Greetings.
I am hoping that someone out there might have some constructive advice: I would be very, very, VERY grateful for it if so, as I feel just so stuck otherwise.
I am about 13 1/2 weeks pregnant. One child already. A history of depression- quite a long one. Unfortunately, this has often manifested as anger and irritability, which, combined with a tendency to self sabotage has not exactly helped in my career or life in general.
Pregnancy seems to make me even more irritable and angry: I just seem to be simmering with rage constantly, and barely keeping it under control.
I can't sleep, a lot of the time- I lie there and think about what a horrible person I am and always have been, how I have messed up every aspect of my life and brought nothing positive to the world. I can only get any rest or respite from this by listening to programmes on my iPod.
Today, I just can't seem to harness my mind at all: the smallest thing seems to set me off again. There are a number of stressors going on in the background which I won't go into as this would become too long: but nothing I shouldn't be able to cope with.
I feel like running away- but I can't, of course.
What are the alternatives?
Thank you in advance for any insight or advice you may be able to offer.
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
Raging cow...
H2FSbF6 · 01/09/2015 10:19
Thank you all... I think maybe I had better speak to my GP. Some of the rage is probably just lack of personal space- had a visitor for four days and, without wanting to be a bitch, it meant that I had zero me time. My OH has also had major competitions every weekend lately, plus had a business trip away for more than a week, so it's been a while since I've been able to get any cleaning/tidying done, let alone do anything selfish..! (We don't have any family to help out with childcare etc.)
Not on any meds, came off Sertraline in the Spring. Feeling a failure just contemplating taking them again. 
Just got reduced to tears by something silly, still a bit weepy. Luckily I work on my own most of the time, but unfortunately this was outside and I couldn't stop the tears until I was back in my office again. Gah.
nananina you're always so caring and thoughtful towards everyone - you contribute lots here and I'm sure you do in real life as well. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
OP I had this too in pregnancy. Don't have anything to suggest other than you need a break from people and responsibility and your OH should facilitate this regardless of hobbies.
Hello! H2FSbF6 (sorry if I haven't copied that properly!) I am so happy you have posted :) I am off my sertraline, am 7 weeks pregnant and am also simmering with black rage, can't sleep and am ranty, irritable and pretty manic. When I am depressed I become very agitated, am not one to take to my bed, although I do think it would be better for everyone if I did!
My sis has just visited and brought the usual host of family angst and has triggered me terribly, am fighting with anyone in the same room as me but I can't seem to help it. And, fwiw, I swim regularly, it doesn't do anything for me when I am this far in the Pit of Doom so yes, exercise is great for MH but doesn't always work does it.
After practically breaking up my marriage this morning I am now a weeping mess and trying to find some help here while placating DS2 with quavers... Am so glad I found you! At least now I know the crap in our house recently is probably because of me and not DH (or my sis, my brother, the postman, the neighbour or the neighbours cat). DH doesn't get it though, he doesn't see mental illness, he just sees me being awful and engages with it so we fight and fight. My poor children.
You aren't a failure, you're just a person :) You are a nice person I am sure, it's just hidden under the rage. I totally get it and am here, seething away too. We can seethe and rant together maybe, then the poor creatures (they aren't poor creatures, they are wildly irritating ;)) won't have to listen to the bile. I too feel like an awful person. I tell myself that this seething evil is the real me that the sertraline masks. That this is the true reality and I should learn to deal with it. It's not true tho, it's a bit bonkers reading it back .
Oh hellfire, I can't wait to see my psych on Tuesday. I haven't seen her since I came off my meds. I need more and I need them NOW before i lose everything important to me.
it'll be ok. Can you really not consider getting back on the meds? Can you imagine the conversation we might be having in a month or so if we both got on medication tomorrow? Do you think we'll still hate the world or be a bit calmer?
take care
Just to update for you: I went to see my lovely GP today and acknowledged that I am not coping on my meds and have been prescribed new ad's that will see me through being pg and bf afterwards. She was so kind and now my DH knows I am not Evil, just pregnant and depressed.
I hope this helps you get some help? Since realising the rage is from me rom coming on here yesterday, not caused by other people, I have felt a lot more able to cope (although the rage is still there, i am desperately keeping it buttoned up while waiting for the meds to work).
I have also been given a teeny dose of diazepam to see me through the agitation. I am sharing this to let you know that there is help and kindness out there, and that you deserve to seek it out.
Good luck
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.