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I think my head has actually exploded.. It hurts like it used to when I fell open

(1 Post)
abbysgothboots Tue 10-Nov-15 22:59:34

I don't know if I'm having a break through or a break down, I feel calm and my heart is normal, but I've been feeling for a week or nearly more on the edge of not knowing what I feel. I am sad, I'm happy and I'm angry, really angry and it burns me how fevered and and angry I am.
I wasn't like this 3 years ago I was happy and floating on my life, until I MC at 7weeks. It killed my hope but DP was indifferent and pragmatic "it happened for a reason". I die every time I get my period.
For that 3 weeks I knew, that was my life, my baby. I told him when I bled and he was so matter of fact. I can't stop thinking and the thinking has made me possessed with what was supposed to be. That was my baby and it isn't anything anymore. I want to not feel tormented by what should have been my future, and now isn't, it's just some Estimated dates, and times I have to stay covered up in bed and scream inside and forget what was going to be. I can't take it anymore because now 2 years later I just think of what should have been and I'm going out of my mind
I'm taking painkillers to take the edge away from what I feel if I wake up to feel what I should do probably, and sleeping tablets so I can just go to sleep. I like being asleep because I dream and I dream about my real life but with just tiny little alterations, like the washer in a different place, or i can't fix the phone, it's my life but with just a happier feel to it.
I really can't take my life as it is, I've got no one. My DP is my best friend and he's the best thing to ever happen to my life. I look at him and I'm happy And feel home. He's amazing, but this is something I can't take, I can't take this much in my head. I'm happy and I still want to get better from what I am now. But I feel like I am taking part in a film that I'm part of and that this isn't my life how it was meant to be.

I've reverted back to 20 years ago when I used to feel fury and rage at my body and I squeeze and hurt it because I hate who I have made myself, I hate me and my failings and my lack of a proper spirit anymore lol. I just wish I knew my head, I can't make sense. I'm happy but sad, I'm enthusiastic but dying at the same time, and I want to make my life perfect but I'm empty. I was never like this before I miscarried, now I just see my face as the owner of a failure to live in.
I hope I've separated this ok for anyone to read, if I haven't I'm sorry. I just wish I had somebody who could actually say they knew I was a fuck-up, but it was ok to be one sometimes.
I listen to the same songs on repeat to feel better, but then when the headphones come off I fall apart.
I'm sorry for going on but the more worse I feel the more I realse I have nobody.
I'm sat here just feel like a box of nothing!!please tell me anyone that this will improve, it's got to. With every look at my body, I fall away. Please does anyone know what I can do to make me feel like I matter in this life I have?

I don't think I'm ill but if anyone knows how I can feel.
I'm sorry for for rant lol.

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