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eless at what the CMHT have done
I'm sorry to post again but struggling to deal with this. Keeps waking me up too early, making me feel panicked and sort of tingle all over and shake whenever it pops into my head. I am livid about this; but I know I have no voice and the horrible trapped condemned feeling is making just feel hopeless and overwhelmed.
I went to see my GP this week because I've really been struggling. He is normally understanding, and tbh I know he can't really do anything but it helps to know there's a professionl somewhere who's updated on the situation and have a bit of support. He lamented that he couldn't refer me to the CMHT because they bounce referrals back/have asked him not to. Fine, normally he makes a joke or shares an insight from his time in mental health so I feel less rubbish and hopeless. However this time he went on about how it's my fault I can't see them because I don't trust them because of previous bad experiences!
This is the rubbish they put in my discharge letter last time. It doesn't make sense and seems horrily unfair - like saying to someone "Sorry, the last surgeon botched your operation so we won't let you see another one to correct the damage."
The thing is, I don't randomly bear a grudge against all MH professionals - I certainly don't go in there saying "You're all a bunch or bastards" or something. I am always honest, open etc. because otherwise how can they help me? Furthermore, the 'bad years'/bad treatment was almost a decade ago in a different geographical area, and I make a point of saying this and that I know the various rules and things have changed since then so clean slate as far as I'm concerned. If anything, I have form for being too forgiving and maybe trusting too much or too soon! Plus it's always me going to them for help - I am willing but they are not.
Unfortunately I can't not mention, or at least refer to, previous bad experiences becasue they are so central to my issues. I went through a lot of things that sort of hit me later - at the time I was just surviving day to day. It frightens me to look back and see how lost and vulnerabe I was, and how I fell through the cracks in the system because one organisation (MH services) ignored me/were actively unhelpful.
But even though I see that as a historical thing, they have kept repeatedy letting me down again - and yet see the problem as me feeling let down (wrote this is my notes repeatedly). Eg. having a CPN for a few months whilst waiting for therapy then randomly discharged from the CMHT altogether. Told repeatedly I was on a waiting list for therapy and to be patient, only to find out a year later I was not on the list. So obvs I do feel let down a bit by the current lot, but they've been using the "feeling let down by services" excuse to deny a service for years! Plus every time I have attempted to re-engage with them I
naively believe maybe this time they will help.
The problem is they refuse to listen to me, or understand what I am saying, and put weird interpretations on things and hone in on minor things at the expense of underlying causes - and then blame me for 'not engaging'. Plus they seem to make a lot up/have a strange view, presumably due to crap in my notes from past arse-covering professionals (so it's ok if they judge based on the past/let that affect them working with me... ) They cannot grasp that I am not thick, nasty, or anything else, I just feel so dreadful it interferes with living and relationships. I know how to act, I just can't always do it. It's like telling someone with a broken leg they just need to get up and walk around. So to this end, the last person from the CMHT I saw, who when chatting seemed to really understand, was actually allocated to me to do "DBT skills". It was completely inappropriate (and tbh if they think DBT is the way they should enrol me on a proper course.) I had to keep explaining what I was actually struggling with.
It's so frustrating because they will make sympathetic noises and appear to listen but then go on to say/do something that shows they haven't listened at all. Plus they say one thing - eg. pointing out I seem to be severely depressed/this is the major presenting issue - but then trying to behaviouralise me out of it, as if I'm a naughty child. This last weekend was a really bad one, at these times I struggle to move, or form coherant sentences, and slur my words a bit. I feel cut off and distant and hopeless, and in a sort of wrenching but still dulled pain. Telling me how to interact with people just feels like chucking a few more bricks on someone who's already collapsed from the weight they're carrying. [FWIW what helped at the weekend was being allowed to just curl up on Significant Other's sofa, not talking, just a hand hold and bit of a cuddle while we watched TV. After a couple of hours I was much more 'normal'.]
I just feel really horriby condemned by services. The stuff that has happened in the past due to them has really affected me and restricted my life chances (esp. regarding patient notes and things affected by what's in them, plus being criminalised with the gleeful backing of professionals in very questionable circustances...). And so powerless, because they have the final say in this stuff and their word is taken as 'reality'. I feel sick, and frightened, and like they may have succeeded in slowly destroying me.
NB. I see a therapist privately but it feels like too little too late. I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings, so advice/experience welcome....
Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.
Didn't wanna read and run. I'm so sorry you are going through this it sounds absolutely horrendous. Sorry no advice just hand hold
I hope someone will be along who will be more helpful.
It sounds like a lot has happened between you and your MH services. What I don't understand is why they'd refuse to see you because you had a bad experience with a different team? Do they think your past experiences are preventing you from engaging with them?
If you feel able to, could you argue their decision, maybe through PALS? If not, perhaps an organisation like Mind could help with some advocacy?
In my experience with MH services, you often have to fight to get the right treatment even though when you're in a position that you need their help, you're in no condition to fight for it.
Link below for Mind, see if they can help. I'm sure they have dealt with this kind of situation before.
Chapuys If I change GP, they still can't refer me because the CMHT won't accept referrals about me.
Magpie and Dogood the reason I feel so trapped, invisible and condemned without trial is because I have no way of fighting for the truth. They write the notes, they can say "In my clinical opinion" and things. They can basiclly write whatever they want, I know there are actual lies in my notes about things I've suposedly said. (One is that I apparently said I sometimes manipulate people to get what I want. I don't think this, didn't say this, and in fact am very honest/straightforward compared to others. But they think it about me so reckon they've heard me say it. Or are just lying.)
I tried to complain when the intitial crap was happening a decade ago. It got me labelled difficult and them asking why I wanted anything to do with the service. Plus the complaints people just compared what I'd written with my psych notes and decided I was lying because they didn't add up... funnily enough the person who wrote the notes left out their tirades of verbal abuse and mocking me, they had bizarre justifications for refusing me a service, not providing evidence when homeless, and lots of very nasty personal stuff written about me...
If I could just send off a complaint or contct PALS I wouldn't be posting in desperation here. Tbh I'd just like to talk to someone somewhere to understands what I'm going through. Maybe some tips on dealing with the trapped hopeless feeling?
I'm sorry to sound ungrateful, I just feel so desperate and alone with this, the worst part is no-one else knowing what it's like. I'm trying to believe I'm a worthwhile person but this makes me feel fundamentally 'bad'.
If you're not going to get help from your local service then I think your choices are looking at self help methods or getting help from a charity like Mind.
I've found WRAP (wellness recovery action planning) to be very helpful. If you google it and look on the Scottish website it should show you how to make one.
I'm so sorry that you're not getting the support you need, I can't imagine what it would be like to have things in my notes that I don't feel reflect my situation or things I've said accurately. I really would encourage you to challenge them on it but understand why that would be difficult based on what you've said.
They are doing you a favour by not accepting you. You are not the first to be psychologically abused and won't be the last. There is no better place for someone to abuse and for their targets not be believed.
I think the suggestion of finding help elsewhere is helpful.
I have been abused by the perinatal mental health service. I've now been moved over to cmht and have asked them to discharge me for similar to what you say about them pretending to listen then making it clear they haven't. They just make me worse and after what happened with perinatal I know not to hold on and hope it'll get better. I have found a private therapist who is helping me with not being able to get over the anger of what they did to me by 'confusing' the memories so that my brain re files them without all the feelings. It is working and the relief is immense. You are not alone with how you've been treated. It makes me angry that our taxes are going towards making people's mental health worse. Not even not just helping. Worse and seemingly deliberately.
If you have a history of not engaging or you display care seeking behaviours then often a cmht will not be able to offer input. The threshold is also incredibly high as there are people who have high care needs. I think reading between the lines here there is a bit more to this story and I say that as a mental health professional and as someone with a diagnosis of bipolar for 20yrs
To a non-mental health professional, it seems utterly perverse to say that "If you have a history of not engaging or you display care seeking behaviours then often a cmht will not be able to offer input."
Seeking care means the CMHT can't offer care?
And what lies between seeking care and not engaging? Surely you're either one or the other.
I'm sure these terms have more specific meaning within the field, but to an outsider, it looks like that pretty much means they don't have to treat anyone, which leaves people like OP feeling there's no way to get help.
I think you don't understand the complexity of the issue. Sometimes these behaviours can actually make the patient feel worse as eventually nobody can keep up with their demands- those demands include on the gp; crisis services; a&e etc and eventually the services 'fail' reinforcing what the patient feels about themselves and their belief nobody cares
I feel desperately sad for those with bpd- they've got sad histories where often a caregiver such as a parent has abused them and therefore failed them. Can you see the link?
However working with personality disorder is known to cause burn out in health professionals who have well meaning intentions at first but cannot keep up with increasing demands as they are in effect being set up by the patient to prove that 'nobody cares'
I see what you're saying; however, the way you phrased it and the way the mental health services seem to be communicating it to OP don't make that particularly clear to outsiders - it sounds like you're saying that asking for help is a bad thing, but also refusing help is a bad thing too. I can see it's frustrating for everyone involved.
What RealHuman said ^^ re 'care-seeking'. I am not going to address that person as I doubt my ability to do so civilly.
element as you know I have had similar experiences and so have others here. You are not alone.
MH 'services' are toxic, it's not you. Like you I keep hoping that this time they will help. Hahaha.
I feel like trying to complain/ change systems is like banging our heads against a brick wall. It only hurts us iyswim. Ugh that sounds so trite. I am so at the way the people in power are often psychopathic, and take advantage of the sensitive and vulnerable. Which you are. No matter what you did. I suspect you were desperate, not bad. I was (I got a criminal record with CMHT not opposing too). Funny how the powerful never get caught although they do far worse things. Funny how their abuse and destroying people is legally fine, although morally wrong.
The way I cope is to promise myself I will do something - no idea what, but something - to help the vulnerable and improve the MH 'care' system when I am better. On good days when I can see a future in which I am better. On bad days I can only see my life is ruined and am still suicidal.
Keep going. Sometimes getting through a day at a time, even getting out of bed and dressed is all you can do and doing it is an achievement.
Keep talking on here.
i think it's a bit of an overgeneralisation to say mh services are toxic
But I suspect some people want an argument to fit their views and then all rational thought gets lost so I'm heading off... I've seen these things so many times and it helps nobody including those who are sick who may put off seeking help because of what they hear in forums like this. Like I say I wear both badges- there's a hell of a lot of good out there who have put people back together including myself. There's always room for improvement and there's always room for self reflection
I don't think it helps anyone to call MH services toxic. Like any service there'll be good and bad. I personally wouldn't be alive or have the stable life I do without the amazing psychiatrists, psychologists and other MH workers who have guided, supported and treated me.
However, clearly the OP and others on the thread have encountered difficulties and have felt let down by the people they have turned to for help. Maybe we can move this thread forward in a positive way by continuing to make suggestions of how and where they can seek help rather than turning it into a debate or bashing session?
Woah, I'm not saying mental health services are bad or wrong, necessarily, just trying to maybe point to a possible problem with communication here.
I don't think they are talking about you realhuman! It's nice to see some more positive comments
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I understand that you're angry with the services you've dealt with but its not helpful or constructive to be aggressive towards other posters who are being supportive. I've had both positive and negative experiences with MH services but I personally would be wary of putting people off seeking help by projecting my own issues.
I think it's best to try and keep the thread supportive and helpful to the OP rather than turn it into an argument. I'm not sure how any of that is gas lighting or smug?
You imagine wrong if you think mh prof have no experience of mental illness- again it's generalising. I know I take exception to the fact you quite clearly said mh services were toxic as if fact which could stop people seeking help
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
No one has called you crazy or irrational, told you off or told you not to post. I think you're taking your anger out on the wrong people. I'm going to stop responding to you now as I don't like people being aggressive towards me and I just came here to support the OP, not be accused of all sorts and watch the thread be derailed.
Best of luck OP. I hope that some of the tips I gave earlier on will be of use to you and that you find the support you need.
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