I'm sorry to post again but struggling to deal with this. Keeps waking me up too early, making me feel panicked and sort of tingle all over and shake whenever it pops into my head. I am livid about this; but I know I have no voice and the horrible trapped condemned feeling is making just feel hopeless and overwhelmed.
I went to see my GP this week because I've really been struggling. He is normally understanding, and tbh I know he can't really do anything but it helps to know there's a professionl somewhere who's updated on the situation and have a bit of support. He lamented that he couldn't refer me to the CMHT because they bounce referrals back/have asked him not to. Fine, normally he makes a joke or shares an insight from his time in mental health so I feel less rubbish and hopeless. However this time he went on about how it's my fault I can't see them because I don't trust them because of previous bad experiences!
This is the rubbish they put in my discharge letter last time. It doesn't make sense and seems horrily unfair - like saying to someone "Sorry, the last surgeon botched your operation so we won't let you see another one to correct the damage."
The thing is, I don't randomly bear a grudge against all MH professionals - I certainly don't go in there saying "You're all a bunch or bastards" or something. I am always honest, open etc. because otherwise how can they help me? Furthermore, the 'bad years'/bad treatment was almost a decade ago in a different geographical area, and I make a point of saying this and that I know the various rules and things have changed since then so clean slate as far as I'm concerned. If anything, I have form for being too forgiving and maybe trusting too much or too soon! Plus it's always me going to them for help - I am willing but they are not.
Unfortunately I can't not mention, or at least refer to, previous bad experiences becasue they are so central to my issues. I went through a lot of things that sort of hit me later - at the time I was just surviving day to day. It frightens me to look back and see how lost and vulnerabe I was, and how I fell through the cracks in the system because one organisation (MH services) ignored me/were actively unhelpful.
But even though I see that as a historical thing, they have kept repeatedy letting me down again - and yet see the problem as me feeling let down (wrote this is my notes repeatedly). Eg. having a CPN for a few months whilst waiting for therapy then randomly discharged from the CMHT altogether. Told repeatedly I was on a waiting list for therapy and to be patient, only to find out a year later I was not on the list. So obvs I do feel let down a bit by the current lot, but they've been using the "feeling let down by services" excuse to deny a service for years! Plus every time I have attempted to re-engage with them I naively believe maybe this time they will help.
The problem is they refuse to listen to me, or understand what I am saying, and put weird interpretations on things and hone in on minor things at the expense of underlying causes - and then blame me for 'not engaging'. Plus they seem to make a lot up/have a strange view, presumably due to crap in my notes from past arse-covering professionals (so it's ok if they judge based on the past/let that affect them working with me... ) They cannot grasp that I am not thick, nasty, or anything else, I just feel so dreadful it interferes with living and relationships. I know how to act, I just can't always do it. It's like telling someone with a broken leg they just need to get up and walk around. So to this end, the last person from the CMHT I saw, who when chatting seemed to really understand, was actually allocated to me to do "DBT skills". It was completely inappropriate (and tbh if they think DBT is the way they should enrol me on a proper course.) I had to keep explaining what I was actually struggling with.
It's so frustrating because they will make sympathetic noises and appear to listen but then go on to say/do something that shows they haven't listened at all. Plus they say one thing - eg. pointing out I seem to be severely depressed/this is the major presenting issue - but then trying to behaviouralise me out of it, as if I'm a naughty child. This last weekend was a really bad one, at these times I struggle to move, or form coherant sentences, and slur my words a bit. I feel cut off and distant and hopeless, and in a sort of wrenching but still dulled pain. Telling me how to interact with people just feels like chucking a few more bricks on someone who's already collapsed from the weight they're carrying. [FWIW what helped at the weekend was being allowed to just curl up on Significant Other's sofa, not talking, just a hand hold and bit of a cuddle while we watched TV. After a couple of hours I was much more 'normal'.]
I just feel really horriby condemned by services. The stuff that has happened in the past due to them has really affected me and restricted my life chances (esp. regarding patient notes and things affected by what's in them, plus being criminalised with the gleeful backing of professionals in very questionable circustances...). And so powerless, because they have the final say in this stuff and their word is taken as 'reality'. I feel sick, and frightened, and like they may have succeeded in slowly destroying me.
NB. I see a therapist privately but it feels like too little too late. I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings, so advice/experience welcome....
Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.
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Mental health
Shocked/helpless/hopeless at what the CMHT have done
elementofsurprise · 22/07/2015 13:47
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