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BPD in loved one

(6 Posts)
subway42 Mon 06-Jul-15 06:38:22

Hi, n/c'd for this but for clarity am I male contributor... my girlfriend of 3 years almost certainly has an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. She was raped repeatedly by her father as a teenager and her mother stayed with him even when she found out. She has confided in only three people - one at university years ago, one friend and myself. I've know from indirect experience how immensely damaging mentally this is (and how dodgy unqualified diagnoses can be). We were very close for 2 years prior to this one, but this year has been very hard. The last 6 months we've been able to see each other a lot less, so it's mainly chatting through IM etc... but it's so painful. She doesn't respond to messages, can be distant and difficult, seems indifferent to arrangements to meet. Occasionally, she will respond to something about how I miss her with a big smiley emoticon etc but in the last 3 months has only really once sent something similar unprompted, and even then it was about how a photo made her realise how she did miss me. Anyway, we are friends more than lovers right now and I would be 'happy' for this to be the reality (but deep-down, I know I'd still be in love with her) but i need her to tell me this. When she does need me, she seems to need me to help her calm down etc. I'm very supportive, recognise her external triggers and don't argue back. She once asked if I thought she needed professional help; sadly I didn't take the opportunity to say 'yes, i do'

To those who know this is an issue for them, I want to know if:

the fear of abandonment over-rides falling out of love... or is she pushing me to make me the one to blame when it ends... or does she even know what she is doing... or is her fear of abandonment leading her to sabotage this? Is there anything I should / should not be doing?

I'm sitting on a very painful fence right now and both sides of it seem even more painful.

TheQueenOfSheba Mon 06-Jul-15 06:46:10

I just don't think she's that into you, sorry.

subway42 Mon 06-Jul-15 07:19:12

yes... that was my final "...or?"

I know that is the most likely thing... and I'm sorry if this should have been on relationships rather than here but I'm so use to mis-reading her off-kilter responses that I never quite know what to think. I'm very prone to worrying about things, self-blame for things that aren't anything to do with me, and putting myself last and am just finding it hard to read very mixed messages (she told me I was an irreplaceable friend last week then promptly ignored me for 24 hours).... Anyway, off to work and distraction.

TheQueenOfSheba Mon 06-Jul-15 07:23:37

I think you are too invested in diagnosing her MH issues if, indeed, she has any. You seem like a nice guy; I am sure you can find someone else?

Sijeunessesavait Mon 06-Jul-15 09:05:04

On the other hand, OP, if she does have BPD, there is a book which helps not only to give insight, but to understand how to protect yourself whilst giving your loved one the support they need. It's called Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y Manning. Hope that helps you to be her friend, if nothing more.

Anomia10 Mon 06-Jul-15 10:14:54

There is also "Lost in the mirror" by Moskovitz MD. (an inside look at BPD for people, friends and family)

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