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Finding it hard to fight anymore

(1 Post)
lifeandtimes Fri 26-Jun-15 21:54:27

I have several health conditions that are gradually making me more and more disabled. I'm using a wheelchair most of the time now. Everyday tasks are a huge struggle.
I'm exhausted all the time and my pain levels are immense. I'm still managing to work a few hours a week but it's such a fight. If I work for 2 hours I sleep for four hours to recover.
I feel like nobody understands how hard things are for me. Lots of my friends have drifted off (although they wouldn't admit it) as I can't do the things they can. I feel like they've stopped asking me to go out because they know I can't and they've stopped asking how I am because I can't tell them I'm better.
I'm highly educated and when I'm in my wheelchair or using my crutches people talk to me differently. I'm not judged on my intellect but by my disability. People might say this isn't the case but it's true.
My immediate family and my husband do a lot for me but I feel like even they don't really get it. When I say I'm tired (and by this I'm mean I literally have nothing left) my DM will say 'Yes me too.' I also feel like I have to 'hide' how I feel from them too. Hearing everyday how shit someone feels isn't fun.
I've had to sacrifice a lot and my life isn't what I would have planned. I try to have a positive outlook and I'm pretty 'upbeat' in public but this means I'm hiding the pain and the constant struggle I have just to exist.
I've started to get fleeting dark thoughts of it being easier not to be here. I'm also eating huge amounts of crap. Neither of these things are usually like me but everything feels so bleak. I feel like a clown in the circus who paints their face to the world and then cries after the show has finished.

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