, reasonable, and nice. Through my sessions I said the things I needed to say & expressed lots of pent up anger.

Anyway, my therapist's question let me look at my actions in a different way. I use the technique a lot!

Destinysdaughter Sun 15-Nov-15 22:34:56

This isn't an intellectual process, you have to really feel it.

The next step in this process was to imagine the person in front of you and confess all the resentments you have been holding on them, confess your 'pay offs' and what it's cost you and then to apologise to them
( again in your mind ), for holding onto these resentments, ask them to forgive you and then genuinely say I forgive you.

If you're not feeling it, it's because you haven't really got what it's costing you and you may need to revisit that.

The final step is to create a new intention as to how you want to be with them/ regard them in the future.

It's a very powerful process, I've done it on both my parents, partners and work colleagues. It's very humbling and freeing.

I don't know if that's of any help to you, it may not make any sense but it really can work!

EDisFunny Sun 15-Nov-15 22:35:16

X post with Destiny's, that all sounds very gestalt!

Polyethyl Sun 15-Nov-15 22:36:31

What's wrong with still resenting something? Is the resentment bad for you?

I still powerfully resent someone for something that happened 16 years ago.... but it spurred me to become a first aid instructor and that's taken me to some wonderful places and people. He may be a wanker to whom I wish harm - but good things came out of his ghastliness.

Destinysdaughter Sun 15-Nov-15 22:37:25

Also sometimes if you're feeling really bloody angry with someone, giving yourself permission to rant and rave and say all the things you really want to say to them ( but not actually to them, hitting a pillow or pushing a wall etc) can also really help and is bloody therapeutic!

Destinysdaughter Sun 15-Nov-15 22:39:50

Personally I think resentment and the desire for revenge is one of the most destructive forces on the planet. Just look at what's going on with ISIS and the West right now. Mindless killings and both sides feel totally justified in their actions. It has to stop.

RaisedByWolves Sun 15-Nov-15 22:42:57

Resentment is fuelled by the sense of having been wronged /hurt/ damaged by someone who we believe gained from it . The only way i could let go of resentment was to reexamine that sense of hurt and detriment. To see myself in a stronger position because of the pain I suffered. To feel pity for the person I resented.

Not sure if that helps you.

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 23:18:01

I'm more confused here then anything

destiny, can you explain that a bit more , how can I ask the person I resent to forgive me? I dont get that at all.

and raisedbywolves, how does suffering pain make you stronger? I might be stronger but I'm so resentful and this person is having a great life whilst I'm hurting. Where is the strength in that? its the exact unjustness that randonmess mentions.

Destinysdaughter Sun 15-Nov-15 23:35:05

You are asking forgiveness for you having held on to your resentments. You're not condoning their actions at all but owning your resentment, if that makes sense?

The key to this really is seeing what your resentment is costing you. You're the one possibly lying in bed at night seething about it, unable to move on and possibly blaming them for things that aren't working in your life ( I'm just speculating here )
Resentment is like 'taking poison and waiting for the other person to die', ultimately it only hurts you and it keeps you stuck, still attached to that person and powerless, unable to move on with your life and free yourself from it.

If you look at the lists of benefits and costs of your resentments, could you think of any that applied to you?

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 23:40:33

you mean you are asking yourself for forgiveness then?

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 23:41:59

destiny, I just dont understand this bit

The next step in this process was to imagine the person in front of you and confess all the resentments you have been holding on them, confess your 'pay offs' and what it's cost you and then to apologise to them
( again in your mind ), for holding onto these resentments, ask them to forgive you and then genuinely say I forgive you.

If you're not feeling it, it's because you haven't really got what it's costing you and you may need to revisit that.

Imogenj Tue 17-Nov-15 20:35:18

What about Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy's approach (REBT)? I've found it's really helpful for people who are stuck with their anger/passive aggression/resentment - it's just a different way of looking at things, focussing on the rigid philosophies we hold about the world, ourselves and other people, forcing the individual to take emotional responsibility for the way they make themselves feel and helping them to build their self acceptance and a more rounded philosophy regarding other people's behaviour. I know therapy is expensive but you might find some of the books by Professor Windy Dryden helpful: Overcoming Hurt, Overcoming Anger: when it helps and when it hurts, 10 Steps to Happiness.

FarticCircle Wed 18-Nov-15 02:43:38

All the time and energy you put into being resentful is time that you don't have to spend being responsible for your own life.

Choose positively to stop resenting. Choose to not allow yourself time to think about this person. Decide on a replacement activity that will benefit you every time you find yourself brooding. Tell people that you have decided not to resent this person. Recognise the emotional equivalent of "throwing good money after bad" that you have indulged in.

Lots of people have better/richer/funner lives than you but resentment won't either get money off them, or bring you wealth or happiness.

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