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Why do I do this?

(27 Posts)
jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:16:10

I can't do things for me. It's hard to explain, a current example, I need a new passport, i want to take my children away on holiday during the summer, no objection from their father, I have all the forms, I can't filll them in. I regularly miss deadlines to pay bills and have to pay penalties. I'm a single parent but work full time and earn a decent salary, I can afford all my out goings.

I know this is a psychological block but don't understand it.

Any comment/advice would be gratefully received because I need to break this cycle. I feel genuinely disabled to do stuf until it hits crisis point and need to understand why.


SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 04-Jul-15 18:19:07

Is it a kind of self-sabotage? Feeling that you're not worth doing things for? Counselling might help. I'm a bit like this. Very connected to how I was brought up. My feelings came last, and other people had their needs met first. Any bells?

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:20:18

yes, it's like i'm not worth it, even when it comes to doing things for myself

TheoriginalLEM Sat 04-Jul-15 18:21:29

This is me too. It is due to anxiety and it is pants sad

The good news is that you can get over it.

My anxiety is severe so i am on medication. I have also benefited from cbt

I find that i just have to do things NOW! else the procrastination demon wins.

i can do stuff for other people. advise others etc. When its for me and to a lesser degree my family i struggle.

What do you need to do? can i help?

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:23:32

How do I stop? Give me a coping strategy. I've got a boag of 'stuff to do' I carry round with me and ignore until it reaches a crisis....

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 04-Jul-15 18:25:18

Prioritise the list : Now-ish, soon-ish, sometime-ish. Less over-whelming that way.

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:26:45

I used to suffer terribly from anxiety attacks that were related to travel - going somewhere rather than any particular mode. I have that under control withoug medication. It's transferred itself hasn't it?

Fugghetaboutit Sat 04-Jul-15 18:30:59

Ive suffered from anxiety for years, since a child and I'm the opposite now. I used to be like you but now I do things straight away or it makes me more anxious and keeps me awake. I used to hate lying awake knowing I had a ticket to pay sad

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:32:19

you''re right sponge but i open post, freak and hide. I need to get over that first hurdle which I think is how I feel about me not the piece of post.

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:35:07

Thanks Fugg, I know my anxiety would be less if i did that I just can't seem to take that first step

TheoriginalLEM Sat 04-Jul-15 18:36:42

there isn't a magic button. The fact you overcame your anxiety before means you can do it again.

Don't be hard on yourself - everyone procrastinates.

My list would be prioritised differently. 5 minute job that you can do with no extra info. Get that done. Feel good about it. treat yourself. Tick it off your list. You don't have to do the list in order.

Just one thing. That's enough for now. Maybe something you can do online? they often have help buttons to explain things that are unclear.

Fugghetaboutit Sat 04-Jul-15 18:37:11

What helped me was setting reminders on my phone, so it flashed up - pay ticket today! And I would force myself to sort out two things a day - one in morning after brekkie, the next after dinner when kids asleep. Little steps

TheoriginalLEM Sat 04-Jul-15 18:38:21

As for the forms - do the bits you know. Name. Address. Age etc. Thats a big step.

MaggieJoyBlunt Sat 04-Jul-15 18:41:17

Dyspraxia? (Just a thought - the self loathing thing could be secondary)

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:42:03

thanks both, you know, writing this down and thinking through, maybe part of the problem is that I dont have anyone to vlidate what I do, ie
'I've got the new paspsorts/paid the bill'
'oh, well done'

how do I validate/congratulate myself?

Why do I need this - yes it's probably about my mother

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:44:46

dyspraxia - no am very co-ordinated an sports able, personally clumsey but as a result of thinking of other things and being lanky rather than in built

jayho Sat 04-Jul-15 18:46:11

phone makes me more anxious btw fugg, panic that tech is watching me ...

MaggieJoyBlunt Sat 04-Jul-15 18:49:07

You don't have to have gross motor issues to be dyspraxic - there ar varying presentations;

TheoriginalLEM Sat 04-Jul-15 19:08:49

i can TOTALLY relate to the validation. I constantly seek this.

I think its my mother too - everything was just ok. birthday presents ftowned at. school projects not quite good enough...i could go on.

Doing the form has its own rewards. 1. Its no longer the elephant in the room. You WILL feel relieved when its done.

2. It gives you and your dc freedom.

You get to reward yourself with something nice. Glass of wine. bath. anything you choose that you'll enjoy more knowing the form is done.

Does your local post office offer a checking service? They will make sure its all filled in before its sent away so you don't have to worry about mistakes

If you do make a mistake you just fill in another form grin i needed a few smile

if you are anything like me you allow these things to have more power than they warrant. Then afterwards that big thing feels simple?

Do you want to just fill the basics in?

TheoriginalLEM Sat 04-Jul-15 19:10:06

we no longer have a landline as i couldn't handle unsolicited calls blush

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 04-Jul-15 19:17:24

Make a list. Things that need doing. Things that a treat.

Then put it in your diary. Start time, finish time,the lot, something that has to be done, then schedule a treat.

Tick off at the end of the week.

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 04-Jul-15 19:17:39

are a treat.

jayho Sun 05-Jul-15 09:46:12

Thanks all, lots to think about

jayho Tue 07-Jul-15 19:34:48

I got a replacement marriage certificate, ive got all the docs to get my passport including a photo I'm reasonably content with grin

Millie2013 Tue 07-Jul-15 19:55:00

I can relate to this. I really struggle to get (some) things done, to the point that I sabotage so much, make things 100x worse, by procrastinating, etc etc
I'm having therapy and we are working on a hypothesis that it's partly due to a lack of support when I was tiny and completing important (to me) tasks and partly, as alluded to above, due to over criticism from my mum. It's a work in progress though!

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