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I keep on trying but getting nowhere

(1 Post)
Isthisit2015 Fri 14-Aug-15 21:41:40

I'm really not sure if I am depressed or not. I certainly feel worthless.

I am mid fifties and when I look back at my life it all seems so pointless. I had a long marriage from university onwards for 30 years to a man who ultimately despised me, cheated on me and is now happily remarried. I can't bear the idea of letting anyone close to me ever again.

I was made redundant just before my marriage broke down and have not worked regularly for five years though I have had some short term jobs in various fields. I know that I was pretty crap at my job and stand no chance at getting back into that field as it all depends on your contacts. I try lots of different things but I just can't find anything I feel I am a good fit for and I can't keep my energy and enthusiasm going.

I have teenage DC. I think I am at best an indifferent mother. I try hard, but they would rather be with their cheating father as he is more fun than me and buys them lots of things. I am the boring one who delivers meals, does housework and moans about homework and tidiness.

I feel incredibly scarred by life. If I had known at 20 what I know now, I frankly would not have done any of it. It really has been a life wasted (and yes people always say, "but you wouldn't have your children" but that is such a platitude. The world doesn't need more people). I feel that I am always the dull one. I have friends and I make myself go out with them, but no-one particularly close and a lot of them are ex couple friends who feel sorry for me. I fantasise about not being accountable to or responsible for anyone, being able to get on a plane to the other side of the world where no-one knows me or expects anything of me. If the plane crashed on the way to the other side of the world, so much the better as the struggle would be over.

So here I am: trying with work, trying with my DC and trying with a social life and none of it really bears fruit. I keep thinking that sooner or later I must get a break, but it's a long time in coming!

I have toyed with the idea of asking for AD's to see if that will change how I feel, but the fundamental facts are not going to be changed by taking drugs.

Does this sounds like depression?

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