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Don't know how to help my dd anymore!

(4 Posts)
kaylasmum Wed 04-Nov-15 13:52:51

I have 5 children, 31 yo dd,29 yo ds, 24 yo dd, 12 yo dd and 8 yo ds. My 31 and 29 yo have bpd. My 24 yo has odd and I strongly suspect bdd. My 12 yo has gad. I've suffered from health anxiety and depression on and off over the years.

My eldest dd has been through some really tough times but is doing really well now. Her son is on the spectrum and has adhd but he is doing well. My 29 to ds has struggled with life since he was about 3 yo.
I'm certain he has adhd as a child but was never diagnosed despite seeing a child psychologist. He went on to self harm, overdose and become addicted to prescription drugs. He recently served 3 months in prison, he should have been sectioned not thrown into prison.

My 24 yo is never happy, atm she is crying every day. She has a 4 yo dd and I worry about the effect on her. My dd is very unhappy about how she looks, she is actually very pretty. Her main problems are her breast size and her eye that has I kind of droopy lid. ( I never noticed this until she pointed it out to me) she is also very unhappy about where she lives. She has decorated her flat many times in the last 3 years. Her neighbours are a bit of a pain but she can't stand them.

She talks to me about performing surgery on her eyelid herself,she is also about to make herself homeless. She has asked if she can move back into mine but I don't have the room. She asked her dad to take a loan out for her to get a boob job, she said she'd pay it back. He said no. I try to understand and to empathise with her but she gets angry and we usually end up arguing. She has told me numerous times that she would rather be dead than live the way she does. She has also said that her dd would be better off with me or her dad.
She has been on about 4 different anti- d's but none of them agreed with her,she's also had counselling sessions which she does'nt think will help her.

I honestly don't know what to do to help her,I'm at a loss. Anyone have any suggestions?

hefzi Wed 04-Nov-15 15:19:01

Sorry to hear your situation, OP: could you try encouraging her to contact MIND? They have some good people on the other end of the 'phone. And I am afraid she does sound as though counselling would help - has she just seen the various brief intervention/CBT people through the NHS? If so, would she be in a position to go privately? (Not that I think it's better - it's just often quicker and there's more choice) Does she work or is she a sahm?

kaylasmum Thu 05-Nov-15 12:11:07

Thanks for your reply. She has been to mindspace who helped her with anger issues. She has been referred 3 times to the mental health team but for some reason it hasn't worked for her.

She definitely unable to go private, she is on benefits as she can't work. I want to help but don't know how to. She's told me today that she's going to stay away from us all.

hefzi Fri 06-Nov-15 12:19:59

I don't want to sound harsh, and I know this is hard, but perhaps you need to let her stay away from you? I know you want to help, but it sounds as though you have done as much as you can, but because you and her dad won't let her do as she wants (move back in when there's no room, pay for a boob job) she's taking it out on you: perhaps some space between you might get her to readjust her way of dealing with and responding to you? It sounds as though her pattern is to try to manipulate and then to get angry if you don't respond to it: I'm sorry if this isn't the case - I don't mean to be hurtful, it's just an outsiders view based on your posts.

If she's been referred to the MH team and it hasn't worked, was that because she was non-compliant in some way (not attending sessions, not taking meds etc)? It sounds a bit as though she has made up her mind that nothing will help, whether it's meds or counselling, and that's that, so perhaps isn't giving it her all? There are heaps and heaps of options drug-wise they can try, so if it's just the options she has tried haven't worked, there are loads that might - sometimes, it's just a question of trial and error, which is a pain. Do you think you could persuade her to go on the waiting list for counselling at least?

If you think she is a danger to herself, when she says that her DD would be better off without her, you could also take her straight to A and E: there is inevitability a wait, but she'd eventually be assessed by someone with psych experience, and that might be extremely helpful in terms of getting a diagnosis and some proper help?

I'm so sorry for you, because you must be desperate to help and worried no end, but I'm afraid I can't think of anything else just now that might help ;-/

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