Can't cope any more.

[TeaInGlasgow]

I've had depression and anxiety for many years now, been on various ADs, tried CBT but generally been left to get on with it. Took myself off ADs a couple of years ago and moved from England to Glasgow in the hope that a fresh place and fresh start would help me move forward.

This year my mental health has just gone downhill completely. I spend most of my days crying because it's all getting on top of me and I have nobody to talk to about any of it. I still have the occasional good day where I feel normal, even happy but it doesn't balance out anymore.

I'm overweight and so signed up to a PAYG gym, heard some girls laughing got paranoid and had to leave, haven't gone back yet. I had a good day and the weather was nice so went for a long walk, my hands puffed up and some guys jeered at me as they passed in their car, started crying whilst walking, felt stupid so went to buy some comfort food and came home.

Having problems with power company (posted in chat about it) and even though i've been referred to a proper people with CAB and am waiting to hear back from them I can't stop thinking about it and getting stressed.

I get housing benefit and it gets paid to me to pay to my letting people. I messed up somewhere along the line and missed one month's rent. I fully accepted responsibility for this when they spoke to me about it a couple months ago. We agreed i'd pay a little extra each month (They know i'm on benefits and can't afford much) but I've now had a letter demanding the whole lot and that they've taken what I owe out of my deposit so they repayment is going in to paying back my deposit not my rent. I'm so scared that they'll just evict me when my tenancy is up and i'll end up homeless and i'm too scared of getting confused to call them and try to fix it somehow.

I have a cheap sofabed from ikea, wooden thing with a hard futon matress and it's just easier for me to leave it in bed form as I never have visitors, moved it recently as I could smell something musty and found damp on the wall that looks like it's attached itself to the futon and so now i'm sleeping on a matress that has damp on it. I looked around and have found a couple other areas of the flat that have damp/black mould type stuff. I don't know how you fix it and because of the above i'm too scared to ring the letting agents. I know I should but the thought of calling them brings on a panic attack and I start crying again.

There are other things going on too but those are causing me the most stress. After spending yet another day in floods of tears I made an emergency appointment for yesterday and went to see my Dr. This is the first time since moving up here that i've seen anyone about my mental health problems as I was trying so hard so act like I was fine. I got called into his room and pretty much burst into tears. He hadn't looked at my notes as I had to explain i've been on ADs before and have had depression and anxiety for years. I tried explaining that I couldn't cope and he gave me a new prescription for Sertraline and a number to call for lifelinq to get counselling.

I asked if he could refer me to SAMH or GAMH and he said that the Doctor Surgery doesn't do referals. I called SAMH when I got home and the woman on the phone said I have to be referred by my GP or social worker, they don't accept anything else. I don't have a social worker. I've never had a social worker. I don't know how to deal with everything that's going on and even thinking about starting off small has me in tears. I'm angry at myself for not being able to do these things and for getting into such a mess. I hate myself for needing help and I hate that it feels like when i'm trying to get help i'm just given a bunch of pills and told to go away.

[bluebell345]

sorry for your situation TeaInGlasgow.:(
you made a very good job of going to your gp. don't be sorry to cry there, that's totally how you are feeling.
as for you to be referred to SAMH or GAMH, maybe you can try another dr at the gp, or ask their reception, manager if they really don't do referrals and tell them what they told you that you have to be referred by your gp.
its very hard for you I understand to ring anywhere or to talk to someone about the problems you have. but you have to do it. take small steps and you will feel happy when you manage.
I think your self esteem is very low, but always believe in yourself.
have you started the sertraline, it really can help you.
the energy bill and the rent can be sorted slowly, don't worry about them much, sometimes they make an agreement with you but still they ask the total amount, you can ring them and tell them that you have an agreement and tell them to not to send such mails as it makes you very anxious, ill.
as for the mould, try to wipe the moulded areas with a mixture of white vinegar and water.
take the sertraline and with small steps you will get there.
ignore people's reaction to your weight etc, its their fault, I am sure when you are ready you can take care of it, too.
wish you all the best luck. XX.

[isupposeitsverynice]

I'm pretty sure that's not how deposits work. I would ask in legal for some advice, lots of landlords on mn, someone will know. beyond that I don't really have anything helpful to say. just try and be kind to yourself and keep plodding on I guess.

[fluffybunnies246]

Hiya, sorry brains a bit bleurgh so writing is a bit rubbish.

Lots of houses/flats have 'moist' areas. If it's black mould then it is likely to be condensation, which is easy to rectify. I'd get some mould and mildew remover (e.g. Dettol/Astonish) and spray that on…then as soon as you see a bit coming back blast it again, as it's easier if you get it at the start. Black mould is usually due to lack of ventilation…so make sure you open the windows regularly, use an extractor fan if you have one in the kitchen or bathroom. If it's different coloured mould (e.g.red and looks like a tree) I would contact the letting agent to let them know…as some more uncommon moulds e.g. dry rot can quickly destroy a building, and it would be only fair to allow the landlord to protect his property! (sorry I owned a damp victorian house for 10 years)

Don't worry about thinking people are laughing. Most people in gyms are only concerned about themselves and so don't pay attention to other people. And most people who do any fitness know that people can be overweight and actually rather fit. Men in cars jeer at anyone. I've never been overweight, but have been jeered for running/cycling etc. Wear headphones, even if you've not got any music on- they either don't bother as much, or if you've got music on you can't hear them.

[IceBeing]

I think you need to stop worrying about what 'ought' to be and focus on how things are.

Sure it 'ought' be easy to use the phone, go to the doctors etc. but it isn't easy for you right now. It is hard and horrible and difficult.

So forget the 'ought' and realise that you had a terrible, hard thing to do and you did it! Fantastic start - I really really mean that! I cried all over the doctor when I got there too....

So phoning the landlord. This is also a horrible hard thing to do right now. Rather than rail against that fact, could you ask someone else to interact with landlord for you?

There is no more shame asking someone to do something like this for you than someone asking for a lift home because they broke their foot and can't drive at the moment.

You are suffering an illness and it has cruelly removed your ability to do certain things you used to be able to do. It is as simple and straight forward as that.

Is there anything we MNers can help with?

[TeaInGlasgow]

Thankyou for the replies.

I'll call reception tomorrow and ask about their referral process. I don't have anyone who can help me with things like this which is why I want to try and get help from SAMH/GAMH since they would have the experience and knowledge to get me the right help.

When I can next face going to the shop i'll pick up some cleaning stuff and see if it helps. I'll try to open my windows a bit more now that it's warmer. I get cold really easily.

I think as far as exercise is concerned i'll just try to work up to doing small things at home again. As much as I really enjoy my good days I try to do too much on them which pretty much ends in tears afterwards.

I started my Sertraline on Sunday and my jaw is a bit stiff, my appetite has gone and today I had a small bout of diarrhea but I haven't cried once. I'm not so fussed at the loss of appetite but i'll keep an eye on the other two and if they don't settle after a few days i'll try and speak the the doctor.

[captaincake]

Hi, sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. When you say you asked your Dr to refer you to samh could it be that because you are in England they can't refer you to the Scottish system? Could you ask for a referral to the amht? Sorry if I've got it all wrong. I had really bad jaw when I took sertealine but it did mostly settle down. I hope the side effects improve for you soon.

[isupposeitsverynice]

I feel a bit awkward saying this because my rl friends are starting to take the piss that this is my answer for everything, but have you tried yoga? You can do a really easy five minute sun salutation in the morning at home when you get up and it's surprising what a difference five minutes can make. I swear to god yoga makes you look thinner almost immediately (and I do like a bit of instant gratification, me) but more importantly it is really beneficial to your mental health. Personally I find I am so much calmer, more patient and generally a much more productive and happy person when I'm being disciplined about a daily yoga practise. I hope you're doing ok today.

[bluebell345]

that's a very good idea isupposeitsverynice.
I would like to learn yoga. Is it possible to learn it on the internet in a correct way?

[isupposeitsverynice]

Yes! it's not perfect, but it's better than not doing it. And once you've done it for a bit you might feel brave enough to check out a nearby studio where you can get tips on improving your alignment and try out some more challenging poses under a watchful eye. There are lots of fab online yoga resources. Check out doyouyoga, yoga journal, yogaglo. Google for 'yoga with adrienne' - she has oodles of youtube vids which are really good. We are getting a yoga section on here too so check that out when it pops up. School run now but if I remember I'll come later and put some proper links on here.

[bluebell345]

thank you so much isupposeitsverynice.
sorry if I hijacked your thread TeaInGlasgow, I hope you are fine.
How is your experience with sertraline going?

[isupposeitsverynice]

Sorry, got distracted by Orange is the New Black and never made it back to MN last night! is link to Adriene's beginners 20min sequence. This is a link to doyouyoga, lots of lovely articles and videos about the benefits of yoga and which poses are good for helping which bits of you (physically and mentally!). Yogajournal's beginners section also has brilliant articles and sequences for you to try. I can't recommend enough the five minute morning gratitude practise - you do it before you even get out of bed - that's my kind of exercise! But it's amazing what a difference it makes to my day.

[bluebell345]

thanks isupposeitsverynice :)
it is very good to get such info from reliable resources, I wouldn't prefer to just go any site and try to learn it. thank you.