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Raging cow...

(12 Posts)
H2FSbF6 Tue 01-Sep-15 10:19:45

Greetings.

I am hoping that someone out there might have some constructive advice: I would be very, very, VERY grateful for it if so, as I feel just so stuck otherwise.

I am about 13 1/2 weeks pregnant. One child already. A history of depression- quite a long one. Unfortunately, this has often manifested as anger and irritability, which, combined with a tendency to self sabotage has not exactly helped in my career or life in general.

Pregnancy seems to make me even more irritable and angry: I just seem to be simmering with rage constantly, and barely keeping it under control.

I can't sleep, a lot of the time- I lie there and think about what a horrible person I am and always have been, how I have messed up every aspect of my life and brought nothing positive to the world. I can only get any rest or respite from this by listening to programmes on my iPod.

Today, I just can't seem to harness my mind at all: the smallest thing seems to set me off again. There are a number of stressors going on in the background which I won't go into as this would become too long: but nothing I shouldn't be able to cope with.

I feel like running away- but I can't, of course.

What are the alternatives?

Thank you in advance for any insight or advice you may be able to offer.

H2FSbF6 Tue 01-Sep-15 11:05:30

No? Perhaps I should have chosen a more attention-seeking title. Oh, well.

I feel slightly better for the whinge at least. And, if anyone else has the same problem, please feel free to PM me, maybe we can help each other at least, if you don't want to discuss it publicly.

NanaNina Tue 01-Sep-15 14:06:57

Hi there - I'm feeling pretty shit today so don't know how much help I can be. Are you on any meds for depression - I know there are some you can take when you're pregnant. Could you have antenatal depression? Was this a planned pregnancy? Sorry for all the Qs just trying to get more of a feel about what's going on.

I'm a grandmother but suffer from depression and anxiety (longish history) and getting worse as I get older so I know the torment of this fucking awful illness. Do you have RL support. Would the HV/midwife be of any help/support.

Sorry that's a crap post but all I can manage today.

UnbelievableBollocks Tue 01-Sep-15 16:57:54

I have a mental illness and I remember being unreasonably angry on and off throughout my pregnancy, but friends without any MH problems had the same, I think pregnancy hormones are responsible for a lot of rage!

Speak to your midwife or GP about how you're feeling. There should be some access to perinatal mental health support, though this is patchy across the country. Other options may be something like massage or swimming - something that could relax you and is suitable for someone who is pg.

I can tell you're simmering by your second post!

MummySparkle Tue 01-Sep-15 17:24:42

Talk to your GP, there may be some meds you can take when you're pregnant, and they will be able to offer some support.

I quite often turn into a raging cow when my mood is low.

H2FSbF6 Wed 02-Sep-15 12:35:43

Thank you all... I think maybe I had better speak to my GP. Some of the rage is probably just lack of personal space- had a visitor for four days and, without wanting to be a bitch, it meant that I had zero me time. My OH has also had major competitions every weekend lately, plus had a business trip away for more than a week, so it's been a while since I've been able to get any cleaning/tidying done, let alone do anything selfish..! (We don't have any family to help out with childcare etc.)

Not on any meds, came off Sertraline in the Spring. Feeling a failure just contemplating taking them again. sad

Just got reduced to tears by something silly, still a bit weepy. Luckily I work on my own most of the time, but unfortunately this was outside and I couldn't stop the tears until I was back in my office again. Gah.

featherandblack Wed 02-Sep-15 13:27:27

nananina you're always so caring and thoughtful towards everyone - you contribute lots here and I'm sure you do in real life as well. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

OP I had this too in pregnancy. Don't have anything to suggest other than you need a break from people and responsibility and your OH should facilitate this regardless of hobbies.

flowers

NanaNina Wed 02-Sep-15 14:50:38

featherandblack thank you SO much - I used to contribute a lot in RL but not for the past few years as have had depression and anxiety (used to be intermittent) but this year been more or less daily, lucky if I get about 6 good days a month. I'm due to have ECT and am scared stiff of it but also scared of feeling so shit every day. Usually get better in evening.

H2FSbF6 sorry - don't mean to hi-jack your thread. Glad you're feeling a bit better and are going to see the GP. I don't understand why people feel a failure for taking meds for MH issues. I feel guilty, and even ashamed that I feel so crap and can't be the person I used to be, so maybe you have similar feelings about taking ADs. It's a deceitful illness because it makes us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.

H2FSbF6 Wed 02-Sep-15 15:55:07

NanaNina please don't apologise- you have been very kind, and I can see that you are a truly good and kind person. If you feel you are less able to contribute to other people now that you are ill, I would suggest that you should feel no guilt whatsoever about it. I hope that you are receiving support now yourself. Have you had any ECT in the past?

I feel a failure because I demonstrably am, in many ways: and I don't even get to feel slightly better because I am a nice person (at least) - because I'm not. I am too seethingly angry to be kind and thoughtful most of the time. Meds might change how I feel about that, but I don't know whether they would change the truth, IYSWIM.

watermaid Sun 06-Sep-15 10:09:39

Hello! H2FSbF6 (sorry if I haven't copied that properly!) I am so happy you have posted smile I am off my sertraline, am 7 weeks pregnant and am also simmering with black rage, can't sleep and am ranty, irritable and pretty manic. When I am depressed I become very agitated, am not one to take to my bed, although I do think it would be better for everyone if I did!

My sis has just visited and brought the usual host of family angst and has triggered me terribly, am fighting with anyone in the same room as me but I can't seem to help it. And, fwiw, I swim regularly, it doesn't do anything for me when I am this far in the Pit of Doom so yes, exercise is great for MH but doesn't always work does it.

After practically breaking up my marriage this morning I am now a weeping mess and trying to find some help here while placating DS2 with quavers... Am so glad I found you! At least now I know the crap in our house recently is probably because of me and not DH (or my sis, my brother, the postman, the neighbour or the neighbours cat). DH doesn't get it though, he doesn't see mental illness, he just sees me being awful and engages with it so we fight and fight. My poor children.

You aren't a failure, you're just a person smile You are a nice person I am sure, it's just hidden under the rage. I totally get it and am here, seething away too. We can seethe and rant together maybe, then the poor creatures (they aren't poor creatures, they are wildly irritating ;)) won't have to listen to the bile. I too feel like an awful person. I tell myself that this seething evil is the real me that the sertraline masks. That this is the true reality and I should learn to deal with it. It's not true tho, it's a bit bonkers reading it back .

Oh hellfire, I can't wait to see my psych on Tuesday. I haven't seen her since I came off my meds. I need more and I need them NOW before i lose everything important to me.

it'll be ok. Can you really not consider getting back on the meds? Can you imagine the conversation we might be having in a month or so if we both got on medication tomorrow? Do you think we'll still hate the world or be a bit calmer?

take care flowers

watermaid Mon 07-Sep-15 12:45:47

Just to update for you: I went to see my lovely GP today and acknowledged that I am not coping on my meds and have been prescribed new ad's that will see me through being pg and bf afterwards. She was so kind and now my DH knows I am not Evil, just pregnant and depressed.

I hope this helps you get some help? Since realising the rage is from me rom coming on here yesterday, not caused by other people, I have felt a lot more able to cope (although the rage is still there, i am desperately keeping it buttoned up while waiting for the meds to work).

I have also been given a teeny dose of diazepam to see me through the agitation. I am sharing this to let you know that there is help and kindness out there, and that you deserve to seek it out.

Good luck flowers

H2FSbF6 Wed 09-Sep-15 10:25:06

Hullo, watermaid- sorry for the total silence, I haven't been on Mumsnet for several days. Sorry you've been dealing with the same thing as me, but thank you for taking the time to talk about it on here!

Weirdly I've been doing a bit better in the last week: my energy levels seem to be returning (I'm about 14 weeks now I think). Since I am up to doing more I find I am busier and so have less time to flop about feeling crap and brooding about the multiple ways in which I and my life suck. It's still there, mind, and my other half still annoys me (lazy, selfish git!), but I'm not quite so overwhelmed. So I feel I might stand a chance of turning some stuff around. Maybe.

Perhaps we are both better when we are doing stuff, not being naturals at relaxing?

And, snap- family angst will do it every time. Think that was a big trigger for me too, lately- mum and sister having a big barney and me stuck in the middle. Ugh.

Anyway, good luck with the new meds: what are they, if you don't mind me asking?

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