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I think it's time to admit I might have PND.(5 Posts)
I've suffered depression and severe anxiety before in the past and been on meds and had therapy but I got better. I started feeling depressed again when I was pregnant and my ex never supported me and he left me for another woman when I was 36 weeks. He said I was mental and was taking our daughter etc and made my last few months of pregnancy absolute hell and then he never bothered with her until she was about 7 months old and during that time he did nothing but send me abuse and make stuff up to people about me and post stuff on Facebook begging to see his child who I never even stopped him seeing. He threatened me with court and taking her off me because I was 'mental' and an unfit mum and I was poor. After all the crap he put me through he now sees her once a week for two hours and is too busy to have her any more than that.
Once I gave birth I was so happy and didn't feel depressed at all until she was about 6 months old and it slowly crept back and I stopped enjoying being a mum. I couldn't wait to get back to work after my maternity just to get a break and I thought I would feel better being back but I was wrong.
I've stopped caring about everything. My appearance, work, housework etc and I just want to sit all day in my pyjamas. I have no friends at all and my family hardly help me and the only person who does help me is my ex's mum. She has my little girl every Sunday all day and I know if I ever needed help she would drop everything for her granddaughter but I feel like anything I say to her they hold it against me and will use it one day to try take my little girl and I feel like they are waiting for me to screw up.
I don't enjoy being a mum most days and I feel like just walking out and leaving her but I get to the door and I imagine her sat on her own looking for me and then I feel so guilty for even thinking it. I also think she would be better off if I wasn't in her life because I'm a shit mum and I don't have loads of money like her dad and we don't live in a fancy house and have a fancy car and she will be ashamed of me when she gets older.
Everyone thinks I'm a good mum and that I'm doing well because I work and do it all on my own, I don't go out on a weekend or spend money on myself and every penny I have goes on my little girl and because she's well behaved and polite etc. Truth is I'm a shit mum and it's all an act and once at home I spend my whole day counting down until bedtime so I can sit on my own.
I constantly worry about bad things happening to my little girl I lay awake at night imagining these horrible scenarios and I can't stop it. I don't find any pleasure in life at all and I might have good days but they are far and few between. I struggle to get up on a morning and sometimes I wish I didn't wake up but then I feel terrible at the thought of leaving my little girl but on the other hand I think it would be best. I'm so confused.
I hate going to work and I miss days a lot and I am going to end up getting into trouble because of it.
I have been keeping this to myself for two years now and I have done a good job at pretending I'm happy. I'm scared to admit it to anyone and have written on here so many times and then not posted it because I'm ashamed of myself. I'm also terrified my little girl will get taken away from me if I seek help.
What will happen if I go to the doctors? I want to ask for a sick note but I'm scared they will either tell me it's nothing and to go away or that they will judge me and think I'm an unfit mother. I'm also terrified it will all come back to haunt me if my ex goes through with his threats and takes me to court and I will have her taken away from me.
I sound absolutely pathetic, I know, but I just want to be a good mum and enjoy being one and not feel like a big fat failure everyday
Please please go to the doctor. I have suffered depression all my life, it was awful during my pregnancy and postnatally, but I got better and so can you. I bet you are in no way a 'shit mum' , you are doing your best for your daughter and when you feel as awful as you obviously do then even getting through each day is an achievement. But you need help and a doctor can prescribe you something that will help. You have been on meds before and they helped then so they will again. Your daughter will not be taken away. In fact you facing what is happening and seeking help will be seen as a positive thing. It doesn't sound like your ex would go for full time residency anyway to be honest if he only sees her for a few hours. The doctor can give you a sick note. Please see the doctor today if you can. Tell them exactly how you are feeling, that you are not sleeping, lacking energy etc. Make sure they know you have a history of depression. It will be ok, but you need to take the first step and see the doctor because your daughter needs you to be well.
you are doing a great job and there is no shame in needing help.
When I went to my GO for PND he was brilliant. They are there to support you and get you the help you need. I faced no judgements or belittling just understanding and help.
You are not pathetic. You deserve to be happy and healthy and you can get help.
You have depression and they will not judge you at all and you must go along and agree it is seen as a positive self care step for both of you.
Regarding your young DD and your perceived possibility of SS intervention. Having PND does not mean an automatic referral. You will not lose your DD.
I am a long term MH patient of many years and have known people who have had dc removed BUT I can assure you the ones that did have done shockingly bad stuff or neglected their dc and were totally incapable of caring for them at all. I'm the sort of person that is at risk of losing my dc and I accept that. I will always be on a radar as I have attacked people when psychotic including my health visitor.
That is hard to write but I always feel so sorry for women who don't get help because of the fear of losing their dc. You are depressed not dangerous nor neglectful.
You don't sound like a shit mum at all - in fact, you sound like an amazing one! But please do as the others have said, and go to the doctor - you have an illness that needs treating, just like if you had tonsillitis: they won't judge you - more like, they will tell you that you've been doing a sterling job, and it's no wonder you're struggling a bit at the moment, with everything you've been coping with on your own.
There's no reason, as small says, that you will lose your daughter: you aren't dangerous to her, and you're bending over backwards taking care of her, plus you have support from your ex's mum - there's no reason SS will even know about you because of this. Loads of people, unfortunately, have PND, but it doesn't mean you aren't fit to take care of your own children, so please, please, go and get some help from the GP, and don't let this stop you. You deserve to be well.
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