I'm rotting.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I've been doing so well recently. I had a great work trip to the U.S. and felt like the bipolar was finally under control, but I think everything's falling apart again. The last week I've been feeling so drained, hopeless, helpless, just want to disappear. The instrusive sucidal thoughts are back. I can feel the badness is back inside me. My stomach hurts like I've been punched; I can feel the evil spreading and rotting inside of me. I'm so, so tired of all this.

How many times before you just give up? I feel like they wouldn't leave a dog to suffer like this.

[NanaNina]

Oh love I'm so sorry - mental fucking illness sucks and yes it doesn't go away does it - well it does for a while and then comes back and hits us on the back of the neck..........and off we go again. I ask myself the same Q - how many times before you give up, but giving up isn't simple is it. There's no real solution. Sorry I've forgotten your diagnosis - is it bipolar? Is your psych any good. Thing is they are limited aren't they in what they can do. I actually felt sorry for mine last week as I could see he was trying so hard to find something to help me, but it's just meds, meds and more meds and none of them work.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks NN, yes, it's bipolar--but always depression, no highs any more. I really thought that I'd found the right medication levels. I was so well and really enjoyed my trip, whereas every other trip has tipped me into an episode before. I dared to think that I would be free of the depression, at least for a good length of time. I've not managed more than a couple of months between epsiodes over the last 18 months.

My pdoc is good, but is one of the main consultants so always booked up. Saw my CPN yesterday. She's on holiday now. I have an appointment with a different CPN on Thursday, but it feels a long way away. I can always ring the crisis team, but I don't think I'm in a crisis right now. I think I'm just so tired of it all. Getting consumed in the delusions and hearing voices is appealing because it frees me from the disappointment and effort of fighting it all.

And, yes, they're limited in what they can do....zopliclone, diazepam, push the quetiapine up. It's just a series of sticking plasters.

[Heaveniswaiting]

Don't run I empathise, I'm in the middle of a depressive episode and it's just shit. I feel guilty and undeserving so I dick about with my meds cos I feel I don't deserve to be well. I hope Thursday comes around quickly for you and do call the crisis team.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks, heaven. I understand the temptation to mess with meds. I'm tempted. It might make it all get over more quickly than trying to hang on by my finger nails. DH is at the NDN with DDs for a Halloween party. I just couldn't face it. I have my two beautiful girls to think of, but I winder whether I'm just spreading the evil around them and doing more damage.

DH asked 'how bad is it'? I don't know how to answer him.

[NanaNina]

"How bad is it" - it's so hard for anyone who is fortunate enough not to suffer mental illness to understand. The psych asked me what the bad day were like - I said "I feel empty, flat, no interest, no motivation, despondent, despairing, suicidal............" which led on to the usual Qs about suicide - do I have a plan....Yes Have I ever tried....No Do you think you would.....Don't know.

Depression defies description I think............I've had 2 good months this year Jan and May and the rest have been more or less shite, lucky if I've had a third of the month feeling ok. I was on the point of having ECT but backed off as afraid of memory loss, but it might be better than suicide.

Don't mess with the meds scissors you'll just end up with physical problems as well.

[Heaveniswaiting]

How was your night don't run? Did you get any rest?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks NN and heaven, I slept quite well and feel a bit brighter so far today. I only took 600mg of Quetiapine last night, rather than 650mg. I have a bit more energy than usual.

I'm now wondering whether the Quetiapine was causing problems and maybe I'm better off on a lower dose

[Heaveniswaiting]

Hi don't run, I'm setting myself 2 missions today, which is one of my coping strategies. The first one is have a bath (I'm still in bed!) and the second is take the dog out. I've got a sick note for another week, so I don't have to worry about functioning at work.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Hi heaven, good strategies and it sounds helpful that you don't have to think sbout work.

My initial brightness has turned back to agitation/bad feelings, but I still feel drawn to lower the Quetiapine. I feel it's like a moth to a flame. The evil is drawing me in. I'm feeling fat, stupid, weak, pathetic, lazy....deserve to suffer.

I don't know what to do. I'm not in crisis so no point ringing the crisis team. I could ring the duty worker tomorrow, but don't think I could get stuff across to a stranger, or I can wait it out until Thursday when I have an appointment with the other CPN. I'll no doubt do the latter. In the meantime, I need to figure out what to do with the Quetiapine dose. I can hear my CPN's voice telling me to out it up, not down.......but i don't know whether I can do that.

[MummySparkle]

I've recently swapped quetiapine for new meds. But please don't stop taking it without talking to a doctor. I got fed up with the side effects and went cold turkey and things spiralled very quickly. There are other things out there

[Heaveniswaiting]

Don't run have you tried abilify/ aripiprazole? I found it less sedating and less side effects than Quetiapine.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I wont stop the quetiapine. I get few side effects. I just feel like I don't deserve to be well. I can feel the rotting inside of me. I think that the quetiapine is maybe stopping me feeling it properly. It's blocking the signs, if that makes sense? Maybe reducing it will let me feel the full force of what I really am.

Paradoxically, abilify made me very, very sedated and didn't help my mood. I don't really get any sedation with Quetiapine.

I'm not sure what to do-whether to contact the CMhT or do anything at all. I'm still outwardly functioningI'm playing with the kids while planning out options to kill myself. I just have the same thoughts going round and round. I took a diazepam a few hours ago, but it's already worn off.

I don't think the CMHT can do anything. It's something deep inside of me and very real.

[NanaNina]

scissors I'm sorry but you sound like you are having delusions, this thing about not deserving to be well and reducing the quetiapine will "let you feel the full force of who you really are....." Who you really are is a woman suffering from mental illness, a wife/partner and mother, and I'm sure many other things.

Maybe contact the CMHT tomorrow?

I know about doing normal things while planning suicide, but if you think you really are in danger then you must phone CMHT or crisis team. I don't know very much about bipolar but I imagine it can cause delusions? You don't deserve to be ill - none of us do - it's just the way things are, and it's shit.

[Heaveniswaiting]

Don't run please contact the crisis team today. I agree with nana that you sound very unwell and it would be good to get help now before things spiral out of control more. Do you recognise you're unwell at all?
I can relate to what you're saying about not sped serving to be well but that's the bipolar talking. You deserve the very best, really you do.
Keep talking to us please.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thank you NN and heaven. I've spent the afternoon trying to rest in bed because all the kids' noise was too much.

As for delusions....I don't know. It feels real to me. I can feel it eating at me inside. It hurts. Real, physical pain. It feels evil and wrong and sort of in control. I want to cut my stomach open and release it (but I won't because that would petrify the kids. I don't want them to be scared or anything.)

If I ring the crisis team, all they will do is tell DH to take me down for an assessment, which I don't want. I could ring the CMHT tomorrow. I'm not sure who to speak to as my CPN is away---whether I should ask for the duty worker or the cpn who k have an appointment with on Thursday. I don't want to do the 'wrong' thing and get told off.

[Bombastic123]

Could it be that the pain you feel is psychosomatic and not any badness inside you?

[dontrunwithscissors]

I don't know.

I've just eaten some cereal and now really annoyed. I've been trying to not eat anything.

[Heaveniswaiting]

Can you think of anything that usually helps you don't run? Can you be honest with your partner? And have you any prn meds you can take? Remember you deserve to be well.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have prn diazepam and zopliclone. I really don't know how to tell DH. I find it hard to put it in words to get him to understand. He doesn't seem to believe me (or rather understand) when I try to explain about the evil and rotting.

[Heaveniswaiting]

It's hard sharing stuff like that isn't it but you're doing a good job sharing on here. Are you sleeping ok?

[dontrunwithscissors]

I'm sleeping, but waking up exhausted. Not sure what I can do about that, really. It's just a walking through mud kind of constant exhaustion n

[Heaveniswaiting]

That's good you're sleeping. I find the insomnia exacerbates my symptoms. Sleep can be healing and it's a good escape. I bought a colouring book and pens yesterday which I've made a start on, with the hope that it will keep me from shopping online on the nights I can't sleep!

[Heaveniswaiting]

Btw I was previously khalessi but messed up my log in. Besides, I prefer my new name ??

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have to be in work tomorrow--a student to see and a lecture to give that I haven't even looked at for 2 years. Just taken a diazepam and curled in a ball, but the kids were shouting and screaming. I wish I could just disappear.

I'm finding it hard to keep on top of the suicidal thoughts. Feeling very impulsive, which isn't like me. I'm usually a planner.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Heaveninwaitng sounds poetic. My name is more shouting at the kids-type.