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How to deal with envy

(12 Posts)
Tfto Sun 12-Jul-15 23:44:55

I've recently got acquainted with a bunch of new people (via my daughter's school) and am struggling to deal with feelings of inadequacy and envy over people's wealth/houses. We live in a very cluttered 2-bed flat in London. We're desperate to move to a house but don't have a spare £1 million hanging about. Everyone I seem to come across has beautiful houses and apparently loads of money. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm finding it hard to stop comparing myself to them, and I feel such terrible envy towards them and wish I was able to afford what they have. I feel proud of myself that I've worked really hard to buy my own flat with no help from anyone, but I feel so hard done by and that things are so unfair. I realise this is such a first world problem and some people don't even have a roof over their heads, but it's really eating me up. How do I deal with these feelings?

Ihavenobrain Mon 13-Jul-15 12:52:11

I find this difficult too.
I really want to be grate for ever I have but when you have people around spending money willy nilly it's hard.
I just constantly have to tell myself we have our health warmth water and clothes wink

Ihavenobrain Mon 13-Jul-15 12:52:33

* grateful

NanaNina Mon 13-Jul-15 13:52:48

Not sure why this is in Mental Health?

Tfto Mon 13-Jul-15 14:24:17

Thanks and apologies if this is not in the right section. I looked through the categories and this felt the most appropriate (I suffer from anxiety and, in the past depression, and it feels related to that in my head).

Binkybix Mon 13-Jul-15 16:20:36

I live in London and feel the same even though I know we are well off. I know that thinking about it makes me unhappy but it's a habit I find hard to break, especially if it's because someone's partner earns a lot or because they have rich parents. Just seems unfair.

It's perfectly fine for someone to post about this in MH. Don't worry!

Breadwidow Sun 19-Jul-15 20:27:24

I also feel this a lot. Live in London too - maybe it's a London thing. I am feeling such envy towards one old friend of mine that I am not sure I can carry on being friends with her. Awful! its a combo of pure envy but also feeling terribly inadequate and a bit judged by her (given that I think mental health is a good section for this - I also suffer from anxiety).

She was always better off than me . Rich family etc, and married her uni boyfriend who ploughed a lucrative it career path and now earns 6 figures.

She took 18 months mat leave compared to my Measly 8 months, but due to husband's huge salary and the help they originally had from family, they have recently bought a lovely and huge nearly £1 million quid house and not sold old house (it's now let and will earn them a pretty penny long term being in central London). She has indicated concerns about to me about their huge mortgage but it can't be that bad as they've bought a lovely newish I'd say £20k at least bmw which they own along with a porche 911. I'm not even hard up, but as DH & I only own half my flat (shared ownership) which is about a third the size of her new huge home, struggle for dosh at the end of every month & don't own a car I am so jealous. My DH is SAHD at the mo (not out of choice) and she's always asking when he's going to be working again - soon we hope but these things take time when you have childcare for 2 to think about.

I am a bad person being so jealous but when last at her house I felt like I had failed and frankly I think id be in a better mental state if I never went there again!

slightlybonkers Mon 20-Jul-15 01:16:48

I find this really hard too. Although, i would probably be envious of you as we rent and all our income goes into renting!

There are parents like this at my DS's school. Some of the guff they come out with is hard to take esp. regarding private schools for secondary being an essential. Their houses are immaculate. They think nothing of having lots of help for garden / painting / cleaning. This is so alien to my mindset and upbringing as to be laughable and i find it hard to take seriously.

I feel a massive gulf that I wouldn't have noticed / cared about pre-kids.

It is all first-world problems though. You are incredibly lucky and maybe try to make friends with the more normal parents, if there are any???

NotAJammyDodger Mon 20-Jul-15 20:12:30

Just to say it isn't just about what you have, it's what you own, and what you owe.

Ok, so someone has a Porsche 911 - do they own it, have they got finance on it, are they leasing it (a popular option nowadays) for £400 pcm or have they really parted with £100k?

Nice house? 95% mortgage? interest only mortgage?

Displays of wealth can sometimes be misleading. Things aren't always what they seem, but you aren't going to know that because they sure as hell aren't going to tell you.

Breadwidow Mon 20-Jul-15 23:32:22

They own both cars outright, house has mortgage but I think more than 5% equity. There are prerty well off. I need to get over it. I do seem to care far more since having kids - wishing my children could have a big house & garden too. But it's also a bit of a judgement thing with that friend. I know other well of people but never been as bothered by it so much - think it's cos we went together I feel like a failure compared to her when I shouldn't had she got a lot of money from her parents.

Duckdeamon Mon 20-Jul-15 23:37:20

London and the commuter belt have populations with a huge spread of incomes, including a sizeable number of people with wealth, but it's not representative of the general population.

Comparing isn't great for MH!

Snog Thu 23-Jul-15 11:52:51

It's understandable to have those feelings but probably not good for you. Maybe keeping a gratitude journal would help you to refocus away from what other people have or appear to have?
Eg mine would say for yesterday I am grateful that I saw a mother duck with 7 ducklings on the river - so cute!

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