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I don't know how to fix me... Does it have to be happy pills?

(42 Posts)
Tobermory Tue 07-Jul-15 14:57:23

I don't know where to start.

I'm a mess right now and don't know how to get myself better and back to 'normal'

My job is stressful. I work ft and find it incredibly difficult (impossible?) to juggle home and the job. It's all consuming and I find it hard to successfully put my family first. Life tends to b full on Monday to Friday, we screech through the week. The then weekend when we have some family time and try to redress the balance. Back in feb I felt quite close to the edge but held it together.

Then we moved house. It was a difficult process, lots of stopping and starting. Even a week before it almost come to a halt. I was v apprehensive before we moved about the place we were moving to. We moved, leaving th house that had been my family home, both my parents had died and so it became my family's home. I'd lived there, on and off for 40 odd years (my youngest dd thinks I'm only 24 though!)

Pretty much since we moved in I've been anxious, crying a lot, feeling down. I've been to the Drs a few times , was signed off from work. I've been given some drugs, diazepam, for as and when. He offered my ADs but I'm scared of them. I've sorted out a counsellor, had one app and another on Thursday.

I thought I was feeling better. I went int school today and just wept. I feel so guilty... About the bad choices we've made, about leaving the house, disrupting my children's lives. About being messed up and how this is impacting my husband. About not being able to do a job I've done for 17 years.

I don't know how to accept what we've done and look forwards. How to get myself back to work and being able to do my job.

GourmetGold Tue 07-Jul-15 21:35:41

Hi, sorry that sounds like you under a lot of stress, I too am feeling like I'm not coping at them moment and have felt like that most of my life.

The only thing I have found that has really helped is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, using a book 'The New Mood Therapy' by Dr David Burns.
Once I realised that my own critical thoughts were really bringing me down and that answering back to them (writing things down with the exercises in the book) made me feel a lot better.
It can be hard to get yourself to do the exercises (me at the moment!) but they really do work so also helps you fight things like perfectionism...something very common that causes a lot of people a lot of unnecessary strife.
Just reading the book can make you feel like you'll be okay, the author is so kind and great sense of humour.

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 09:06:45

Thanks for your reply gourmet.
The critical thoughts feels quite key. I can recognise that thinking these things is negative but I dint know how to stop having them. How do I stop regretting or feeling guilty about what I should have done. Or about the choices we made.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 09:15:33

ADs are the reason I'm still here and functioning. Clinical depression needs a full range of treatment which often includes medication. It's nothing to be scared of. Look at it this way - what is more scary, trying some medication with no obligation to continue if it doesn't suit you, or the prospect of continuing to feel the way you feel right now?

Also, ADs are MUCH less scary/mind-altering than diazepam, in my experience. Diazepam spaces me out! ADs just make me feel like myself rather than a nervous, miserable wreck.

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 09:19:50

Sitting in the car park waiting to go in to see the dr. Don't really know what I'm coming for... or what I expect him to do . I just know that it's not working so far.

The diazepam is low dose 2mg. the first few times it made me feel quite spaced out but yesterday didn't seem to have much effect.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 09:21:09

Another thing - when you are feeling bad enough to be crying and not coping day to day, it's hard to engage with any sort of therapies or self-help. ADs can help to take the edge off and get you to a point where you can really embrace and benefit from other coping strategies.

I've been on meds for 6 years, first citalopram and then fluoxetine. I'm unusual in that I will probably need to stay on them for the rest of my life - most people don't need them for longer than 6 months or so. I'm currently pregnant and still taking them on the advice of my antenatal team.

I compete understand the fear and the feeling of 'why can't I cope' especially as we are told by society that they are 'happy pills' (they really aren't - if you want a happy pill, you'll need some MDMA :P) They are just a part of my daily routine, like brushing my teeth. They just make me feel normal - in the same way that a diabetic doesn't achieve a dizzying high from insulin, it just gets them up to the level of an average person.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 09:25:13

tobermory part of the anxiety is the depression talking - I remember sitting in the waiting room ready to see the doctor (having spent the previous evening crying in bed sad) and STILL feeling like a pathetic fraud. And then crying on the doctor. And then getting my AD prescription filled and feeling ashamed as if I was getting methadone grin

And then a few weeks of feeling WORSE as the meds kicked in. Wondering why I;d done this. And then....the fog lifting and MY GOD the difference. Life was bright again. Hard situations were manageable. Life was OK.

I have been where you are and I promise it will be ok. My mental health is stable now and has been for years. I'm not ashamed any more and I advocate for other people with depression and anxiety. It's just a part of who I am, like being short smile

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 09:26:20

Knit fast, thanks for all that. I realise my fears are irrational in that they're not really based on any previous experience or information. Quite the opposite in fact. I'd like to feel 'normal' again!

As an aside, your name makes me want to go home and get my crochet hook and wool basket out!!

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 09:28:26

Crying now in the car, I think it's a pretty dead cert ill be weeping on the dr in 10 minutes. 10 minutes... Who am I kidding, he's always tuning late!

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 09:30:07

Knitfast, I'm scared of a period of feeling worse. I feel utterly shit now, mostly hiding it from my children (I think ) and making life hard for my husband... I don't want to feel worse.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 09:48:16

Tobermory I felt briefly worse in that I felt down AND like I had a cold coming - tired and a bit sick - but it was only for a few weeks and I promise you, it changed my life. You may need to tell your kids that you're feeling a bit poorly for a few weeks but it's worth a try for long term gain? If you broke your leg you wouldn't be trying to hide it from your family, you'd ask them for support in the short term while you do what you need to recover in the long term. Why should this be any different?

And yes, knitting and crochet are always good smile they are a bit of a mood barometer for me as when I'm having a down episode (very very rare these days) I stop wanting to knit or crochet. My husband always notices and hauls me off to get my meds checked grin

Holding your hand here - it's scary, I know. I have been EXACTLY where you are right now. If you need to cry, then cry - there are no prizes for being 'tough'.

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 09:51:43

You know what that's me too. I've not crocheted at all since we moved. My basket has been in the lounge but I've not done any and not wanted to. Is that why? Maybe that explains it?

I've told my Dc that I'm a bit poorly but it's a poorly you can't see (youngest is just 5) but ill b better soon.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 09:51:49

You are not alone - there are many, many of us out there who know how you feel. And we're no more 'weak' or 'shameful' than all the people out there with diabetes or epilepsy or any other chronic health condition. If you wouldn't judge them, you shouldn't judge yourself flowers

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 09:55:01

In my clinical opinion grin a lack of crafty motivation is a sure sign of feeling down - that horrible dragging 'everything is pointless' feeling that sucks the joy out of everything.

That's the perfect way to explain it to your DC - think of it this way, by being honest about this with them you are helping to raise a new generation who won't grow up wit the stigma of mental illness as being 'less' or 'weaker' than physical illness. If they grow up knowing that sometimes we can feel poorly inside our heads and it makes us feel sad and tired, they may one day be that teenager who is able to reach out to someone else who needs help smile

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 09:57:38

Don't downplay any of this to the doctor by the way - be honest as this will help them to help you. Good luck!

mrstweefromtweesville Wed 08-Jul-15 10:05:44

This was me two years ago. Then I had a breakdown. And lots, lots, lots of counselling (and only very few drugs). Now I have no drugs, no counselling (I'm waiting for more but surviving meantime) and crucially, no job. Even after 17 years (that was how long I'd been in my job, too) you can open your eyes one day and find you just can't do it any more.

mrstweefromtweesville Wed 08-Jul-15 10:06:21

I'm a lot better, by the way. I'm happy.

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 10:22:33

I cried so much he let me leave out of the side door so I didn't have to walk through a crowded waiting room!

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 10:24:46

Well done smile how did it go?
I know it's a dreadful cliche but a good hard cry can be very healthy, especially when you've been trying to hold everything together for ages.

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 10:24:50

Mrs twee, I'm glad you've got yourself to a good place. Was the 'no job' key?!!

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 11:34:04

Mrstwee "you can open your eyes one day and find you just can't do it any more".... I keep reading and rereading that sentence.

knit, it was ok. Well, I cried obi but was honest even when he asked how low I'd felt. I have some ADs and very mixed feelings about them but what I've done so far hasn't worked and I need to feel better.

Featherbluedot Wed 08-Jul-15 11:59:46

I went to see my doctor last year after feeling like you do and broke down in tears so he gave me citlaropram. 20mg. They were really strong but my friend explained it takes a few weeks for your brain to balance the AD out, which it has and now I can cope much better.

I recently lost my job in a strange way and I'm coping much better than I would have not on AD. I have an interview tomorrow actually.

What I'm trying to say is hopefully the AD will make you feel normal again. Give the AD a couple of months to balance out your brain. After a while you will think you feel fine enough to not take them, although of course you may go back to feeling blue again.

Work, tiredness and stress is a huge factor and you seem to have hit your wall. When we stop work we realise how awful sometimes the work environment actually was whilst we sat there trying to overcome it all and deal with it. It can be more strenuous than you think working alongside some really difficult characters whilst trying to get through the day let alone have a pile of work and deadlines and responsibilities to meet.

flowers I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 12:33:24

I'm terrified to take one. Terrified to open the box
It seems like a big step. Taking ADs seems serious, you've got to be unwell to pop these. I wondered if I should really be taking them...maybe the Dr made a mistake....
If he had given me antibiotics for a chest infection, I'd take no question. So why does this seem like a big deal?

Tobermory Wed 08-Jul-15 12:34:08

Feather.... I really want to feel normal again.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 08-Jul-15 13:32:46

Tobermory what medication have you been given? I've been on a few and know lots of people who have been on other types, so maybe I can help.

Taking ADs is serious, your health is important and deserves the best treatment. From what you say here, and my own experience of depression, I would say you are ill enough to need medical help at least for the time being. That's not a reflection on you as a person, any more than having a chest infection that needs antibiotics would be a reflection of you as a person smile

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