Confess to Depression?

[VictyCo]

So this is very hard.. I am 42 with2 beautiful girls, loyal and supportive partner, own home, own (sometimes successful) business - what do I have to be sad about? I have this cloud over me every day, low self esteem, disgust at my own lack of pleasure in the life I have. I have put off fronting this for years and years but am scared my moods will drive my gorgeous family apart. I cry with desperation most days. Drink too much (hidden from my partner) I break all my own promises to myself to have a dry week. There are triggers - my horrible birth father died, something that should not have affected me - I only met the wretch once but it triggered a really bad bout and I booked a GP appointment for Thursday. Now I am scared to go, my all consuming negativity says to me what if they say 'you have nothing to be depressed about', what if my records affect my future, will it have repercussions, should I just not go and try to be stronger. I did struggle with my kids but lied on all those questionnaires, made myself out to be deliriously happy when I didn't feel like I coped. Hard to admit this but I need change, I need to find joy with my family, with me.

[shutupanddance]

Depression doesn't have to be about something. You are just depressed. Seek help.

[amarmai]

make yourself go to the dr for your sake, your dds sake and your dh's sake. what do you have to lose and what do you have to gain?

[hefzi]

Your doctor won't say that: and if you have "something to be depressed about" then depression is a natural reaction. If you "have nothing to be depressed about" than that just means that you're ill and have depression - it doesn't have to be caused by anything. You deserve to be well, and not to feel the way you do: and it's not about being stronger - you wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to suck it up and keep going without a plaster, would you?!

The only repercussions it can have for your future: you may not get security clearance to work with MI5/6/GCHQ/some parts of government - some diagnoses of depression can be a bar. However, from what you say about your age, I'd guess you're unlikely to be going to go through the fast track process anyway! The repercussions, however, of not seeking help? Those can be a whole lot worse, especially if you are self-medicating with alcohol etc So for your family, but more importantly, for yourself: go to your appointment, be honest - and get the help you deserve to have.

It's miserable, but you don't have to cope all on your own: ((hugs))

[Wolfiefan]

You don't have to confess to depression.
It's not a shameful secret.
It is an illness.
You wouldn't say I have nothing to have pneumonia about would you?
Please do seek help. You deserve to be well.

[Trooperslane]

Pp is right. It's not a bad thing you've 'done' and have to confess to. Nada to be ashamed of.

You need the doc. Quickly, get there and start the journey of getting better.

Big hugs.

[Trooperslane]

I always use the broken leg analogy.

"Ah pull yourself together. Sure what have you got to be lying on your arse with a broken leg for - you have a great life, you have lots to be thankful for - how do you even have TIME to have a broken leg?" Said no one ever.

And if they did everyone would tell them to fuck off. Rightly.

[Boleh]

I have been told that depression is sometimes 'situational' I.e. caused by something external and sometimes 'clinical' - basically your brain chemistry is out of line.
I think of it more like diabetes than a broken leg, in its milder form it can be 'managed' in its more several form medication is needed to rebalance body chemistry.
It took me 2 years to go to the Uni counselling service, 3 or so more to go the GP the first time and I didn't take the tablets and another 5ish to go back - best thing I ever did, treatment was like lifting a weight off me.
The strongest confirmation that I've had that my depression was chemical and nothing to do wit how good life was or wasn't is that I'm currently off medication - over the last 10 months my job has been constantly under threat, I've planned and had my wedding and moved countries (without my husband) and I've been fine, actually praised for being so positive - because currently I am well. 18 months ago I would get up in the morning and sob in the shower about having to face the day despite having a perfect life with everything I could have wanted - because I was ill.
OP you are ill, what you do when you are ill is go and see your GP who either helps you get better or refers to someone specialist who can help you more. This is what you need to do.

[VictyCo]

Thank you for all your messages, they have all really helped me. I didn't expect anyone to bother replying tbh. Very grateful. Appointment is tomorrow and I am really fretting about how to talk about this to the Doctor.
Thank you

[VictyCo]

A question, Boleh, if I may. If depression is chemical and medication rebalances the chemistry, how does this work when you stop medication? Do you go back to the natural (depressed) state?

[cymrukernow]

Some people use medication short term, some long term. Whatever works for you.
I'm about 3 weeks into my depression, never had it before, it is truly bloody awful, horrible. I have started taking Sertraline but hasn't kicked in yet.
There was no apparent trigger, and I wasn't feeling bad beforehand. Everyone's different but it just happened to me, a real punch in the face.
Please go and see a GP. If you have a group practice like me, try and find one who is understanding of mental health. And be totally honest about how you feel. It may get worse if you bottle it up.

[VictyCo]

I did it! Very anxious morning, lots of tears but I got through the Doctor's visit. He did take me seriously and agreed I need some help. So I have started with Sertraline. Worried (of course) about the first few days, he said I may be worse whilst the medication kicks in but really thinks this will help. I am on 50mg a day and he said this may not be enough but it is a start. I have blood test booked to see if I have damaged my liver over the years of excess drinking which is saddening but I am facing it - today anyway! It helped a lot to get these messages, thank you mumsnet people.

[Clg199]

It sounds like a really positive visit to the doctor - well done. I don't mean that in a patronising way but I've always found that broaching the subject for the first time is the hardest step.

I've resigned myself to taking anti-depressants for the rest of my life. I've been on them on and off for 11 years (since I was 24) and everytime I try to come off them the dark cloud comes back. This is by no means the same for everyone - lots of people take a course and the medication gives them the headspace to get back to 'normal'. I have a family history of depression and although I initially hated the connotations I get on with it fine now. I take my contraceptive pill to stop getting pregnant, and take my anti-depressants to stop my mood dropping again. I've only told my partner and two close friends, work have never needed to know as the medication puts me in control and allows me to manage it properly. I used to see the tablets as a bad thing, now I think they are awesome.

[Trooperslane]

Well done V.

Hang in there

[RedButtonhole]

Well done for going to the doctor, that's a big step and one of the hardest ones to take. Have you thought about telling your DP or someone else you can trust?

I have recently been in the same boat and reaxhed breaking point before I had to tell someone. I've had wonderful support on here and from my family. "Confessing" is a scary thought but you have nothing to be ashamed of and as I have recently learned the depression take hold and puts all sorts of negative thoughts in your head about how people will react, but the people who love and care about you will want to support you in getting better. You deserve to be well, I hope now that you have spoken to your GP that things get a little better.

Ive been on citalopram for about a month now, I did feel quite anxious and low to begin with but after a few days in it did start to improve. Be kind to yourself and take your time. If you want to pm me please feel free, sometimes it helps to write it down