I'm struggling and need a hand to hold

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. My last thread got deleted so I don't know what to say.

I am exhausted and struggling and the thought of another day home alone with the kids fills we with dread.
I need a few days off my life. DP won't let me, so I'm stuck in this rut that I'm really not coping with,

I don't know what to do to get out of this

[NanaNina]

So sorry mummyS you are having such a hard time. I should know as I've seen your posts on the MH boards but my memory is crap. Is your diagnosis depression/anxiety and you have 2 young children? Both pre-schoolers? Is your DP always out cycling. If I've got that wrong and mixing you up with someone else - sorry.

What meds are you on? Have you got a good GP who might be able to change meds/increase dose or referral to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and treatment. When you say DP "won't let you" have a few days off, do you mean he won't look after the children (though assume he works full time?) If you can find someone to care for the children, he can't stop you from having a few days to yourself. It sounds like you need to get assertive with him - I know that's so difficult when we are struggling with MH stuff but he's just not being fair to you.

Anyone in RL (friends/family) who could take the kids for a day or two or offer support to you.

Sorry can't be more helpful, but here to hold your hand.

[MummySparkle]

Thank you Nina Yes that's me DS is 2.7 and DD is 15mos. And my DP goes off cycling at least once a week if not twice My diagnoses are Depression, and borderline personality disorder. I suffer with anxiety, although I'm not sure it's been formally written down down. And I'm waiting for an adult autism assessment.

DP works part time, he is a dog walker so is out during the middle of the day, but gets home early and doesn't leave til late.

I jus can't make him understand how much I need a break. He gets in from cycling and expects me to do everything because 'he's tired' (more often than not he's back after the kids bedtimes anyway)

He goes out for a whole day each week and gets away from it all. What I want most in the world is a whole day where I can shut myself on my cellar craft room and not be disturbed.

My GP is lovely, I've just had an appt with my consultant, she's said I can up my quetiapine from 100 to 150 if I choose to. I'm also on 100 sertraline which I want to come off. I want to come off all my mess really because I've put so much weight on. None of my clothes fit.

I'm doing the dog walking today and DP is staying home with the kids. So at least I won't have a whole day of screaming. It's the closest I'll get to a break.

[MummySparkle]

Is anybody about tonight?

DP and I were meant to be going away for the weekend. He's just said he doesn't want to go because I've 'been a bitch' all week. He is tired because he got up at 5am to go cycling with his friends all day, they went to someplace new and he's taking it out on me. He doesn't know about the overdose I took at the weekend (it's all out of my system now, I'm fine)

I feel like utter crap. I want to run away, I want to OD again. I. Don't want to die, I just want to be completely out of it for a few days. I can't cope. It's either that or I go away by myself for a few days. Check into a hotel and sleep, watch shit TV and knit. The house is a mess because we are halfway through a load of DIY and I am too tired to finish flat pack building tonight.



DP has just apologised for being ratty with me tonight. He has forced me to mine to bed and has his arm around me so he would know if I got up again. He does care. But I feel small and scared and trapped.

[NanaNina]

Hope you're asleep by now mummyS - sorry but your DP sounds like he is not in the least supportive and calling you a bitch is emotional abusive really. He seems to do as he likes (whole days out cycling) and leaving you with 2 LOs. 2 DC under 2.5 is tough even without depression. You say he's a "dog walker" - is that his occupation? If so it sounds a very relaxed job - and should leave him plenty of time to help with the children. Sorry I know this isn't helping but I just feel angry that you are feeling so crap and he's not helping or even trying to understand that you're in a very dark place.

Are you on meds? Do you think you could have PND (given you have a 5 month old?) sorry if I've asked you this before but I know you've been struggling for a long time. Why don't you go away by yourself for a few days - book into a Travel Lodge and sleep etc. DP would have to look after the children then, but is he capable of this. Thing is as well when we are depressed we want to run away but the depression comes along with us.............but you definitely need a break. Is there anyone who you could stay with - friends/family. Do you have any RL support.

Are you in the UK? Don't know why I ask that - just wondered.

Sorry I can't be more helpful - forget the DIY - I think DP complains about the house being a mess doesn't he and did you say he had depression too but I might have that wrong. Take care and don't think of ODing again, and it's best not to mention it on here, as it can trigger others to think of doing the same thing, if you see what I mean.

I'll check back in tomorrow

[MummySparkle]

Thank you nananina

I managed to get some sleep in the end, still feeling exhausted this morning. I take Quetiapine and Sertraline, I'm not sure they're particularly helping, they're just making me fat :( I do have PND, DD is 15months now, but I was diagnosed when she was about 4 months.

DP and I have talked a bit this morning, i think he understands how I'm feeling a bit better. He's been a bit more sympathetic. He's said he's not going to go riding more than once a week, and he is going to fuel his body better. He eats junk food all day and then wonders why his body shuts down the day after

DS is at nursery this afternoon and our new sofa is being delivered, so that's exciting! I need to clean the kitchen so they have a clear path to bring it to the lounge, and hopefully I'll get a chance to finish building the bathroom cabinet whilst it's just me and DD. I know I should rest, but if I rest then my head starts thinking again, so I need to keep myself busy.

[WanderingTrolley1]

Hi, Mummy.

How's your day gone? You say your DS went to nursery, which must have eased the pressure off a little.

I have 2 LOs, too. DS is 2 and a half, DD is 1 and a half. I'm also depressed and, like you, get zero time to myself.

It's very hard, isn't it?

My DS goes to nursery 5 days, so it's just little lady to occupy most of the time, yet I still struggle. My DP works long hours. Weekends are harder for me as, for some reason, I look forward to maybe having a little break, but it never happens.

Sympathies

[MummySparkle]

Thanks WanderingTrolley

Today has been a little better. The morning was hard as I think DP is coming down with something after being out in the rain all day yesterday. On the plus side, he didn't actually leave until far later tha he should have, so that helped.

DS was at nursery in the afternoon, DD fell asleep in her car seat on the way back and didn't wake up until I got back from collecting DS. DS asked for pasta for tea and that woke DD up. I went upstairs to get her, as soon as I picked her up she started saying 'papbaa papbaa' (pasta pasta) which was very cute.

We had a new sofa delivered today - it's soooooo comfy, so DP and I vegged out and watched TV on it all evening.

I did a car bedtime with the DCs as I had I go a feed a cat. Driving by myself the intrusive thoughts started to creep in again. When I feel low my head automatically switches to visions of me doing things to hurt myself in various ways. And because I'm feeling low it's hard to distract from them and tell myself they are just passing thoughts.

It is so hard having DCs so close together isn't it? It seemed like such a good idea; they'd be friends, be interested in the same things, play together when they're older. But at the moment it's hell. I love them dearly, but both of them are so demanding and so noisy. I have noise sensitivities and when they are both going I just want to hide somewhere silent for a while.

My goal for tomorrow is to have a shower, because I literally can't remember when I last had one. The end of last week was a bit of a blur, but I know I haven't had one this week. I feel gross, but at the same time I kinda don't care, it doesn't really matter to me at the moment. Baby steps. I'd like to finishe the bathroom cabinet, but that involves drilling which I can't do on my own with the DCs and I can't do after they're bed time as its right next to DS's room. Hopefully DP will play with them for a bit when he gets home so j can finish it then.

Thank you for replying - it helps to know in totally alone [cuppa]

[slicedfinger]

to you OP.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I agree with nana that he sounds emotionally abusive. I suffered from depression on and off long ago when I met my H, turns out I have bi-polar, but this meant that I didn't realise fully for years how much of my depression was down to my H. (I divorced him - eventually - but the DC were grown before I fully realised what was going on.)

So I'm just wondering whether increasing your meds is not really addressing the underlying issues.

Whatever the cause of our depression, even though I'm recovered now I still remember very clearly what it was like. The shower thing - even though I knew I'd feel better if I had a bath or a shower, could I get myself to have one? The 2 ways I found that worked: wait till I had an impulse to shower, then run to the bathroom in the 10 seconds before the impulse wore off; run a bath - then have a coffee - then get in because - well - the bath was already run!

Raising a late night/early morning to you, OP.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

to be clear, the first strategy ends with me having run to the bathroom, and getting under the shower :)

[MummySparkle]

Thanks all

I guess I panic a lot. I spent over a year in psych hospitals as a teenager. I was really ill and I'm scared I'll end up in that frame of mind again. I nearly didn't make it through then.

When I met DP I was still only just recovering, despite me being out of hospital for a few years. I can honestly say I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for him. For all of his flaws he is caring, and he does look after me. It's very easy to moan about all of his flaws and ignore the good. And I can be really horrible to him too.

I'm feeling pants again this morning. I spent half the night in DS's bed because he was cold in the night. I'm very stiff and achey this morning from being cramped up in the cotbed again.

DP and I have agreed to swap, he's going to do the house and I'm going to walk the dogs. I should shower, but it kinda seems pointless of I'm going to get wet and muddy anyway. I think I will though. Maybe I'll feel a bit better for it.

[MummySparkle]

Well, my mood has been all over the place today. I've been hyper, sad, angry, lots of angry, frustrated, and numb. I've got this burning urge inside me to get stuff done, but my body is crying out for rest. I've just built a flat-pack wardrobe by myself. Now I need to clear a space move all the dirty laundry out of the way for it to go and get DP to help me stand it up, then put the doors on. I am considering a late night trip to the supermarket to buy coathabgers, because we seem to have run out (dog / children have destroyed them all) so that I can actually hang my clothes in it.

Have a feeling I might be a bit manic, but I need to do everything tonight. Must. Get. Stuff.done.

DP an I have decided on one night away over the weekend rather than 2. MIL is having both kids in the afternoon, so I'm going get my hair cut and buy some new jeans. The. Maybe come home and do some more sanding if it's not raining. I want the house to be done before we go away on Saturday. Gotta keep doing stuff, gotta keep busy

[NanaNina]

Oh mummyS you do sound a bit manic, and you say you've been "all over the place" today - do you know what you're angry about? Hope you aren't going to the supermarket for coathangers (!) Hope you can slow down and not tire yourself out....you've been talking of being exhausted and in need of sleep, so not the time to rush about really.

Why does the house have to be done before you go away on Saturday - please try and relax which will give you the best chance of enjoying your night away.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Yes you do sound a bit manic. Can you check with someone close who you trust, and see what they think? (FWIW my DM was the first to notice when I began to become hypomanic last year, as I was talking non-stop on the phone at to her.)

[MummySparkle]

My mum is unfortunately not so much of a 'dear' mum. And she's on holiday, OMG with all of my family apart from my grandma, but she's been acting weird lately. I should have gone to see her whilst everyone else was away, but she annoyed me last time I saw her and I can't be bothered with the aggro.

The stuff doesn't have to be done, but I really want it to be done. If the house is done the house will be happy and I will be happy. I know I'm only projecting into the house, and even when it's done, it won't be done and it will never be tidy and then I'll move on to something else. Kitchen REsLLY needs painting with gloss paint. The 'by-the-bucket' budget landlord magnolia is not standing up to having tomato pasta thrown at it on a daily basis. Tempted to do the lounge with gloss paint too as I'm sick of scrubbing all the magnolia off as I scrub DSs 'artwork' off it.

Had to take a break from doing stuff because DD stirred and I had to dream feed her as I type this

She's just dropped off again. I'm off to my craft room I. The basement to frame a poster of some sheep that I've been meaning to do for years. DP wants to take my craft room as a man cave as its a mess. I have a month to sort it out. Might as well start tonight.
Need to text my CPN to ask if I can go in and see her tomorrow as we're still around in the afternoon (I nacelles the appt earlier in the week as I thought we'd be away)

Just had to force myself to take my night mess. I feel somewhat invincible so I don't need my mess. Luckily something in me forced me to take them, because I get even more rage if I miss a dose. Not really sure what I was angry about today, just felt angry at everything.

I just went into the kitchen and the fresh load of bread I bought today smelled A-Mazing! Just been dancing around the kitchen in my undies eating some - poppy seeds everywhere - oops!!

[NanaNina]

MummyS I'm worried about you. You sound even more manic and that's not good. Have you had any episodes of manic moods before? And DH wants a man cave - e.g. to hide away in so he doesn't have to look after the kids or help you.

Please take notice of what we are saying MummyS you have been very down and exhausted and now you are very manic and that's not good. I know you might be enjoying this feeling after being so low, but it could (though not necessarily) mean that this is another facet of your mental health issues.

You don't need to be framing pictures at this time of night nor dancing around the kitchen in your undies - you need to get to sleep. Please if you read this, go to bed, and please get hold of your CPN tomorrow and tell her how you are feeling. Think you don't need meds is another sign that you are getting out of touch with reality. I don't want to scare you mummyS but I'm worried about you.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

sending hand-holds and the kind of gentle hugs that make you feel cosy and sleepy.
sleep is good for girlies with too much buzzing in their heads.
speak to the cpn tomorrow, that's a good plan.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Do please speak to your CPN. Things can slip out of control without you even noticing.

How is your sleep? Make sure you eat - the bread sounds nice :)

[MummySparkle]

I've crashed. Sheep picture didn't fit in the frame, then I sat in the craft room for about half an hour before mustering the energy to climb upstairs to bed.

I feel hideous this morning, I was completely mad last night. I have 3 hours to fill before I can leave here to take the DCs to MILs

CPN just replied, I'm going to see her at 3.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I'm relieved to hear this. What do you feel up to doing? A walk round the block with DC? Vegging in front of kids TV with them? Something gentle...

[MummySparkle]

Just had half an answerphone message from MIL, saying she wasn't well and then it cut off. Have a feeling she's going to say she can't have the kids today :(

[MummySparkle]

Oops, posted too soon. DP is on the phone at the moment, but once he is done we are all going to take our dog for a walk over the fields. Have been vegging in front ofh the TV so far this morning.

I am eating okay, eaten more of the bread this morning. It's still yummy :)

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Whatever happens, seeing your CPN today is very important.

I'm waiting for the plumber to come and fix my boiler, then going to the dentist - what a glamourous life I lead

[MummySparkle]

Our 'short walk' turned into and hour and a half hike, but it was nice, if a little hard work. DS napped in the buggy and Dd napped in the sling so they've both woken up refreshed.

MIL isn't well, she's having. A nap at. The moment, going to call us later if she's up to having DS.

We are all going to the shopping centre so that I can get my hair cut (I had to resort to an Alice band yesterday so I could see to built the wardrobe!!) and then I'm going to my appointment. After that were hopefully going to drop DS and DogDog off and have an early night ready to get up early in the morning.

I do feel a lot better now I've woken up an bit. Still feeling fragile, I feel like my moods are a bit all over the place and can change at any minute

[NanaNina]

Agree with silvery (hello!) it's important you see your CPN today, but glad to hear you are calmer today. Let us know how you are later.