Struggling

[Jemima14]

I just don't know what to do. I am sick of feeling so unstable. My emotions are an absolute rollercoaster & I am so tired of it. I am a single mother, to the most beautiful little girl, and I am so angry that I am depressed and with no support from my family. I am angry that I can't enjoy her and my time with her, I'm afraid that my mood swings are damaging to her, I try to hide it but I'm sure she senses it, even if she is only 14 months. I'm so angry and shocked that all my family who I 'thought' was close, have just deserted me. I have had massive fights with them because they say they care and support me, but they don't and they are not there, not to lend a hand, not to lend an ear, they just dismiss what I have to say. So I'm struggling with a lot, plus I think I'm devastated because the illusion of what I thought my family was, actually isn't. And I now feel l just can't be part of it, and I don't know how to be ok with that.

Rambly post I know. But if someone could help me here. Even just a chat. I'm low, I'm struggling, I don't know how to keep fighting on. I fight so hard all the time to keep pushing through when I feel so bad, but nothing ever changes or gets better.

[hefzi]

Jemima sorry to hear things are crappy atm. Have you been to see your GP? It sounds like you could do with the support - and also, how about counselling? It's a real blow when you realise your family are rubbish, and it might be helpful to have someone to talk through it all with?

Hopefully, if you get some help with your depression, things will start to change and get better - but I'm sorry you're so low at the moment, and I am sending some virtual hugs in the meantime.

[charley30]

Sorry I'm so like u how are you today jemima x

[Jemima14]

Thank you for the replies. I have been with my gp, maybe over the last year now, have been on zoloft & Im not sure if it has helped but I've not been taking it consistantly to have decided to stop taking it. My days just seem to be so unregular that I can miss days of taking it. I did find a councellor who spend the whole two sessions I was there, talking about herself. I know I could do to find another. But a huge part of my problem lies in doing things. Im not lazy, I have had lots of tests at the docs, but I feel like my energy levels are too low to be normal. So I struggle with getting things done, like phoning around places to get an appointment. Plus I have no help and no one to watch my daughter.

Its all quite tough. I am just so dissapointed in my family that they are not and havn't been there for me. I'm never needy or have big expectations on them to help me out. My expectations run to, can you mind my daughter for an hour so I can get shopping, or clean my house - every couple of weeks, not even regularly. I never get a break with her, and they don't care. My mother uses up all her time minding my sisters children, and has the gall to tell me how tired she is from it, but then explain to me 'ah they needed a night out'. They are always out. They live in supportive couples & they have great lives. And they should I'm not begrudging that. But I just feel like I'm on my knees, and no one can care enough to offer a hand. I have one sister who helps me out, so I do get a break sometimes. But I think I'm just so shocked now, am I finally seeing things clearly now .I have had a desginated role in our family. The role of fuck up, black sheep. People don't give me any credit or they will dismiss everything I say.

This may be stupid. Im well aware it could be. But ages ago my mother told me she never wanted me. She was angry througout the pregnancy. She had such bad feelings towards me & she hated herself for it. She had three young children & didnt feel like she could handle another so soon. I felt bad for her. But now seeing my own daughter, im wondering, did she continue to feel that when I was born, maybe I have always been treated a little different by her, and then in turn by everyone else, maybe something like that has stemmed from that. I know no badness was inteneded. But is that even possible? To me it feels like it is, but its so insidiuous its hard to know. And its not like anyone listens tome anyway so I wouldn't dare say it cause they would just completly brush me off. and Im so tired of being brushed off.

Rambling post again. I really could do with someone to talk & soundboard off, but right now its not an option.

Some times I think, maybe its better, for an easy life, to just go along with it all, take what I am given and just put up. It would certainly be easier.

[Jemima14]

Actually, I know why I can't just let it be anymore. Because it makes me feel so small and so insignificant. It squashes me in to a corner where I feel I will never get well. And then I am left alone with my daughter, and I'm upset and I can be short tempered and even just sit crying in front of her. And thats not ok. I can't continue to keep putting myself in that, when it negitively impacts her. I love her so much, I just want to be a good mum, all thats important to me is that she is happy and loved and its not appropriate for her to be witness to my depression and anger. And its my family dysfucntion that really triggers / causes / contributes to that. Shouldn't it be the opposite?

Im trying to figure it out.