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I'm really depressed and don't want to carry on

(112 Posts)
purpleshimmer Sat 04-Jul-15 12:12:14

Can anyone help? I'm totally stuck.

I can't see a way out anymore other than to end it all. I can't take anymore pain. My life has just been one trauma after another and I have always struggled.

Reached a point now where I have no strength left. No one in RL really knows the truth. They all think I'm ok. I'm really not. I don't know what to do anymore

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 04-Jul-15 12:13:56

Call the Samaritans, they are fantastic and will listen.

08457 90 90 90

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 04-Jul-15 12:15:53

And I know it doesn't seem like it but one day things will improve. Honestly they will. I, and many others, have been where you are now and I know I am very grateful that I didn't end it all. Yes, life still has times when everything seems bleak but on the whole I have more good days than bad.

Are you on any medication? Can you speak to your GP about this?

Lolo2306 Sat 04-Jul-15 12:17:56

Sending you a massive hug.

Please don't think like this I don't know what's going on for you but I do know that you will mean more to people than you could ever realise. sometimes you need to talk to someone completely detached from your life so you can be brutally honest with no risk of judgement. Please call the samaritans or a doctor they will help x

windchimes23 Sat 04-Jul-15 22:21:22

You can talk to me. I'm not RL but I know what it feels like. Not just the mental but the physical pain too. Just try to talk here. We're generally pretty friendly and sensible. What's going on, are you in meds, seeing a GP?

windchimes23 Sat 04-Jul-15 22:22:30

On meds...sorry confused

FaithLoveandHope Sat 04-Jul-15 23:23:28

Oh purple I'm sorry you feel that way. As others have said, I'm not in RL but you can always talk to us here. The village thread is also really good too. I've been where you are and it's so difficult. I know you feel like you have no strength but actually I think it was a really strong thing to come on here and ask for support. Please keep talking here or call the samaritans or speak to your doctor. I don't know you but I'm sure you mean so much to all the people around you, even though it may not feel like that at the moment.

purpleshimmer Sun 05-Jul-15 13:51:48

Thank you for your replies.

I'm just very depressed. I've been on anti depressants for 18 years now.

I've just had so many losses in the last few years. My mum passed suddenly aged 50 in 2008. Last year we lost our baby son as a late miscarriage. It was traumatic and heartbreaking.

And now after 12 months of ups and downs my partner has left for good and is now with a 21 year old he works with (we're both 36).
I'm heartbroken. I have two small kids to look after and as far as other people are concerned I'm coping well with them.

But I'm screaming inside. Every day is getting harder and harder like I just can't see any happiness in anything anymore.

I wish I didn't have my children so I could leave. I know that sounds so selfish and ungrateful but honestly if it wasn't for them I would have gone months ago.

I'm so down and I feel so guilty and ashamed because of how I feel aswell x

IceBeing Sun 05-Jul-15 14:07:52

That sounds horribly tough. First and foremost there is no more reason to feel ashamed of your feelings and depression than there would be to feel ashamed of having a broken leg.

They are what they are and your illness is what it is, and you didn't chose for any of this to happen.

Are you in sole charge of the children? Could your ex take them more often for a bit?

Can you get yourself some space somehow to try and get well?

purpleshimmer Sun 05-Jul-15 15:34:06

The children aren't his. They are to my ex husband who I split from 3 years ago. They see him regularly. Most weekends sometimes for a few hours and sometimes overnight. So I do get a break really. It's still hard though.

The ex that I lost the baby with is the one that has left me few months ago. It's just all a big mess and I feel so hurt and worthless.

It's like no matter what I do I just never get better. It's been like this to varying degrees for years and now I'm reaching my breaking point I think xx

IceBeing Tue 07-Jul-15 10:47:40

Ah - okay. So could your ex-husband take the kids more often for a while then?

Maybe the reason you have not ever fully recovered is that you have never had the time and space to?

I only had the one trauma in my life and it took 3 years of struggling on and not fixing it and then 6 months of space and time to begin to really heal.

You have had it a lot tougher than that.

How long do you feel you have been struggling for? What do you think it might take (if you could wave a wand and make it possible) for you to become well again?

Is it time and space, or therapy, counselling? Have you done anything in the past that helped even transiently?

purpleshimmer Tue 07-Jul-15 12:30:34

I not sure. If I could wave a magic wand it would be for him to come back. I really love him and I want this heartbreak to stop.

But I also know that that won't happen and even if it did it wouldn't solve everything.

I've really struggled this past few months and I feel like I'm getting worse.

Part of me just wants to run away and stay somewhere where I can be looked after and just rest and cry and sleep.

I don't know how to explain myself anymore. I just feel like a complete failure and want it all to end x

IceBeing Tue 07-Jul-15 13:00:28

There something that people suffering depression often mention along the lines of just wishing they would have a car accident or something, because although it would be crap getting physically banged up they could just be in hospital, get looked after, get some rest and not feel bad about the fact others were picking up their responsibilities etc.

Does that chime for you?

There is terrible disparity in the way in which physical and mental illness are regarded. If you had cancer and were on chemotherapy and not able to cope what would happen? Would you ask for more help? Would people automatically step in to help? Would you get more time in hospital to recover? Would people be surprised when it wasn't all better months later?

You are suffering from an illness that can be every bit as severe and debilitating as cancer plus chemotherapy. But somehow you expect yourself to be able to carry on as if nothing is happening in a way you would never expect of yourself if it was a physical illness.

And at the end of the day depression is as serious as cancer and can become fatal also, especially if it is untreated and under-respected.

So perhaps going away somewhere to be looked after and to receive treatment is exactly what you should do - for your own sake and for that of your children. If you are in crisis then demanding more help from your family, your ex-H and your GPs is absolutely the correct and justified response.

Your children might not like the upheaval etc. but they will suffer a lot more if you do fall apart completely or take your own life. You and your children deserve a serious chance at you getting well again - whatever form that chance might take.

purpleshimmer Tue 07-Jul-15 13:05:45

That's exactly how I feel. I want something bad to happen to me physically so that I can be in hospital and be looked after and everyone else would have to step up and see to my kids.

While ever I'm physically ok I'm expected to carry on. And now all I'm being told us "move on" " pull yourself up" etc etc

And that I've coped 4 months so far so will continue to cope. But I don't feel like that, I feel like last 4 months have been hell and each day that goes by is just taking its toll. I'm gonna just break one day.

Maybe then people will listen x

IceBeing Tue 07-Jul-15 13:22:48

Please try to ask for help now. Please don't leave it till something permanent happens. There are people out there that care and understand how serious depression is - that will make sure your children are looked after. Please give yourself the chance to get well again.

I honestly believe with all my heart that you and your children deserve that chance.

IceBeing Tue 07-Jul-15 13:24:50

who is telling you to move on and pull yourself together?

Would they tell someone undergoing chemotherapy to 'move on' and 'pull themselves together'?

Please don't let peoples ignorance and prejudice stop you from seeking help with your very real life threatening illness.

purpleshimmer Tue 07-Jul-15 13:29:34

Thank you. It's just that I have asked for help. I've had social services see me but they are more than happy that the kids are fine etc. it's as though they don't listen to me when I'm trying to tell them how I really feel.

I've tried to get help but honestly it's got to the point now where unless I actually harm myself then nothing will be done.

I don't want my kids to see that but I don't know how much longer I can hold on either x

purpleshimmer Tue 07-Jul-15 13:31:14

It's a family member. Well a few of them and friends too. All of them saying it to me. But none of them have or ever have had depression so they just do not understand at all.

It's really upsetting

IceBeing Tue 07-Jul-15 14:25:37

I am sorry to hear your family and friend don't get it. I am not too surprised though - as you say until it happens to you, you can't really understand.

Know that people saying this are simply wrong and ignorant. There implication that you are choosing to remain ill is rude and frankly disgusting.

Can you try to access more help through your doctor? Is it possible they could look into your medication? Maybe find you some respite time somewhere?

What would happen if you turned up to the hospital saying you couldn't cope at home? (do not do this at a weekend by the way! much better to do it midweek when they can actually refer you to the right place).

Is it possible to see a counsellor or depression therapist who would diagnose your current situation and get you more help?

IceBeing Tue 07-Jul-15 14:30:21

I am sorry - I do not mean to come across as saying you haven't tried these things before...I am sure you have. I am just living in hope that if you tried them again, you might get more support than last time and thinking it has to be worth a try before taking any more drastic measures.

I understand how hard it can be to ask for help and how devastating it is when you don't get any return on your investment of time, energy and emotional strength in asking.

I have received some great treatment up in the North East...is there any chance you are nearby?

purpleshimmer Tue 07-Jul-15 16:06:41

No need to be sorry. I really appreciate your help and support.

I've had the crisis team before, a few times but unless I actually harm myself they don't take me seriously. I then get scared of saying how I really feel because I don't want kids taking away but then it's a viscous circle because I'm left to cope when I really can't.

It's horrible. Like a black hole.

I'm in West Yorkshire and I have started some psychotherapy that o had to wait ages for but have only had 5 sessions so far. I don't feel like it's helping really.

It's like everyone is saying attend your counselling, plan nice things, be kind to yourself, go out and socialise etc etc but all I can think is the here and now....right now I have children to cook for, homework, bath time, bedtime....then I will cry, then I will go to bed but not sleep then the next day starts and I can hardly move....then the whole cycle of tiny things to do and no energy to do them kicks in and I just feel completely useless. I blame myself for everything going wrong. I'm just not a strong person and never have been.

I should never have had my children. They deserve better than to have a mother like me. There are days when I genuinely think it would be better if I died.

But I don't want them to be messed up by it. So that's when I hope for an accident of some sort. To end it but without the reason being suicide.

I can't believe I'm saying all this. I'm really in not a good place at all. It's just never ending x

IceBeing Wed 08-Jul-15 00:12:59

perhaps it is better to say these things and hear it out loud (so to speak) than to keep it bottled up?

It is absolutely shit when you can't sleep and then you are stupidly tired and then still can't sleep <glances at the clock with dismay>

I am so very sorry that you are only taken seriously when you harm yourself. I cannot find words for the disgust I have for successive governments underfunding the treatment of mental health to the point where only blood on the floor gets anything done.

I am so sorry you have to face that.

I wish you could see my face when I read that you don't think you are strong...the shock doesn't do it justice. Do you have any idea the strength you have shown in getting as far as you have in the face of horrible illness?

But then I know you don't...because I didn't know it when I was depressed either. I didn't see the strength it took to limp into work several hours late...I only saw that I was shit for turning up late. I didn't recognise the strength I had in putting my DD to bed for the first time (something I couldn't do without a panic attack for about 3 and half years) I just saw what a shit mum I was for not doing it before....

Ahh the list is endless.

I very VERY much doubt you are a bad mother any more than I was. Just a mother who was suffering and unable to do the things that she wanted to because of it.

I don't know what I can say that might begin to persuade you that you don't carry the guilt for this anymore than someone struck down by physical disease that can't be there for their children the way they want to be.

You care so much for your kids - that is clear in everything you right. That makes you a good Mum right there. The fact the universe has dumped shit on you for absolutely no reason whatsoever can't change that or take it away from you!

How frequent is your therapy? How long have you been going? Is it reasonable to expect results soon?

Are you able to find the time and space to complement the therapy? (maybe it is not that kind).

Would your ex-H take the kids a bit more for a while if you asked?

IceBeing Wed 08-Jul-15 00:15:43

sorry I seem to have gone with late night swearing there....I really REALLY need to get my backside to bed.

purpleshimmer Wed 08-Jul-15 10:10:29

Thank you for your support.

I don't feel strong at all but I can see why people say I am because I am wading through each day even though it's draining me completely.

I just feel like I'm going to break soon. I'm sinking further and I don't know what to do. I've cried everyday now for 4 months. When will it stop?

I'm totally lost.

Ps I hope you got some sleep x

IceBeing Wed 08-Jul-15 11:20:33

Thank you - I got some sleep....but it somehow never feels like enough does it?

I was rereading you posts a bit....about planning fun things....that seems like a bit of a crock to me.

Whenever I tried it, I would have changed my mind by the time the big moment arrived and it would be just another imposition that I didn't really want to engage with.

What I found more useful was writing daily lists....things that HAD to be done, things that OUGHT to be done and things I actually WANTED to do.

(I realise you are probably all over this kind of technique already but different therapist suggest different things, so I thought it might be worth the keyboard strokes just in case!)

So I would check the HAD to do list and move much of it onto the OUGHT list because it wasn't actually necessary IYSWIM. I would take anything on the OUGHT and HAD lists that I actually WANTED to do and reassign it. I would then ceremonially cross out EVERYTHING except maybe the top 2 on the OUGHT list because I was ill and there is no space of OUGHT to when you are struggling to cope. I then tried to interleave the items on the WANTED and HAD lists to get through the day. If I felt a sudden rush of enthusiasm (usually after a WANTED list item) I would stealthily pop in a bonus OUGHT.

A couple of week of that and I had started to find more things I actually wanted to do (which there were very very few of to begin with) and had actually gotten a list of OUGHTs I had completed.

It was slow but I think it did help me turn things back up hill into the light a bit.

Of course I was able to bunk off childcare duties for a while....children fill up your whole day with HAD to do items before they even get out of bed!

But maybe you could try this in the times you have to yourself?

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