I had a horrible row with my DH last night during which I was so frustrated by his complete lack of understanding of why I was upset that I hurt myself by hitting my head on a desk and a door, and by cutting my arm with scissors. I feel so ashamed today, not least because I'm having to hide my arm (and bruises on my head) from work colleagues. I feel like I've just undone more than 7 years of not doing this (with a couple of head hitting exceptions).
I've had a look online and one of the bits of advice I found was to think about the things which have made me stronger and able to resist doing things like this, and to be honest, the main thing has been my relationship. After last night I feel like I've broken something and now I don't have that to keep me strong any more. My DH's reaction (he'd had a few beers, in fairness) was that I was a 'fucking psycho', and then to walk away, although he was nice to me later. He still doesn't understand why I was upset - and me being 15 weeks pregnant didn't make any difference to the situation at all. I feel like I've ruined everything.
I'm starting a course of self-lead therapy with the NHS on Monday, which I referred myself to earlier this year after quite a long bout of depression, although at my assessment appointment a month ago I said I definitely wouldn't consider hurting myself. Now I feel like I've just slipped back in time and am wondering if I'm even fit to be a parent. I feel no connection whatsoever with the baby inside me although it's all I've wanted for all my adult life, and I'm scared that I'll just hurt it or that it'll think I'm a fucking psycho, too.
Just wondering if anyone has had a relapse of self harming and any advice to offer? I'm sure I'll feel better in a few days but right now am feeling so sad and a bit desperate. It's not something I can talk to any of my friends or family about, and DH made it quite clear last night that I can't talk to him either
I really feel for you, the last time I hurt myself my partner didn't understand either and I felt very helpless because I had no one else to turn to. I felt like I was being stupid and that I was complaining about nothing.
It's brilliant that you're trying the therapy, sometimes it's the only way of getting back to normal. I'm planning to start counselling soon. I hope you do well with yours, stick at it!
Don't beat yourself up for self-harming, be proud of yourself for starting therapy. Maybe let things calm down and then approach your partner again.