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Suicidal now, no help available

(41 Posts)
elementofsurprise Sat 18-Jul-15 18:03:33

At all. Ever. Not allowed. Have done all the things like go to A&E etc. over the years, too ill to now. They hate me, they have made me feel like this. I needed help and they bullied and excluded me, they like to tell me i'm a shit person. The CMHT and crisis team I mean. Over ten years of trying.

I guess my time is up, i have tried a long time. No-one can love me without turning out to be abusive. No one wants me. Unless i do everything they say. it hurts so much and i cant tell anyone because i must hide it or they think i'm baad/attention seeking, or dont want to know me. I cant o they act any more. Dont want to speak to samaritns, want proper friends or partner who cares. wont ever happen, they all treat me bad so i have to leave or they leave.

Reginafalangie Sat 18-Jul-15 18:06:48

Hi op do you want to talk some more about how you ended up in the place you are now? I will listen

Grapeeatingweirdo Sat 18-Jul-15 18:07:29

You are not a bad person. You're ill and need the help you deserve, someone will be along soon hopefully with proper advice but I didn't want to read and run.

You deserve to be treated better x

Grapeeatingweirdo Sat 18-Jul-15 18:07:45

We are here for you

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 18-Jul-15 18:59:18

Hi elementofsurprise,

We're really sorry you're feeling so low.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but we'd advise anyone feeling this way to seek real life help, even if you feel it's not always helped in the past.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, elementofsurprise, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon. flowers

elementofsurprise Sat 18-Jul-15 19:03:53

Social politics. NHS Mental Health politics.

Its like there are certain humans who are nto worth as much are allowed to be treated in a way other people aren't.

elementofsurprise Sat 18-Jul-15 19:04:49

I can't deal with the things that have happened to me. I start to remember, then feel very very angry - but musnt show it - and very helpless and awful at the same time

elementofsurprise Sat 18-Jul-15 19:15:51

In short: Had a bit of a rough time growing up for various reasons. Was getting panic attack type things by the time I left school - no longer related to orginal triggers.
Tried to get help in late teens, lablelled BPD and actual issues ignored. Ignored/no help cos BPD meant exclusion in those days. Treated disgustingly by profesisionals, lied to by council housing dept when trying to escape awful living situation. Much homelessness and firing from jobs etc. Abusive people/relationship, taken advantage of etc. Got very questionsbale criminal record. Interesting the stuff I was arrsted for whilst violent people went free as I was never believed, labelled so badly.
Get it together in the end, only to have massive breakdown when I am finally 'safe'/happy. Cue MH people, passing between waiting lists, lied to, told different things, referred, discharged etc for last five years. Also cue discovery that lovely community is rife with social politics and hypocrites - weirdly more so than less apparently open minded people I used to know. Last year started private therapy. Makes me feel less rubbish about myself but world more scary, incomprehensible and terrifying. Even when understand the world, it is all just so very sad and you cant trust anyone, not safe.
Want pain to stop, no idea how. Dont seem to be any good at living.

elementofsurprise Sat 18-Jul-15 19:23:40

I'm scared i'm on the verge of psychosis. I've not had a psychotic episode before. It just seems like I'm well placed for it.... that is the pattern, so much peple can't understand and/or a long period of depression first.

I feel like the situation I'm in would drive anyone mad and Ive been strong to carry on so far and try to be nice to people always. But it is unrelenting pressure, living a lie to fit in, with all the unanswered questions and meories screaming in my brain.

Plus I have a whole theory... about second rate/beta humans. Some people are sort of 'marked'... from birth? You see kids pick on certain other kids.. these are the people I mean... I am one. The world, in various subtle and not subtle social ways, shows us we cant expect the same treatment as others, and don't deserve the same things. People who are known as nice people to most, will still treat us badly, and no-one cares or sticks up for us because they can see the 'mark' upon us too.

I know this theory sounds batshit insane but it is the ony thing that fits the evidence. I dont want ti to be true but I cant understand otherwise, if it is true my life will always be pain, people taking advantage, suddenly leaving or being nasty etc.

But I am scared if it's not true this is what the begining of psychosis looks like.

FuckingFacebookAgain Sat 18-Jul-15 19:26:26

Hey there OP

I don't have any answers at all butjust wanted to say that you're not alone

Heres a hug, it might not help, but it might xx

LikeIcan Sat 18-Jul-15 19:32:36

Hi op.

I don't really know what to say to make you feel in anyway better, but I hope just by writing everything down you'll feel a small sense of relief.
I really hope you get some decent RL support to get your life back on track, don't ever give up.
In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of virtual support .
flowers xx

Ohbollocksandballs Sat 18-Jul-15 19:36:41

OP flowers

You are not a bad person, you're just not well at the minute.

You CAN get through this. And you will find someone that deserves you, and will treat you with love and respect. Believe me it will happen for you.

elementofsurprise Sat 18-Jul-15 19:54:54

Thank you.
Thing is, I don't feel ill as such. I know that's supposed to be a dead giveaway that I am ill, but it just feels like I'm trying to make sense of things, not random feeling down/coming up with bizarre theories for no reason, iyswim.

I am vagely intereted in the non-meds treatments and support for psychosis, the idea that someone is working through stuff. That might be bollocks, of course, but it feels like I'm on the edge of that so right now could well believe it. I'm scared if I told a professional how I felt (and they didnt dismiss it as attention-seeking) they'd lock me up and force me to take meds.

I dont know how to find the answers anymore.

AndNowItsSeven Sat 18-Jul-15 20:00:46

I am crap with advice op. But none of this is your fault. Mh resources can be appalling. Please try to phone Samaritans or a friend. flowers

Blue2014 Sat 18-Jul-15 20:02:56

Element, I don't think that sounds psychotic, I think it's the only way you've been able to make sense of a world that has hurt you so much however please believe me that's not how it is supposed to be, it's not what you are destined for. People have treated you badly because of who THEY are, not because of who you are, even if they appear 'nice' it does not mean they truly are. I'm so sorry that you have had awful experiences in mental health services, these people have failed you and I am sorry for that. I promise there are people out there who will genuinely care about. I know they aren't always easy to find but they do exist and you deserve the good stuff but to find it you have to hold on right now. It will come, I believe in you

TangledUpInGin Sat 18-Jul-15 20:03:27

Whoa. Just try and be still for just a minute. I can kind of relate a little bit. Is it almost as if you're coping so well there isn't a problem, yet you're just treading water dealing with the immediate troubles? May be way off the mark and apologies if I am xx

4EverScottish Sat 18-Jul-15 20:08:25

element you aren't alone in this, I might just be a random figure on t'net but I'm here and I care.

elementofsurprise Sat 18-Jul-15 21:31:48

tangled... no not coping really. I mean, I'm alive. Thats 'coping' to the CMHT. But I spend almost all my time in my flat, often in bed, feel so weak physically now, spaced out and like my brain is disconnected from my body, is a huge mission to move. Am eating sensibly and taking some vits, although last couple of days this has slipped a bit as food is just fuel to stop pain in stomach atm.
I cant bear the future or the past. I'm not getting better, im getting worse, loosing social skills, getting more distant, more terrified of the world. I dont know how to make it better without love, and a group of frinds who i can trust/talk to. But i cannot have those things because i am not ok. its imposible.

Ohbollocksandballs Sat 18-Jul-15 22:33:12

Nobody is going to lock you up and force you to take meds.

An ex partner of mine suffers from psychosis and he said that what helps him the most, above and beyond medication is the non meds treatments. You can have those things, but you do need to focus on your own wellbeing first. When you are not looking/waiting it will come along. I thought that saying was absolute bollocks until I met DP. As for people to talk to, we are right here. Nothing is impossible. I know it seems like it now, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how distant and dim it seems now

NanaNina Sun 19-Jul-15 00:45:34

element - you have certainly been dealt a crap deal in life thus far. You are I'm certain severely depressed, but this doesn't mean you are on the "edge of psychosis" - the thing about psychosis is that when people are in this state, they don't realise that they are out of touch with reality, don't realise there is anything wrong with them. That's the nature of the illness.

elementofsurprise Sun 19-Jul-15 02:52:47

Thanks. Going to try and sleep now.

MaggieJoyBlunt Sun 19-Jul-15 03:06:13

Plus I have a whole theory... about second rate/beta humans. Some people are sort of 'marked'... from birth? You see kids pick on certain other kids.. these are the people I mean... I am one. The world, in various subtle and not subtle social ways, shows us we cant expect the same treatment as others, and don't deserve the same things. People who are known as nice people to most, will still treat us badly, and no-one cares or sticks up for us because they can see the 'mark' upon us too.

Maybe you're talking about confidence???

I know this theory sounds batshit insane but it is the ony thing that fits the evidence. I dont want ti to be true but I cant understand otherwise, if it is true my life will always be pain, people taking advantage, suddenly leaving or being nasty etc.

It doesn't should crazy, but I'm not sure it's quite right. I think the fault lies firmly with the people behaving unpleasantly and is nothing to do with the other people being inherently 'beta'.

I hope you're getting some sleep flowers

MaggieJoyBlunt Sun 19-Jul-15 03:06:45

doesn't sound crazy, I mean smile

Ohbollocksandballs Sun 19-Jul-15 08:14:51

Hope you managed to get some sleep element. How are you feeling this morning?

elementofsurprise Sun 19-Jul-15 18:44:15

I'm falling down a hole.

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