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Can't cope, feel like I need to be locked away

(10 Posts)
freddyfucktard Tue 28-Jul-15 22:06:29

I have weaned off citalopram recently but I'm really not coping. Everyday seems like such a mission to get through, I have been diagnosed a manic depressive almost 9 years now. I really don't want to have to go back on the tablets again, I hate having to be medicated just to get through a day but I can't do it! I'm scared to tell my family how I am feeling because I don't want them to know how low I am feeling, they seem to believe the front I put on most of the time when inside I feel like screaming but that also means they forget that I am actually ill with an illness that won't go away! I feel so lost! I took an overdose years ago and nearly died from it so I saw what my family went trough when they were told to prepare for me not to make it and I wouldn't put them through that again but it doesn't stop me wanting to do something stupid. Sorry if this is just jibber jabber, needed somewhere to vent

NotAJammyDodger Tue 28-Jul-15 22:19:30

Hi. Have you weaned off with your doctors support / advice?
I thought that bipolar (II) disorder is generally something that requires on-going medication? Are you taking anything for the highs as well (or have you stopped this as well)? Are there other medications you can explore with your doctor? Sorry, it's just every time a family member does this (on her own / not with doc's advice, usually because she thinks she is better so no longer needs the meds) she tends to crash badly as a result - the cycle of taking / not taking her meds really creates so much havoc and distress for her as a result.

freddyfucktard Tue 28-Jul-15 22:31:14

Yes it was with doctors instructions as we wanted to try for another baby an I said I refuse to be on the tables anymore so he said he would help but I feel like I have crashed and burned as you say. My highs are ok, I can control them better, I just can't control the lows and the switch from hi to low is so drastic, no gradual change. Honestly I think it was a stupid idea coming off my tablets, I obviously need them. I just don't know what to do now. I think I need to accept the fact that I am going to be medicated for a verrrry long time if I was to have a happy life

freddyfucktard Tue 28-Jul-15 22:33:09

And regarding other medication, the doctors actually wanted to put me onto something stronger (I was on the highest dose of citalopram) but I think the doctor only agreed to help me because he thought he had to or I would go it alone

kavv0809 Tue 28-Jul-15 22:36:21

Please keep talking to your doctor or specialist. My sister is currently in hospital under section because she was non compliant with her medication and felt she could gauge her own dosage. I hope everything works out for you, I know how hard it is to navigate the mental health system.

freddyfucktard Tue 28-Jul-15 22:42:18

The doctors are usually good with sorting me out as soon as I go there. I just wish I didn't have to be on them but I guess I don't have a choice

NotAJammyDodger Tue 28-Jul-15 22:47:54

Please don't hide behind 'a front'. You need to be well and your family will want you well too. 'Keeping up appearances' will just grind you down in the end. Do see your doctor and discuss. I take meds for depression but I know that I am not depressed anymore. However, I will continue to take a maintenance dose because I get the odd wobble and holistically my life is so much better now than it was when I was depressed.

I take tablets for other physical, longterm conditions so figure what's a few more to have good mental health grin.

freddyfucktard Tue 28-Jul-15 22:55:47

That's a great way to look at it. I think it hurts so much because I don't feel like we can try for another baby now, I was on my tablets when I was pregnant with my youngest and he was born with congenital heart disease so I did some research and found out that the tablets can cause it (try not to blame yourself after reading that) so I'm terrified of having another baby if I have to be on them again. I know it's silly an I should think of my own health before any future children but before I came of the tablets I felt good and ready, it's like a kick in the teeth realising that it was the tablets that made me feel that way

NotAJammyDodger Wed 29-Jul-15 21:39:08

Please don't blame yourself about whether the tablets did or did not cause your baby's problems. Lots of women take ADs whilst pregnant without any adverse effect on the baby (I did) and there is a fairly recent thread on this.

If the tablets will improve your mood they are worth considering. You can discuss what to do when you get pregnant later. It also worth noting that if you didn't take during pregnancy you might have ended up with prenatal depression. Take things one day at time and deal with the here and now first flowers

freddyfucktard Thu 30-Jul-15 23:18:59

Thank you, I am really considering going back on them, i know they will help. It's just a really tough decision to make, thank you for your supportflowers

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