Does my new guy have serious MH Problems?

[JALG]

Hi, just some advice needed if anyone has any experience that may help. I have met a guy recently we are both divorced and have been single for 3 years. I have had an 18month relationship after my separation but then a gap of 18mths so I could sort myself out. I am somewhere in the middle of menopause (I am 51) so suffer low moods and sleep issues. I have strived to become more independent and and have a good job as well as being mum to two young girls. I have met a guy who is also dad to a young girl. He makes me feel very weird when he describes his relationship with his daughter (she is 8). He dotes on her, strokes her to sleep and says he loves it when she comes in and peels her pjs off and lies next to him for a cuddle. I have tried to suggest this is not wholly appropriate but he gets very defensive and says he is a good dad and all the time she wants this he will do it. He is very lonely and is constantly seeking attention from anyone that will give it. He is nervous and laughs after most conversations or when there is a gap in conversation. He obsesses about exercise although eats a very lazy unhealthy diet. Lastly and most importantly he had a major breakdown after his marriage ended and has been on and off citalopram. He has a cupboard full of it but claims he is not needing it anymore. He admitted to me at the weekend that his mother had been institutionalised for mental health issues and has since died. He sleeps really badly and infact snores so badly I cannot bear to sleep next to him. He enjoys an active sex life but does lots without really getting anywhere if you know what I mean. We have just spent the weekend together and I am questioning wether this guy is the sort of person I want to be around. His weird habits annoy me already and I an very concerned about the state of his mental health. I have tried telling him this weekend that I do not feel ready for a serious relationship but am happy to go out with him. I don't feel this is right now I have thought about it. I am worried he will become obsessive about me and then I will feel guilty at leaving him … any thoughts?

[ijustwannadance]

Just reading that bit about his DD made my skin crawl, even if innocent it is weird.

You gut instinct is obviously telling you that this is not a person you like enough to be in a relationship with so why bother dating.

Run for the hills.

[NanaNina]

Yes I second that ijust post. That is seriously worrying about his relationship with his 8 year old daughter. I'm a retired social worker and had a 30 year career all in Children's Services/safeguarding and if that child is really doing what he says, and he is encouraging her then I would say she is displaying sexualised behaviour and he is almost certainly sexually abusing her. Children display this kid of behaviour when they are being abused. I am not someone who sees sexual abuse "crawling out of the woodwork" by the way but that comment about the PJs makes me flesh crawl too.

I think you should follow your intuition and end the relationship.

[ijustwannadance]

It was the way it was worded;
She peels her pj's off and lies next to him for a cuddle.
Creepy. Why would she have to take them off for a cuddle?
The only time i've ever 'peeled' off my child's pj's is if they were covered in sick or she had wet the bed!

[JALG]

Thank you both - I am now thinking that I am justified in my concerns. He adores his daughter but I believe is using her to replace the love and affection that he so misses from being in a loving relationship. He is trying to keep her a baby and always talks about how sweet she is and how adorable her and her friends are. I have an 11 year old and also love her to bits but the way he speaks of his child is so gushy it make me cringe. Interestingly I know the child's mum well and her auntie, so will flag up my concerns and bid a hasty retreat. I think he is most certainly still mentally unwell - this was my major concern .

[JALG]

Sorry - I probably didn't word that quite as I should. He sleeps in the nude and said that she likes to get into bed with him and take her pjs off and lay across his back. He said he loves it - feeling her warm little body. Yes, its still sound wrong I know…

[christinarossetti]

Sounds about right. Get yourself out of there and let the little girl's other parents know your concerns, which are very valid.

[ijustwannadance]

The problem is if the child is doing it to keep her dad happy, what's next?

[christinarossetti]

Please do tell the child's mother about this. By telling you, it's like he's asking for an adult to intervene.

[ijustwannadance]

Sounds even more wrong now!

[TheoriginalLEM]

well i am on citalopram and adore my dd. i do all of those things. Not sure about the nakedness but she may well stop that soon anyway. my dd is 10 and is just starting to be wanting more privacy.

your post reads like you are worried he is a) a paedophile and b) a raving lunatic.

he may well have mh issues such as depression and anxiety . That doesn't make him a danger to anyone.

it doesn't sound like you are able to support him.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

He enjoys an active sex life but does lots without really getting anywhere if you know what I mean

You mean he can shag for ages but doesn't orgasm? That's pretty typical of being on SSRI antidepressants, which (forgive me if I'm wrong) I think Citalopram is?

[TheoriginalLEM]

yes you are right -hes on MEDICATION ffs. ltb!!

[JALG]

theoriginalLEM - thanks for your comment - yes I am worried about both of those aspects. I am sure that he may not actually cause harm willingly - but I believe that he is using his child to satisfy his need for love and reassurance and that is harmful in itself don't you think? It may be that he is desperate that she stays a baby so she 'needs him' and he feels needed - but I do not see how I can support him if he cannot even acknowledge what he is doing is unhealthy. I certainly was not critisising his use of AD's - he obviously needs him. But I do not see how after six weeks I can or should have to support him through whatever crisis he is still going through. My concerns were around the fact that his mother had serious MH issues and was just asking if his behaviour seemed to reflect that he had similar problems.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I don't mean being on Citalopram is bad! But he's told the OP that he's not taking it anymore. I was just pointing out that the sex stuff hints that he's lying.

[ijustwannadance]

I think the op was trying to figure out if a relationship with this guy was worth the hassle. She wasn't accusing him of anything, just thought some behaviours were odd and looking for explanations.

I personally would never knowingly get emotionally involved with anyone with such mental health issues and as I grew up with promlems with family members mh issues which caused my own mh to suffer. I would see it as

1. I didn't cause it.
   
2. it isn't my job to fix them
   
3. I have my own shit to deal without having to deal with any possible fallout of theirs.
   
   Selfish? Definately. But very neccessary sometimes.

[TheoriginalLEM]

what do you mean serious mh issues?

i can totally relate to not wanting dd's to grow up. That is normal.

i can't comment further

[JALG]

OK so that fits re no orgasm - he is taking the SSRI's and that is good if he needs them- although he obviously feels uncomfortable admitting it. I have taken 4 years to come through an emotionally abusive relationship - I don't need to have to deal with someone else's issues now - I need to get my head around a good way of ending our short relationship with minimal fallout.

[ijustwannadance]

If you don't think he will cope with you being honest and saying it won't work out, just tell him you thought you were over previous relationship but now realise you aren't and just need to be by yourself still.

[beefthief]

You don't owe anybody a relationship, feel free to leave him at any point and for any reason. However, I'd strongly, STRONGLY recommend leaving his mental health out of it, particularly if he's in a bad place at the moment.

The comments about his daughter seem irrelevant, unless you're accusing him of The Bad Thing?

[Muddledupme]

i struggle to believe that people think it's appropriate to lie in bed naked cuddling a naked eight year old. My children are grown up, but by the age of eight my husband always wore boxers in front of our girls.
im far from prudish but this is sexualised behaviour and I wonder if she does this to compete for his affection.

[beefthief]

Muddle, are you accusing him of being a bit paedoey? That's a big, big accusation. Think carefully before you repeat it.

[Troubletutmill]

The Mother being unwell, the depression, the meds all ok but the child removing PJ's is not right.

I think the fact a retired childrens social worker has commented on this and seems worried speaks volumes.

I would be ringing NSPCC for advice. If I was you the whole relationship between us would be the last thing I would be concerned with.

[christinarossetti]

What on earth is a 'bit paedoey'? Do you mean sexually abusing his daughter?

Op isn't 'accusing', she's expressing her concern. Surely anyone would be pleased that someone was looking out for the child in this?

[TheFuzz]

I'm a dad. Call the cops. Weird.

[Homebird8]

A naked parent and naked child of 8 having a cuddle doesn't seem weird to me. However, one of them becoming naked to have the cuddle is enough of an oddity to ring bells for me.

My DSs of 13 and 10 often see me naked as I get out of the shower and dress because they don't think I need privacy and I don't care much if they don't and come for a cuddle in passing. I haven't seen either of them naked for a couple of years because they chose not to be naked in front of anyone

I think you should raise the naked cuddles in bed with the child's mother if you know her. For this reason only I don't think your relationship can continue. His nervousness, giggling, lack of orgasm, mental health or medication aren't what makes me say this.

Once you talk with the child's mother you may feel that you personally need to take it further if you don't think she will. If she says she will report it then you may need to think about how you may be able to provide information to any investigation.